To The College Girl Who Always Feels Obligated To Say 'Yes' To The Date
Sis, you have every right to say no, exercise that right.
As you're eating your lunch on campus with your friends, your phone buzzes and you stop what you're doing to take a quick glance. You see a text that reads:
" Hey! Will you be my date to this party tonight?"
You're noticeably uncomfortable as you begin to shift in your seat and twiddle with your thumbs. You know this guy, and you think he's super nice. You just don't want to go out with him. Your gal pals around you notice and ask you what's up. You nonchalantly tell them that it's no big deal and even though you don't want to, you say yes to being the date anyway, because you feel obligated. You don't want the guy to feel bad, and you don't want to be a party pooper.
Your friends tell you that it"ll be fine and it's no big deal if you go. It's just a party.
"It's just a party."
The words of your friends ring in your ears.
Your friends shrug and go back to what they are doing while you reluctantly text back "Sure!" even though you really rather say, "No thank you, I rather make a date with a bowl of chips and Netflix tonight, thanks anyway."
It's later that day and as the date approaches you begin to get more and more anxious, but you don't want to be that girl who says no, leaving a bad mark on your college rep. So instead of texting him that you're taking a rain check, you pull yourself off the couch and walk to your bedroom to get your outfit ready.
You go through outfit upon outfit upon outfit. Finally, you pick the one that you think you look the best in but feel uncomfortably tight and exposed.
I just need to look good for this one night.
You say to yourself. You squeeze into the outfit and go to do your makeup. You really like going natural, but you feel if you do, you'll be subtly judged the whole night.
So you put on your makeup and then wait for your date to arrive. Already counting down the minutes before you can come back home and slip into your favorite cozy PJs.
Moments later, he shows up at your front door and off you go, not saying a word, not wanting to make him mad, sad or confused. So you go. And you oblige. And you shut the door behind you because it's just a party.
Friends, If you read this and felt like this was a scenario that was all too familiar, let me speak this truth to you. If there is ever a time where even a small part of you wants to stay back or say "no" to the date, you have the right. You are not in charge of anyone's expectations or feelings except for your own, and before you go on a date that you want to go on, you need to learn to listen to your heart when you're confronted with invitations that you rather not be apart of.
But I would feel so bad.
Sure, I get that, but we are not called to make everyone's day. We are called to take care of ourselves and to take care of those around us, and if you disregard your own intentions, you are not going to be able to care for others in the best way possible.
Saying "no" to things like this definitely sounds easier said than done, but that's why you practice it. The more you let yourself figure out how to care for your emotions in the best way, the more confidence you"ll find it saying "no" to the things you truly want to say no to and saying yes to the things that bring you joy.
The conviction that you may feel by saying "no" is not worth compromising your joy and what you feel is best for you. You are worth more than giving a pity yes - no matter how important you think it may be. Your comfort, your respect, and your time are better spent with someone who you want to be with, not someone you feel obliged to.
Now, please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not saying to go hide in a cave and never date again. I'm saying when you find yourself reluctant to go out with someone and feel guilty by turning the invite down, that's a sign within itself you need to step back and reevaluate what is best for your heart and for your well being.
So next time you're faced with a situation that you feel required to say yes to, remember that your worth comes first, and that should never be compromised for a weak yes. Practice strong, confident no's, and save the yeses for something that you really care about. I promise it will change the way you live your life.
If Someone Checks Your Racism You're Not The Victim Here, So Here Are Some Tips For Not Acting Like It Either
The way you react to being accused of racism can have a bigger affect than the ignorance in the first place, so here's how to respond in those situations.
Psychology Today defines a "Microaggression" as "everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership." To put it more plainly, its anything discriminatory that isn't 100% over.
With that in mind, it may seem to some that literally, everything is off limits to joke about nowadays. While the '90s and early 2000s was full of fake acceptance cloaking heavily problematic stereotypes, assumptions, and misconceptions about marginalized groups, it's left us with a heavy "us vs. them" mentality, with "regular people" on one end and "snowflakes" on the other.
"Snowflake" is a relatively new term commonly employed by conservatives to mock the emerging atmosphere of political correctness, "safe spaces" and the uphill battle minorities face in pursuit of equal rights.
The reason for this, among other things, is the fact that the emerging adult community was raised in the above mentioned standards that were upheld in the '90s and early 2000s. Therefore, we're left with people who think they can, and should get away with anything so long as they aren't waving a Nazi flag or sporting white sheets over their heads.
Studies confirm that many people harbor unconscious racial biases, whether or not they would classify as a full-blown racist.The thoroughly depressing reality of that aside, that along with white guilt, or a sense of shame white people may experience considering the demographic's historical treatment of people of color and other minority peoples, can make racial issues exceptionally difficult to talk about.
With lack of communication comes inevitable ignorance of how a comment, action or opinion may be considered offensive to a marginalized person, leaving many social interactions with both parties angry, sad or even fearful from its outcome.
Ignorance is often not the explicit fault of the ignorant person. However, the problem with today's society is not solely ignorance, nor that people are too sensitive all of a sudden.
For the first time in the nation's history, the social climate allows minority people to be emboldened enough to call people out on their racism. This is a massive societal win for many marginalized groups who no longer have to stand in as a token for their demographic so corporations can meet their diversity quota.
Although, it was clearly not something the bulk of the nation was prepared for.
With the mixture of this newfound liberation for minority groups, an ignorance that has spanned centuries and how difficult people find it to communicate about racial issues, we have the perfect storm for someone to go on the defense instead of treating the accusation of racism as a learning experience.
Thankfully, the concepts behind responding in an appropriate way are pretty straight forward.
1. You Are Not The Victim Here.
There are too many people who get accused of saying something offensive, then immediately go on the defensive. This gets everyone absolutely nowhere.
It probably really sucks to feel like someone thinks you're a terrible person, especially when you didn't realize you were in the wrong. Considering America's history with racism, being singled out for contributing to that is going to bring up a lot of feelings. So naturally, people may turn to arguing and making excuses for the terrible thing they did or said.
The pro-level of this reaction is when a person points out something ignorant or discriminatory, then the accused starts crying.
This immediately takes the attention off of the victim and onto the offender, because the offender then needs to be consoled before any progress in the interaction is made.
Any of these reactions, or feeling that someone is being "mean" to you by checking your ignorance, is a product of white privilege. So, if you care about being a good ally to the marginalized section of our community, its best to save the crying or yelling as a last resort.
2. Apologize First.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Apologizing first, even if you don't understand what you've done, keeps all doors of communication open so you can dig deeper into the situation a little more.
Even if you don't feel remorse—out of ignorance, stubbornness or skepticism—apologizing first acknowledges that they are a human that deserves respect which you've just violated somehow.
Here our pre-school days come in handy, as we can all do well to "treat other's like we want to be treated". Think on how you'd feel if someone disrespected you in the middle of your day, then that empathy should be applied to whomever you've hurt.
If the accused responds in any way besides this, the opportunity for fixing things is annihilated, and the hurt that you both are feeling has no chance of being relieved. Granted, after an apology has been issued and a conversation follows, you might still feel that you're in the right or feel bad in general. However, you still did your best to alleviate some of their discomforts, maintained the cordiality of the relationship and know how to avoid similar situations in the future.
3. Prove To Yourself And Them You're Not A Bad Person
I'm multiracial but look white as hell. I was ignorant as hell as a kid. I've been there where something you said offended when it was clearly not your intention. In fact, in the case of microaggressions, the intent is often not to offend.
So, now it's your job to do your best to prove to them and yourself that you're not a bad person.
The only way to accomplish this is by listening.
Listening to why they were offended, why its a problem and asking questions about the reasons behind it or how to avoid repeating the mistake in the future is the key to growing. And consequentially you might get to learn something that day, which everyone should be thankful for.
Facing these interactions humbly and with an open mind encouraged growth as well as learning, so even though you may feel like crap, this opportunity is definitely a good one.
4. Follow Through
After the badness has happened and been pointed out, an apology has been made and a conversation has been had, the effect of the situation should not end there.
If you're still a little unclear on the offense or want more information, take it upon yourself to watch a Ted Talk or two to keep the conversation going internally.
Then, it's important to actually apply what you've learned to your thoughts, words, and actions. Once it's been pointed out its much easier to identify discriminatory lines of thinking, reconsider previous opinions and even reevaluate how ignorance might be applied to other areas that you hadn't thought of.
If you feel they might still be upset, especially if they're someone you run into often or work with, a check in can go a long way, too. A simple "Hey, I just wanted to make sure you're still OK after the other day" can easy any resentment that might be lingering. Even if that still doesn't fix things, you know you've done everything in your power to make it right.
Even attempting to follow these steps can make all the difference in developing the quality of our interactions a safer society for everyone. Although this may seem like inconsequential in the grander scheme of things, change is truly inspired one baby step at a time, so don't knock it till you try it.