I’ve also been someone who has always believed that everyone had a good heart, meant no harm to anyone, and that their intentions were pure. Some would consider me to be naive, some would say that I am foolish, and even some would say that I am just flat-out delirious, but anyone can say what they want to because I know that believing the best in people, most of the time will truly bring out the best in them. I can’t change who I am and I don’t plan on it. But I have learned from having a heart like mine that people will prove you wrong. Not everyone has a good heart, some people do mean harm against others, and sometimes their intentions are nothing but cruel. This knowledge has been learned one of the hardest ways I feel possible.

In the summer before junior year and throughout the first semester of junior year, I was harassed and bullied via social media mainly. When school started some of it was still online, but now being in hindsight of everyone every day, the harassment became partially face-to-face. It was the same group of guys each time. A good handful of them were my friends at one point, even had one as my “boyfriend” in middle school who I was still friends with all Sophomore year. Anyways, a few of them at some point had reached out to me to apologize for the things that were said and they hoped I could forgive them somehow. They tried to justify their actions and things they said by saying it was just “an attempt to make my friends laugh." It was as lame of an excuse then as it is now.

I’m sure you can see where this is going. Me being me, with my heart and believing they meant their apology, I saw the side they were coming from about trying to impress they’re friends so I would accept the apology, but never say it was OK because it wasn’t. I knew in my heart that they didn’t care about how it impacted me and I knew it was bound to happen again in a matter of time, but I still wanted to believe that there was a good side of them, that they just had to pretend there wasn’t for the sake of not losing their group of friends.

It’s really hard when you want to believe that there is still good in certain people. You know that there isn’t but something in you tells you that there is and that little voice is what you hold onto, but you know that feeling in your gut is telling you that the “good” in them you thought you saw is no longer there -- it’s at least no longer there for you. There might be good in them saved up for those they pick and choose, but you’re no longer one of those people.

I talked to those who had asked for my forgiveness, and it probably wasn’t the best idea, but I wanted to believe that everyone deserved a second chance or a few for that matter. I tricked myself into thinking about them in a better light and I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I knew that talking to them was doing nothing but enabling my self-destruction. I let myself believe that if I talked to them like normal, or how we used to talk, then nothing would have really changed and my life was still the same as it was 9 months ago. I wanted so badly to believe that if I pretended hard enough and long enough that I would have myself convinced that talking like normal would turn back time, but as I would sit and think about it I began to realize that I genuinely had not a clue as to what normal was. Quite frankly, I believe that not a single one of us on this earth really know what “normal” is. We might have an idea but who is to say which idea is right or wrong?

I’m here to tell you my friends that you cannot let your mind fool you, do not let yourself become the victim to your own thoughts. It’s a daily battle but when it comes to people who have taken your life out from under you, being the same people who harass you in person and over social media, you have to be able to stop yourself before you are too far gone. I know that if you’re anything like me you want to believe they don’t mean it, but they do. They don’t care about you, they only care about getting their “friends” to laugh, no matter how far they have to go. They have no limits, no boundaries. Don’t let yourself disregard that because you “remember who they used to be." Your mind will continuously play tricks on you and you’ll see how easily it gets your heart to follow but that’s only the pain that is speaking, the lost faith, the false hope -- it’s not the reality of it all. They aren’t that person anymore and you can’t make a habit of making people out to be someone in your head while they’re a completely different person in real life. In doing so it will consume every being of who you are and bring you to such a state of denial that when reality hits you, it’ll be speeding towards you at 100 mph and it has no plan to stop or slow down.

I’m here to tell you that you need to trust your gut feeling and you need to listen to that voice that tells you that you are being naïve, because chances are, you’re just fearful that you can’t handle the truth. But you can handle it. You can handle anything. You are better than you think you are and you are a lot stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. Don’t let these people fool you. I have been there and done that and I hated myself every minute of it because I knew what I was doing to myself but I didn’t stop regardless and it took me longer than I wish to admit to come out of it. I want to stop you and save you from making the same mistake I did. I have always been one to give people second chances, but only so many, and it’s on you to decide when enough is enough.