On Saturday, I went to a party my co-worker was hosting. I walked through the door and bam: there was the guy I had been hooking up with for the past few months. We said our hellos, but he was on his way out. After he left, I couldn’t stop thinking about him for the rest of the party and I felt pathetic. I didn’t cry to Bon Iver songs on the way home, but I did contact a friend for some support and even though what he said has been advised by relationship experts time and time again, I needed to hear it from him and it was life changing.

I asked my friend, Sheldon, why I always become a ball of insecurity when I catch feelings for someone. When I first meet a guy, I exude confidence and self-assurance, which is what initially attracts them to me, but when feelings are involved, I crumble. I whined and complained about how “middle school” that is of me, to change who I am when I like someone. He assured me that I’m still that confident woman, but if I don’t know what I want, I’ll change for whatever feels good at the moment. This statement really resonated with me. I had it in my mind that I was seeking a relationship, but then I ended up liking someone so much who didn’t want a relationship and I became okay with that. I basically lowered my standards and that’s not okay.

Sheldon told me that it’s a decision that I have to make. Before I start talking to someone or hooking up with them, I need to decide if I am going to give them the power to let me lower my standards. It's an agreement you make with yourself prior to you and your partner finding out you want different things from each other. I should have made the decision whether or not to stick to my guns about wanting a relationship before I even started hooking up with the guy I ran into at the party.

For example, it’s like when you go into a job interview and you are set on getting paid a certain amount, but they try to negotiate with you for less pay. You need to decide before going into the interview if you are going to allow yourself to be swayed. If not, you are subject to their convincing. I am letting other guys negotiate what I want out of relationships.