On Saturday, I went to a party my co-worker was hosting. I walked through the door and bam: there was the guy I had been hooking up with for the past few months. We said our hellos, but he was on his way out. After he left, I couldn’t stop thinking about him for the rest of the party and I felt pathetic. I didn’t cry to Bon Iver songs on the way home, but I did contact a friend for some support and even though what he said has been advised by relationship experts time and time again, I needed to hear it from him and it was life changing.
I asked my friend, Sheldon, why I always become a ball of insecurity when I catch feelings for someone. When I first meet a guy, I exude confidence and self-assurance, which is what initially attracts them to me, but when feelings are involved, I crumble. I whined and complained about how “middle school” that is of me, to change who I am when I like someone. He assured me that I’m still that confident woman, but if I don’t know what I want, I’ll change for whatever feels good at the moment. This statement really resonated with me. I had it in my mind that I was seeking a relationship, but then I ended up liking someone so much who didn’t want a relationship and I became okay with that. I basically lowered my standards and that’s not okay.
Sheldon told me that it’s a decision that I have to make. Before I start talking to someone or hooking up with them, I need to decide if I am going to give them the power to let me lower my standards. It's an agreement you make with yourself prior to you and your partner finding out you want different things from each other. I should have made the decision whether or not to stick to my guns about wanting a relationship before I even started hooking up with the guy I ran into at the party.
For example, it’s like when you go into a job interview and you are set on getting paid a certain amount, but they try to negotiate with you for less pay. You need to decide before going into the interview if you are going to allow yourself to be swayed. If not, you are subject to their convincing. I am letting other guys negotiate what I want out of relationships.
Once you’ve met someone and have started talking to them and the unwanted feelings start to creep in, it’s already too late to make the crucial decision; I cannot stress that enough. This agreement needs to be made ahead of time, otherwise, you’ll be in too deep. Once you get involved emotionally, it’s too difficult to go back and decide how you want to go about dealing with the situation. Your feelings will blind you and make you believe that you’re okay with being friends with benefits or hook up buddies when what you really wanted was a real, lasting connection, or vice versa. You can try to tell yourself that you’ll be strong enough to walk away from the person after getting to know them and falling for them when they tell you that they’re not looking for something serious, but you’ll only end up disappointed in that person and yourself. You’ll be disappointed in them for something that wasn’t their fault to begin with. They didn’t want a relationship and perhaps they made that clear to you, or you could just pick up on their vibe and see the tell-tale signs that you were seen as a hook up rather than a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Yet, you still pursued them and tried to change their mind, but you’re the one who’s struggling to not drunk text them at 2 a.m and they’re fine because they've acted according to their own agreement from the get-go. You’re disappointed in yourself because you got yourself into this mess by not clarifying what you are or are not willing to settle for.
Before you start to get to know someone, have that conversation with yourself. This conversation about deciding whether you’ll allow modifications to be made to your objective is more important than the “what are we?” talk you have with your partner because this agreement determines if you'll act in accordance with your objective. As my dear friend Sheldon says, “figure out what you want and then move in that direction. If you don't make that agreement ahead of time, you're going to make bad decisions."
