I read an article the other week about how we should appreciate the friends that are mean to us because their honesty proves how much they care. I hated it. I completely disagreed.

First, I think there needs to be a distinction between an honest friend and a mean friend. An honest friend will tell you when you are being dumb for going back to the same boy who hurt you, a mean friend will just call you dumb.

An honest friend will tell to reconsider your priorities and stay in to study. A mean friend will outright tell you that you are throwing your future away and make fun of you if you don’t do well on an exam.

I don’t expect all my friends to worship the ground I walk on and constantly shower me with love and support. I am not a perfect person and I make countless mistakes, but a real friend loves me regardless.

Throughout my life I have experienced quite a few mean friends, friends that will purposely bring you down, say things they know will hurt you, and repeatedly make fun of you, all while claiming to be the honest friend.

I have also had my fair share of honest friends, who let me know when I’m acting dumb, if something doesn’t look good, or if I need to sit down and listen for a while instead of running my mouth.

You can’t be mean to someone and claim it’s out of love when you know the things you say hurt them. It’s not being “too sensitive” to feel hurt when someone constantly brings you down.

We all have our quirks, I like Taylor Swift a little too much, I’m almost too passionate about everything, and I never shut up. But my real friends love me because of that, not despite it. Real, honest friends, will tell me my twitter feed is a bit too Taylor Swift saturated, with a smile because they know how important she is to me. Real, honest friends will be just as passionate as me, about whatever makes them feel that way, because they too know that feelings are important instead of looking down on my passion and opinions. Real, honest friends will sit me down and make me listen while they talk too, instead of talking over me and ignoring what I say because I talk too much.

Real, honest friends will tease me about my little quirks, of course. But they won’t make me feel bad about them. Real, honest friends won’t make me feel bad and alone on those mental health days when I’m feeling anxious or depressed because it’s weird to feel that way and they don’t understand it.

A mean friend is someone who fills your life with negativity, who can never let you be happy about the small things because “why do you feel so strongly about something so dumb?” Your real friend will listen to you talk about Freud for a whole hour because she knows damn well you’ll do the same thing when she talks about Shark Tank.

A mean friend won’t bother to ever understand your unhealthy relationship with food or why you feel insecure in a bathing suit. Your real friend will notice when you’re unhappy and do whatever they can to help you reach your goals instead of making you feel guilty if your diet inconveniences them.

A mean friend will look down on you because your taste in movies or a music is a bit too “basic”. A real friend will disregard that, because the 90s sitcoms you watch have very little to do with who you are as a person.

A mean friend will find flaws in everything you do, and focus on them, just to bring you down. A real friend will share your articles all over social media, support your dreams, and send you gifs of encouragement when you need them, reminding you how amazing you are.

A mean friend will use your weaknesses and insecurities to their benefit, bringing them up in comparison so they can feel better. A real friend will help you battle those insecurities and get over your fears, whether that be talking to boys at a party or riding a roller coaster.

A mean friend will bag on what’s important to you, whether it be your faith, your education, or your hobbies, because they don’t understand, or they don’t agree. A real friend will realize that those things are important to you and that they have two choices, they can make an effort to try to understand, or they can simply respect it, because they have nothing to lose by doing the latter.

You can’t expect all your friends to like, or believe in, the same things you do. But it is not too much to expect them to respect it. Respect your faith, respect your taste in music, respect your “flaws” and quirks.

Your mean friend isn’t your real friend. Remember the difference between someone who is mean and someone who is honest. Someone who is honest will never intend to hurt you and will never make you feel bad for being “sensitive.” Someone who is honest will never exclude you.

Understand that you deserve better than a friend who constantly brings you down. Sometimes you will find the best of friends in the most random of situations. Sometimes you have to be your own friend, and that’s okay.

I think it’s important to realize, though, that sometimes mean friends start as real friends, and then something happens, you can never really pinpoint it, and they change. Sometimes people drift apart, and new friends can have a negative influence. Sometimes you realize you’re in two very different points in your life, and it’s hard to be friends. Sometimes people just reveal their true colors after a while. What led to them being a mean friend isn’t what’s important. What’s important is recognizing that they are mean, that the friendship is toxic, and that you need to get out.

I am forever grateful for the real, honest friends I have. The ones that have my best interests at heart, but make sure they’re never the reason I feel low and upset. Yet, I’m glad I’ve had some mean friends in the process, for they’ve helped me learn my worth.