I’ve paced my apartment about a thousand times today alone. I have thoughts racing through my head and fears rushing through my veins. I often think back to the day you came over and sat on my couch, looking better than I had ever seen you look, just to tell me you wanted to be done. You didn’t want to try and fix anything, a friendship wasn’t coming out of it, just done.
You may not know this, but I sat in my bedroom window and watched you leave. You sat in your car, yelling and hitting the steering wheel for what felt like days but it was really only ten minutes. What were you saying? Were you mad that I was so easy to get rid of or that I wasn’t running after you? It took everything in me to not go rushing after you and beg you to stay, but who would do that? What kind of girl runs after a boy who just said she wasn’t worth fighting for?
You were something I wanted to fight for. You were who I wanted to spend forever getting to know better and growing with. I spent the next few weekends out with friends, drowning my sadness at the bars, and then coming home just to call you and leave some crazy voicemail. You talked to me a few times, asking how Charlie was or how my move into my new house went.
You never failed to remind me that we needed to move on and go our own ways. This iMessage soul-crushing. I didn’t need to be reminded by you, my empty bed was enough.
As much as I hate reliving that day over and over in my nightmares, I still hold hope. I still have this feeling that our story isn’t over and that we’re just taking time to grow. That’s what God does, right? He puts people into our lives that are meant to challenge us and make us who we are.
Maybe I’m supposed to live my Miss America chapter before you come back, maybe you’re supposed to go on to grad school before you find out that I’m what you’ve been needing.
An ending like ours can’t really be an ending, it seems more like a pause. A pause to find out who we are and what we want out of life and love. Why were you screaming and crying in your car when you left? Did you not like hitting the pause button on us? Was it just too much for you to deal with? I’d really like to know someday.
I understand that this isn’t something you’ll ever read or hear about. I just needed you to know a few things. Charlie is doing great, he has a cat sister named Stella, and they are the best of friends. I am still chasing my Miss North Dakota dream in hopes of sharing my platform with the entire state. I just had my first real big kid interview today, and even with doing all of that good, I still find time to miss you.
There will always be a large part of me in love with you and missing you. Just know that if you choose to come back and hit play, I’ll be here with my arms open wide — but know I will not wait forever. I have a life I need to live and other lives I need to explore.
As I go on to a new town with new dreams one day, I’ll look for our memories in the rearview mirror. We once shared a hometown and now I can’t go home without running into you. I’ll make home feel like home again one day but for now, I’ll stay where I am and I hope to find you in my next adventure.