To my weakness,

We live in culture where it more common to accept and deal with things than to actually let it go in hopes of finding better and what you might deserve. It could be a strength by fighting for what you want to make things work or maybe a weakness by trying to hold onto something that is toxic for you. Eventually, we can look back and realize how each person impacted our lives, now I can see it. My friends used to tell me he was no good and afterall he was my weakness.

I can still recall the first time I met him; he sat on the couch of his living room as I dragged my friend out of his bathroom stall at 9 p.m. on a Wednesday. He didn’t say much, always just seemed to linger nearby. Thinking back, that was part of what intrigued me, but he was never going to say what I wanted to hear. They say drunk words are sober thoughts -- for a while that was enough. It wasn’t a night that I expected to be involved in and he wasn’t ever an ideal situation that I should have ever wanted to be a part of. For two and a half years I was a part of that HMU at 1 a.m. on a Thursday kind of cycle.

We all have weaknesses that we sometimes tend to feel more comfortable keeping to ourselves, sometimes it’s the extra bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and sometimes it’s a guy that doesn’t treat us right. Honestly, it was a game and it took me too long to realize what winning really meant. I never fully gave you want you wanted, which satisfied me. It was almost like playing tag back and forth -- you hitting me up almost every Thursday night was the same cycle of inviting me out, bumping into each other and then spending most of the night talking about our our lives before going our separate ways.

I had fun in a weird kind of a way, one that I think most of us experience in college: something we know isn’t good for us, but at the same time we just can’t get enough.

At some point I thought that was what I wanted, what I deserved.

Sometimes, I miss it. I miss seeing him around campus and giving me that silly smirk, or seeing my name on his phone with a nerd emoji next to it. I miss going over and being his beer pong partner because his roommates all had their girls and he used to call me his. I miss staying up late with him and how comfortable I always was when he would open up to me.

However, he filled my head with confusion.He used to say that he could kiss me forever. The last time I saw him, I left without kissing him goodbye; it was an unusual feeling for me. As fun as games might be, I don’t think it's any fun always having a winner and always having a loser; it's all about the experience and what you learned that can help you out next time.

At the end of the day, I feel like I won. I won because I respected myself enough to never do anything I regretted. I know now what I deserve and sometimes missing people isn’t enough.

I don’t miss smelling the liquor on his breath and all of the apologies he’s ever sent. I will always wish him the best, even though we weren't what was best for each other. I'm certain we will both find what we are looking for. It’s normal to have a weakness, but the day you learn from it is the day you become stronger. When you are able to miss something or someone, but not go back.

Sincerely,

The girl who is stronger now