Many people believe there are only two kinds of girls in this world; the half-naked barbie doll who doesn't remember anything from the night before and the super-religious nun-to-be who dedicates her life to school. The majority of girls don't actually fall into one of these categories though; they are often somewhere in between. But I think that the spectrum can say a lot about someone's character, depending on which side of they choose to lean toward. Many college girls fall right smack dab in the middle; those who will occasionally let loose and party it up on the weekends but still care enough about their life path to take school somewhat seriously.
Then there are girls like me; those who fall somewhere between the middle of the spectrum and the nun-to-be. I'm not a goody-two-shoes (anymore) but I'm also not a typical college student who thrives on getting the attention of broken beer bottles and boys who won't remember my name.
I do not party on the weekends but I do more than just study. I am often an overachiever in my classes but I'm also not above spark-noting the reading that's due the next day. I like to post pictures of myself but not a million times a week (my rule is that if a girl knows she's pretty, it doesn't count. Girls should be confident but always, always humble). I do not say the "f" word (like, ever) but I have become quite fond of baby swear words. I care about what others think but not enough to be someone I'm not. I am a good girl and that's okay because I'm also a badass, and as confusing as that is, my only choice is to roll with it.
Lately, though, I've been more and more aware of the gap in between myself and the college world around me. Thank goodness my best friends embrace the same gray area of the spectrum that I do; I don't know what I would do without them and I'm so thankful we have each other. But sometimes I wonder if I should be taking advantage of the whole "young and wild and free" thing. Should I be going out more? Should I be taking more risks? Why do I not want to embrace any of these normal college experiences? Maybe someday I will, but what if that day never comes? Or when it comes, what if it's too late? Is there something wrong with me? There's gotta be something wrong with me.
I think I'm too obsessed with doing the right thing, presenting myself in the right way, and following the right path. While most of the time this doesn't bother me, sometimes I wish I wasn't afraid to make mistakes. I wish I wasn't afraid to fail. I wish I wasn't afraid to be judged or looked down upon. But I am and there's something very confusing and frustrating about this; I see other girls who don't care (or at least, who pretend they don't care) about mistakes, failure, and judgement. They aren't afraid to be "young and wild and free" and they still end up at the same spot as me. Often times they are still taken seriously by professors, parents, and other adult figures. They still graduate on time because even though they didn't study for a single thing, they still found a way to pass. They still get boys to like them (way more boys, actually). They still get scholarships and honorary recognitions. They still get elected for president and chosen for orientation programs. They still become successful and they still have friends and a family who support them through thick and thin.
As a twenty-year-old college student, I find myself pondering what it would be like to tiptoe to the other end of the spectrum. Not to stay there, but maybe to try it out. If adults would still respect me, maybe I should I do it. If my classmates saw me as more fun, easygoing, and extroverted, maybe I should do it. If being careless and sneaky and full of myself would allow me to relax and have a good time, maybe I should do it.
Just one drink. Come on, smoke this with me.What's his name again? That skirt is so short, it's perfect. I already skipped once this week I can't do it again. I know I posted a selfie three hours ago but this one is too good not to post too. I don't even remember what happened last night.
The other end of the spectrum: I could casually saunter over to see what it's all about. But would I? Probably not. And here's why.
I tend to analyze others' abilities to spread sunshine through their inner core. Oh yes, I'm all about the core. In a situation that requires perseverance, difficult decision making, and hard work, an individual's core will speak for itself. The way one expresses their commitment to others, the way one defines themselves, and the way one shares their heart with the world really depends on their dedication to the promise of genuine peacekeeping and the golden rule of responsibility. In my experience, people who fall on the other end of the spectrum tend to lack the motivation to uphold such a core of sunshine. So to me, that is the deal breaker. Not the parties or the selfies or the drinking; it's the arrogant, careless, high maintenance inner core that tries to overshadow my sparkling core of genuine rose petals and hardworking fairy dust. To me, that is everything.
So I choose to remain within my in-between area of the spectrum because I am a complicated paradox that has no other choice but to embrace a life of being a good girl and a badass. I would choose a Harry Potter or Star Wars movie marathon over a string of strobe lights, but I would also choose a nap over an extra hour of studying. I would choose Arnold Palmer half & half over any type of alcohol, but I would also choose to scream song lyrics at the top of my lungs during quiet hours. I would choose a cozy sweater over a crop top even on a cool summer night, but I would also choose to wear something that made me feel confident. I would choose the harder class over the easy one if I knew I would learn more, but I would also complain about it the entire time. I would choose longterm commitment over casual, meaningless fun, but I would also choose to love without limitations.
My bottom line; choosing to remain where I am does not make me better than anyone on the other end. I am not perfect (naps, quiet hours, complaining; typical badass stuff), but I would choose the rules over the loophole. I might make mistakes but if I was faced with a difficult decision, I would choose to do the right thing. Every single time. I might not quite fit in anywhere but that's okay. Because I am the happiest when I find the path to where my heart meets my core. And I can't imagine a day where I don't decide to follow it.