Hey, it's been a while. Let me begin by saying I really don't want to start a conversation here. We both know that never ends well, even when I start it with the best of intentions. I don't want an open dialogue. If I'm being honest, I'm not looking for any kind of response to this at all, regardless of if it's positive or negative. Hell, I don't even want to ever know if you see this or not. There are just a few things I need to say, mostly for my own sanity. If you've been keeping tabs on me in that mystic little way of yours, you might know some of this already, but here it goes anyway.

I know you'll want to know, so let me say my family is all doing well. My nephew is growing up so fast, and I can't even express how much happiness that kid brings me. I try to visit at least once a week, and he's started smiling whenever he sees his Uncle Cole now. The rest of the family are all still up to the same old same old, and I feel like we've all been very close lately. I know that probably makes you happy to hear.

You always worry about me, so I should probably say I'm doing alright myself. I've definitely been better I think, but thankfully I nowhere near any of the lows I've experienced in the past. I can't remember the last time I self-harmed, though, like always, the urge is still in the back of my head most of the time. I've made a good amount of friends recently, all really good people that you'd love. I know they've got my back when I need them. I've tried to put a bit of distance between myself and those that pretended to have my back to my face and would say something else when I wasn't around. I know that was a concern of yours.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't changed a bit from the version of me you probably knew better than anyone else. For starters, I drink now. Yeah, yeah, I know, the kid that hated all things pertaining to being drunk or being around drunk people has fallen from grace. Well, for a while, things were just really messed up, and I replaced one vice for another when I stopped cutting. I've gotten much better now though, I'm not dependent on it anymore like I used to be. I think you might have talked to me a bit during that time, but like always I never made you aware of any issues I was dealing with, even if I should have. I'll still get drunk from time to time, but a healthy amount now, and certainly not once a day or more than once a week.

I've let go of a lot of my animosity toward the world, too. I'm not nearly as angry of a person as I used to be. I've legitimately cried over the person I used to see in the mirror. I realized I just held on to all this anger from being bullied, called crazy, being mistreated, and being neglected and rejected by so many of my peers for so many years. You know the story and I've literally written it on here before, so I might as well say by the public school system and the mental health care system starting from such a young age at only 10, as well.

If you think about it, when I met you I was only three or so months removed from that environment. It's taken me being a few years removed from it to see that those years from elementary school to high school are not indicative of the way the world is. It took me a long while to unlearn all the defensive mechanisms I used to keep myself safe for so long. Of course, my family was always there for me, and maybe me realizing that is what's brought me closer with them recently. Anyway, these days I'm really just trying to help people any way I can, and really just trying to give people an excuse to smile the same way my grandpa used to. Honestly, if you told some of my new friends some of the things I've said and done in the past, I don't think they'd believe you.

That kind of brings me to the next thing I have to say. I just want to apologize for all the pain and heartbreak I caused you in the past. In my heart, I always wanted what was best for you and whatever made you happy, but very often my mouth just wouldn't say what my heart wanted it to. It's inexcusable, really. Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when you told me you thought I didn't care anymore. I always cared, there was just a period where I was god awful at showing it and life just made everything all muddled in my head. Even now I still care, still have drunken nights over it when I do drink; you can ask my roommates who've had to listen to it or on one occasion had to help me clean up the vomit.

And yeah, I know. You'll tell me I don't deserve to beat myself up or that it wasn't entirely my fault that things turned out the way they did or something along those lines. You're probably right that I need to learn to forgive myself for things, but I think that's a lesson it's going to take me a few more years to learn, just like it took me a while to learn to let go of my anger. I'll get there. though.

I don't know if there is really much more left for me to say right now. I know that as soon as I hit enter and submit this, a million other things will probably pop into my head, but for now, I've gotten down all the things that have been haunting me in my dreams. I sincerely hope you've found happiness and peace in your life. I'm sorry I can't have this conversation in person, but like I said, I can't do that to either of us. I truly will always be grateful for all the happiness you were once able to bring me, and I'll cherish those memories always.

All my love,

Cole Ryder