It's really a simple question anyone can answer with yes or a no, but for me it's anything but simple. When I’m put in a situation where I am asked this, I actually become so envious of the people who can answer this easily with one word. To me, this question is one of the hardest anyone can ask me. I know I'm probably not alone, and maybe someone out there struggles with the question the way I do, but in the moment, all I can feel is nervousness, a pain that I wish I could forget, and a stab of sadness to which I don't know if it will ever go away. Some people say "Oh, It gets better with time" or "Time heals all wounds," but when I think about time passing by, it actually pains me more.
Because the more I think about time, the more I realize as time passes, my brother will never come back.
I will never experience another birthday with him or him being by my side as I blow out my candles. I will never experience again his comfortable embrace when I'm angry or upset. I will never experience him meeting (or intimidating) my future boyfriends. I will never experience him watching me as I walk down the aisle, or congratulating me when I accomplished something or got a promotion in my career. I will never be able to experience my future children getting to know their uncle, because he is no longer physically with me.
When someone asks me that question, whether they're a teacher I just met or a friend I'm getting to know, that's all that runs in my mind during and afterwards. It's not only that, that gets me, but how the hell do I answer that question without being awkward or without the conversation turning into a pity party? Do I say "No,” and just save myself the time explaining and the possible sympathetic looks? If I do that though, I would honestly beat myself up over it because I'm not being completely honest with that person, or really myself. If I say no, it's why does it feels like I'm denying he ever existed in the first place?
So even when I'm faced with that question and every atom in my being wants to say "No,” I never can because my conscience won't let me. So I have to go through the awkward ice breaking where I have to explain, how, when, where, and deal with the pity party that awaits me, but I don't their pity, and I don't want the 'Oh, I'm so sorry's'.
And honestly, I should be used to dealing with that question. I should I have a preplanned answer, but I don't, and I can't explain why. I don't know if I’ll ever be able to. So now even after almost five years after he's been gone, you will still see me crack my knuckles out of nervousness, palms sweaty, and my awkward stature when I'm asked the question;
"You have a sibling, Right?"