You Don't Have To Be Having Sex To Appreciate Sexual Freedom

You Don't Have To Be Having Sex To Appreciate Sexual Freedom

You do you. But I don't think I'll be doing anybody at all.
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Newsflash: you don’t have to be having sex to appreciate sexual freedom.

I was probably in my mid-teens when I realized I was bisexual. At first, I dressed in a fashion that I called "androgynous," but now no longer claim as that serves as a bit of an insult to the androgynous community seeing as I stuck it under that label when in reality, it was just sloppy. However, I was happy. I knew that under the breaths of the peers in the private Christian school I was attending the words “dyke” and “faggot” and the most creative one “ugly” were being thrown around, but in reality, it ceased to bother me. I genuinely mean that because I did not have even the slightest of interest in any of the boys attending my school nor the girls really.

I realized who I was and what I was and truly didn’t think it was the job of anyone else to do that for me. They weren’t obligated to accept me. That was my job.

However, a year passed and I ventured back into the world of makeup. It was one I had a bit of a love-hate relationship as I often felt obligated to do it instead of just doing it for the sheer enjoyment which I truly do think should be the overall purpose of it. Women should in no way have an obligation to be beautiful. When this occurred, the entire subject of sex and sexuality seemed to make a full circle back to me.

As a feminist, I have always celebrated sexuality and the sexual freedom of others. I will always fight for the fact that it is a woman’s right to choose. A woman should be able to show skin if she wants and feel liberation in her own body. However, although I campaign for sexual freedom and stand by my friends who venture into the world of sexuality, I am a virgin myself. This is something I am not embarrassed about and in reality, I could change it easily if I wanted to, but I don’t.

My virginity is nothing something I cling to under the belief that it is precious and I am a special flower. I resent the individual’s who tell a woman her worth is tied to her virginity and you are giving a part of yourself away to someone when you sleep with them. Fun is fun and sex is sex, however, I was always moderately upset when I heard of the casual hookup stories of my friends. I often even heard them through a third party actually, although occasionally from the friend themselves.

I could never really picture what they were telling me and really although this sounds odd and gruesome I always sort of felt you had to see it to believe it. If I had seen them making out in the aggressive fashion they described to me, perhaps it would be easier to understand and believe.

As a bisexual woman, I really do believe people often think of me as someone who has a lot of experience. In reality, I am an 18-year-old virgin who has absolutely none in the slightest. I even wondered how situations turn sexual and how to end them once they do. When I was with a boy I liked, I dropped him off at his house. My heart beat nervously as I pulled into his driveway, as this is often a moment where a kiss goodbye is shared. I just told him goodbye, and he opened the door to leave.

I didn’t take this as an indication of his like or lack thereof for me. If we had begun making out, I would like for it to end there, not further. As I said, though the opportunity has been there, I do not want to be rid of my virginity. This is not because of any negative thoughts that I have of people that do or playing into the patriarchal thought that a woman is defined by her virginity, however, a personal preference of mine is for me to have it. Perhaps I am scared and certainly, I am inexperienced.

Either way, I was filled with a sort of interesting, unusual feeling when I heard of the sexual escapades of my friends. It was often brushed by quickly, just using the broad blanket term “hook up” without a lot of details, however, sometimes it was described in moderate detail. I can’t describe the feeling upon hearing the description and although it’s unfortunate the best way I really do know how to express my feeling is unusual discomfort. I would never show that and I certainly hope all my friends feel free to do what they like without judgment, given that they’re safe and protected.

However, it was never something I could see for myself. If I do take part, some part of me thinks it won’t be based on hormones or being horny. It would be for the experience. It would be for the bragging. It would be so I no longer had to carry around the label of virgin. It would be so that when people asked me about it, I wouldn’t have to lie. If I lost my virginity, it wouldn’t be for me. It would be for the story, the experience, and dodging the judgment of others. I always wondered when hearing these kinds of stories if people were acting on hormones, instincts, feelings, or just the societal feeling that this was what they were supposed to do. If you were a man, you were supposed to be screwing something.

If you are a woman, sex isn’t supposed to be a real desire for you at all. I think that my entire position might actually come as a bit surprising to some. I talk about sex very openly and candidly. I once had a friend text me frequently from my driveway to come out which I ignored because I was finishing personnel business if you know what I mean. I was having my me time... my pleasure time, okay I think you get the picture. I also told an entire class about one of my first vivid accounts of sexuality and how good it felt, and I will not be sharing those details, but it involved a pool noodle. Your imagination can do what that what you’d like.

I talked a lot about sex with my friends. I still do. Although, I guess the difference is before it was just talking. I was speaking about sex and what it could be like and theoretically what I would like, whereas now, people are actually going out and having it. I guess the words themselves are so different when they’re just words and a bit scarier when they morph into actions. I never really intended to ever sleep with anyone, but it was always fun to talk about. Perhaps that is what scares me.

People aren’t just talking anymore, they’re doing. I always assumed the people who talk about sex the most are the ones who have it the least. There are those to talk and those who actually do. It became obvious to me that I was a talker. I assumed everyone else around me was a talker as well. They were doing a lot more than talking though. It actually made me feel weirder and sadder, though, when the sex was a secret.

When I received some backward gossip about who had slept with who and the whole ordeal was a giant secret. This was usually because the girl felt ashamed or maybe even because she felt pressured. The whole concept of secret sexuality made me feel sicker and sadder than the outspoken kind.

I guess in reality, I think there’s a hell of a lot more to life than sexuality. I wish the world wasn’t so damn obsessed with it. It makes me feel a little sad actually because life is full of more beautiful things. There are countries to travel, languages to learn, people to meet, drinks to have, blunts to smoke, and a life to live. It seems that even the situations that are truly only intended for fun such as drinking, smoking, hanging out, or watching a movie can revert to sexual situations quickly.

I believe this to be that sex is often seen as the only way to truly have fun and that annoys me quite a bit. I think there are other ways and I have even avoided doing certain things with certain people in fear that they will shift the situation into one that is sexual. I don’t have a lot of interest in it, but it is evident to me that others do.

In conclusion, I do not believe in shaming people. I also don’t believe in acting like sex is the only thing that anyone is supposed to have interest in. As someone who is concluding their high school career, the lack of knowledge and tact that conversations about sex have to them is often times repulsive and a little bit sad to me. I do truly hope that people are engaging for the right reasons as opposed to wearing the people they’ve been with like medals around their neck. I don't want to take part really. I am happy for those who do though.

I’ve even wondered before it that makes me asexual or if there’s something wrong with me, but in reality, I think I am just a person who realizes I am in no way obligated to do anything I don’t desire to do, especially when that comes to means of sexuality or intimacy. I appreciate sexual freedom and will continue to even if I am a virgin until the day I die. But a word to my friends: y'all scare me sometimes.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle – Here Is Why Being Picky Is Okay

They're on their best behavior when you're dating.
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Dating nowadays described in one word: annoying.

What's even more annoying? when people tell you that you're being too "picky" when it comes to dating. Yes, from an outside perspective sometimes that's exactly what it looks like; however, when looking at it from my perspective it all makes sense.

I've heard it all:

"He was cute, why didn't you like him?"

"You didn't even give him a chance!"

"You pay too much attention to the little things!"

What people don't understand is that it's OKAY to be picky when it comes to guys. For some reason, girls in college freak out and think they're supposed to have a boyfriend by now, be engaged by the time they graduate, etc. It's all a little ridiculous.

However, I refuse to put myself on a time table such as this due to the fact that these girls who feel this way are left with no choice but to overlook the things in guys that they shouldn't be overlooking, they're settling and this is something that I refuse to do.

So this leaves the big question: What am I waiting for?

Well, I'm waiting for a guy who...

1. Wants to know my friends.

Blessed doesn't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.

I want a guy who can hang out with my friends. If a guy makes an effort to impress your friends then that says a lot about him and how he feels about you. This not only shows that he cares about you but he cares about the people in your life as well.

Someone should be happy to see you happy and your friends contribute to that happiness, therefore, they should be nothing more than supportive and caring towards you and your friendships.

2. Actually, cares to get to know me.

Although this is a very broad statement, this is the most important one. A guy should want to know all about you. He should want to know your favorite movie, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite Netflix series, etc. Often, (the guys I get stuck on dates with) love to talk about themselves: they would rather tell you about what workout they did yesterday, what their job is, and what they like to do rather than get to know you.

This is something easy to spot on the first date, so although they may be "cute," you should probably drop them if you leave your date and can recite everything about their life since the day they were born, yet they didn't catch what your last name was.

3. How they talk about other women.

It does not matter who they're talking about, if they call their ex-girlfriend crazy we all know she probably isn't and if she is it's probably their fault.

If they talk bad about their mom, let's be honest, if they're disrespecting their mother they're not going to respect you either. If they mention a girl's physical appearances when describing them. For example, "yeah, I think our waitress is that blonde chick with the big boobs"

Well if that doesn't hint they're a complete f* boy then I don't know what else to tell you. And most importantly calling other women "bitches" that's just disrespectful.

Needless to say, if his conversations are similar to ones you'd hear in a frat house, ditch him.

4. Phone etiquette.

If he can't put his phone down long enough to take you to dinner then he doesn't deserve for you to be sitting across from him.

If a guy is serious about you he's going to give you his undivided attention and he's going to do whatever it takes to impress you and checking Snapchat on a date is not impressive. Also, notice if his phone is facedown, then there's most likely a reason for it.

He doesn't trust who or what could pop up on there and he clearly doesn't want you seeing. Although I'm not particularly interested in what's popping up on their phones, putting them face down says more about the guy than you think it does.

To reiterate, it's okay to be picky ladies, you're young, there's no rush.

Remember these tips next time you're on a date or seeing someone, and keep in mind: they're on their best behavior when you're dating. Then ask yourself, what will they be like when they're comfortable? Years down the road? Is this what I really want? If you ask yourself these questions you might be down the same road I have stumbled upon, being too picky.. and that's better than settling.

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5 Reasons Why I Don't Want Kids

Procreating. It's not for everyone.

dambro64
dambro64
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My cousin had a baby last August. She's absolutely beautiful and I love her to death, but she doesn't change my mind when it comes to wanting kids when I'm older. Truth is, I don't want kids. I'm sure everyone says this at some point in their life, and maybe I will change my mind in the future, but kids kind of freak me out.

Maybe I'm just not the most maternal person, but here's why having kids, at least for now, isn't on my bucket list.

1. Giving birth.

I know, I know, it's a beautiful thing, the miracle of life or whatever, but go watch a birthing video and then come tell me how beautiful it really is. Everything from a woman's water breaking, to actually giving birth just grosses me out, to be honest.

The thought of having to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon is just absolutely terrifying. I have a pretty average to above average pain tolerance, but no matter how well you can deal with pain, that shit is obviously not a pleasant experience.

2. The responsibility.

You have to do everything for babies, literally everything. Feed it, dress it, wash it, change it, put it to sleep, and you have to know what a baby wants when it wants it. If I had a baby and it started to cry, I would have no idea what to do. I know plenty of people say that once you have the baby, you automatically know which type of crying is for what need, but that makes no sense to me.

Do babies have different types of cries? How do you know which is which?

I consider myself a pretty responsible person when it comes time to be accountable for myself, but to be accountable for another life form?

I'll put it this way. I have two pet turtles. We got them when I was about twelve or so years old, and I remember being obsessed with them. That lasted for like maybe two weeks, and then I got bored with them, which meant I didn't take care of them. My parents did. Not the best analogy for obvious reasons, but I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. In other words, if I can barely take care of a pet, how would I ever be able to take care of a small human?

3. Kids are messy and loud.

Look, I'm not like a total clean freak or anything like that, but my mother definitely is. She used to disinfect sticks so my sister and I could roast marshmallows when we went camping for Girl Scouts. My point is, it's been drilled into my brain that everything has to be wiped down clean, and germs are not my friends.

I hate being around sick people; they freak me out, especially since I get sick so easily. If my baby or child were to get sick, I'd obviously still have to take care of it, which means wiping snot, cleaning vomit, and getting coughed on. I guarantee you, as soon as my child were to get better, I'd get sick.

Don't even get me started on changing dirty diapers.

Also, if there's anything I've learned from my cousin's baby thus far, it's that babies put everything in their mouths. Any object on the ground, their hands, and feet; nothing is safe. Babies don't understand sanitation, so it's not their fault, but I just know that if I had a kid, it would be in a plastic bubble so it could remain as clean as possible.

Babies are also very loud. Back when I worked at a diner, we used to have customers with little kids and babies all the time. If the kid was unhappy for any reason, that child would scream its head off. I never understood how such a big noise could come from such a small human.

4. Kids are expensive AF.

Kids are not cheap. They have an entire laundry list of stuff that needs to be bought for them, and they run out of supplies frequently. I can't imagine how much money people spend on things like diapers, formula, and clothes. Speaking of clothes, babies grow out things quickly. You get one or two good uses of an outfit and that's it. They outgrow it, and they can no longer use it.

Then, as they get older, you've got to think about school, eventually college, and extracurricular activities that they want to do, gifts for Christmas and other holidays. I say all of this, realizing how much my own parents have spent on me and my siblings (thanks, Mom and Dad).

5. Raising kids looks hard.

Knowing how much my sisters and I were pains in the asses for my parents, I can't imagine having to deal with that crap myself. The whole idea of shaping a child into a fully functioning member of society with good morals and conscience sounds like a lot of work.

There have been so many times where I would be at work and I'd have to deal with customers that have their kids with them, and these children are the biggest brats I've ever seen. Rude, disrespectful, obnoxious or disruptive; just the opposite of how kids should act in any public setting.

A big part of the reason I wouldn't want kids is that I see other people's kids and the way they act. It makes me just want to yell at the parents. At least I know that if I do ever decide to have kids, they'll be raised the way I want them to be and they'll behave the way they're supposed to. Appropriately.

In the big picture of things, whether or not you want kids is up to you. It's not meant for everyone and that's not the end of the world. I always get told that I don't mean it when I say I don't want kids, which isn't that big of a deal, but it can get annoying. In my opinion, if a person says they don't want kids, it's not because they think kids are like some evil being or anything like that. It's because they know their limits.

Growing a family is an amazing thing, but it's also different for everyone. No one should be judged for not liking or wanting to have kids. Everyone has different opinions. This one is just mine.

dambro64
dambro64

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