No, I Don't Have Kids, And That's How I Like It

No, I Don't Have Kids, And That's How I Like It

Circumstances to how I ended up childfree.
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One of the kids at my job: "Do you have kids Ms. Kim?"

Me: "No."

Them: "Why not?"

Me: "Because I just didn't have any."

Them: "That's sad."

Me: "No, that's good!"

Them: "Well I think that's sad."

Coworker: "Awww, she's a such a sweet child - cause she wants kids one day! That's a good kid!"

Me: 😑😑😑😑


When I was growing up, I knew I wanted to have children of my own. I wanted to be loved unconditionally and needed by someone. I wanted to pass on my love of reading and writing. I wanted to raise them the way I was raised. I wanted to teach them about my religious beliefs and Kwanza.

I had planned out how I would have kids. I'd fall in love, get married, then have my family. I was eager to graduate high school and then graduate college so I could look for my future husband or wife.

At 19, my boyfriend at the time brought something else to my attention when it came to starting a family: he didn't want children because he didn't want to pass on his mental illness to them, and I realized that I was so focused on what I wanted to give my future children that I didn't take into account all the bad things I would pass down to them too.

I don't want to pass my depression on to my kids. I don't want my kids to look like me. I don't want my kids to have any of my personality traits. I don't want my kids to have my bones or my girls to have my enormous chest size. If I had children, there's a large chance I'd pass these things onto them.

As I got older I kept running into people who found it odd that I didn't have kids yet. I started to feel like something was wrong with me. Other girls had similiar future family plans that they had long since abandoned. Why couldn't I will myself to abandon my plans?

Closer to 30 I began to question if I really should have kids. Studies came out often talking about once your 35 then it's highly likely your kids will be born with defects. Did I want to take that chance on top of passing on all my unpleasant genes as well?

How would I deal with living a childfree life when no other women around me are living the same way? I'm tired of being out of step with the world around me.

Why can't I just be like everyone else?

I hadn't graduated college nor found a life partner. And I still hadn't traveled or become a writer like I wanted. By the time I turned 35, I didn't know any females who weren't mothers. I had no role models to ask how I could even live a fulfilling childfree life. Every message drums in how truly great having children is. I halfway agree, but I also feel like maybe I don't have to have kids to have a fulfilling life anymore.

I always just had other things to worry about and work on than having kids. School, work, pets, bills, transportation, leisure, friends, family. Perhaps I could just have my goals and aspirations in life.

Maybe I could even find love, have everything except kids. Maybe that's enough for me.

So I started joining "childfree" groups on Facebook, just to see if I was really childfree or just childless. I came across a lot of childfree people who hated children. Maybe I wasn't Childfree then since I don't hate kids. I love kids! My whole life has been educating and spoiling people's kids! If circumstances had been different in my life, maybe I would have had kids. I figured I was just childless then.

I then started to come across people whose lives were empty without kids or they couldn't have kids for whatever reason. I wasn't sure if my life is empty without kids, but I feel like if I knew others who relate to that, my life could still be good without kids.

My city put together The Not-Mom Summit a few years ago, for those who are childfree and childless. I was thrilled. I finally found a place full of people who were going through some of the same things I was. I had role models to see how I can actually lead a fulfilling life without kids - despite the constant shaming and pressure from others to have them.

Turns out I am childfree. I'm just a childfree person who doesn't hate kids. I don't have to have children to be happy in life, and that's okay. I feel sorry for the child who feels sorry for me because I don't have kids. I'm glad she knows what she wants at such a young age. I thought I did too.

Maybe one day she'll find herself living a different life than she planned for too.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.

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Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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Blood Doesn't Determine Family

Blended families are just as much of a family as a traditional one.

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If you look above, you can see that have a very large family on my mother's side. Between my grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins and my own immediate family, we're at thirty-three members and counting. All branches of our family tree have busy lives, so we don't get to see each other as much as often as we would hope to. Christmas is the one time a year where we all finally get together for the evening. If you sat in on our holiday party, you may think that we have a couple screws loose, but there is no doubt that you would be able to feel the love radiating from room to room.

If you look at the picture I chose for my header, you can see all of the cousins gathered for our yearly picture. Dysfunctional, of course, but you can tell that love is there. Would it surprise you that out of our entire huge family, less than half of us are blood-related?

I come from a blended family, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Blood does not determine family to us. Love does.

Divorce can be a messy thing, especially when children are involved. Both my aunt and uncle had remarried into relationships that already had children. For the most part, none of us can really ever remember a time when we weren't considered family. We don't ever look at each other as not being related. We never will. Family to us is the love and support that is shared unconditionally between us.

As I said, you would never be able to tell we weren't blood-related unless I told you. Not only do we all look similar to one another (which again is odd, because if the marriages had never taken place, we would just have a ton of doppelgangers running around), but the love and passion that we radiate is unmistakable that we have a bond that will never be broken, let alone determined by biology.

Blended families tend to get a bad rap sometimes from some of the horror stories that can come from second marriages. Not only that, but some people still are stuck in the idea that the only socially acceptable type of family is one where the lineage is clear and concise. Although I can see where these people come from, I don't believe that because there is a lack of shared genetics between all of us, our love is any less strong.

Family is those who will answer a call or text late at night because you need someone to talk to. They're the ones that you end up staying at their house and talking for hours when you meant to make a quick trip in. They are there for you no matter the situation and always believe in you one hundred percent.

Traditional families have a lot of love too, undoubtedly. But please, do not tell me that my family is any less of a family of a family because of its makeup. We have just as much love between us as families with the same bloodline. Blood does not determine the amount of love and affection between all of us. It never will. We will love each other as much as a traditional family. We never look at each other as a mixed family, so please stop treating us as such.

I've said it so many times, but I'll remind you once more. Blood does not determine family, love does-- and I love my family more than life itself.

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