No, I Don't Have Kids, And That's How I Like It

No, I Don't Have Kids, And That's How I Like It

Circumstances to how I ended up childfree.
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One of the kids at my job: "Do you have kids Ms. Kim?"

Me: "No."

Them: "Why not?"

Me: "Because I just didn't have any."

Them: "That's sad."

Me: "No, that's good!"

Them: "Well I think that's sad."

Coworker: "Awww, she's a such a sweet child - cause she wants kids one day! That's a good kid!"

Me: ๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜‘


When I was growing up, I knew I wanted to have children of my own. I wanted to be loved unconditionally and needed by someone. I wanted to pass on my love of reading and writing. I wanted to raise them the way I was raised. I wanted to teach them about my religious beliefs and Kwanza.

I had planned out how I would have kids. I'd fall in love, get married, then have my family. I was eager to graduate high school and then graduate college so I could look for my future husband or wife.

At 19, my boyfriend at the time brought something else to my attention when it came to starting a family: he didn't want children because he didn't want to pass on his mental illness to them, and I realized that I was so focused on what I wanted to give my future children that I didn't take into account all the bad things I would pass down to them too.

I don't want to pass my depression on to my kids. I don't want my kids to look like me. I don't want my kids to have any of my personality traits. I don't want my kids to have my bones or my girls to have my enormous chest size. If I had children, there's a large chance I'd pass these things onto them.

As I got older I kept running into people who found it odd that I didn't have kids yet. I started to feel like something was wrong with me. Other girls had similiar future family plans that they had long since abandoned. Why couldn't I will myself to abandon my plans?

Closer to 30 I began to question if I really should have kids. Studies came out often talking about once your 35 then it's highly likely your kids will be born with defects. Did I want to take that chance on top of passing on all my unpleasant genes as well?

How would I deal with living a childfree life when no other women around me are living the same way? I'm tired of being out of step with the world around me.

Why can't I just be like everyone else?

I hadn't graduated college nor found a life partner. And I still hadn't traveled or become a writer like I wanted. By the time I turned 35, I didn't know any females who weren't mothers. I had no role models to ask how I could even live a fulfilling childfree life. Every message drums in how truly great having children is. I halfway agree, but I also feel like maybe I don't have to have kids to have a fulfilling life anymore.

I always just had other things to worry about and work on than having kids. School, work, pets, bills, transportation, leisure, friends, family. Perhaps I could just have my goals and aspirations in life.

Maybe I could even find love, have everything except kids. Maybe that's enough for me.

So I started joining "childfree" groups on Facebook, just to see if I was really childfree or just childless. I came across a lot of childfree people who hated children. Maybe I wasn't Childfree then since I don't hate kids. I love kids! My whole life has been educating and spoiling people's kids! If circumstances had been different in my life, maybe I would have had kids. I figured I was just childless then.

I then started to come across people whose lives were empty without kids or they couldn't have kids for whatever reason. I wasn't sure if my life is empty without kids, but I feel like if I knew others who relate to that, my life could still be good without kids.

My city put together The Not-Mom Summit a few years ago, for those who are childfree and childless. I was thrilled. I finally found a place full of people who were going through some of the same things I was. I had role models to see how I can actually lead a fulfilling life without kids - despite the constant shaming and pressure from others to have them.

Turns out I am childfree. I'm just a childfree person who doesn't hate kids. I don't have to have children to be happy in life, and that's okay. I feel sorry for the child who feels sorry for me because I don't have kids. I'm glad she knows what she wants at such a young age. I thought I did too.

Maybe one day she'll find herself living a different life than she planned for too.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Best Friend Every Girl Should Be Blessed Enough To Have

You definitely deserve all the love.

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views

I have not written this letter, but it has been on my list of "to write" for forever. She keeps asking when I will write one about her and every time I tell her, soon.

Well here it is. The truth on why it took so long? No words seem to do everything justice. No matter how I put them or how I want them to sound, the page always makes them look weird and they always sound lame.

But finally, here it is. Best friend, this one is for you.

First and foremost I will start with a holy cow. We have been best friends for only a short time because who knew your "in school friend" from all those math classes would actually turn into this? We put off hanging out outside of school for years, and finally, after suffering through all that algebra we decided enough was enough.

I wish we had sooner.

I wish I had gotten more time with you before we both moved away to college - but ill take whatever time I get with you because wellโ€ฆ you're incredible.

Thank you.

Thank you for finally agreeing to hang out with me.

Thank you for listening to every rant ever - whether it was a paragraph long text, a 2 hour FaceTime call or an hour-long car ride.

Thank you for ordering planners with me and spending nights decorating them with me (we are such losers).

Thank you for letting me become a part of your family.

Thank you for going to Friendly's, IHOP and Target at the most ungodly hours.

Thank you for encouraging me in everything I do, and stopping me from making bad decisions.

Thank you for telling me the truth, despite if it hurt me or not, I know now you will never lie about your feelings towards someone (LOL).

Basically, thank you for everything you have done for me. You have made me a better person and you encourage me to be my best self every single day.

Moving on I want to make it clear how incredibly proud of you I am. I love getting texts from you about your love for your classes, and how you want to be president of this club and president of that. How you help out kids, and how you host events. I love hearing about your major and the classes you are so incredibly excited to take. Watching you be so passionate about what you are doing and becoming makes me want to feel the same way in everything I do.

I hope someday my kids are your students because, in your hands, I know they can change the world.

Last but not least, I love you. And you're stuck with me.

Love,

Your forever number one fan

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