I talk a lot about relationships. I talk about relationships with my friends, family and even strangers. I post about them online and give speeches on them. I am in no means a relationship expert, but I have had many learning experiences. So many, my advice tends to help others when they need guidance. That is when I share.
I could write an 800-page book on the lessons I've learned that pertain to relationships. One lesson I usually like to share is about change.
We've all heard the saying, "You can't change someone who doesn't want to change," or "You can't fix something that's not broken." I've learned this lesson the hard way. It took months of self reflecting when I realized most of my relationships went sour because of my desperate need to help. I like to help. I've always took on that "mom" role in any situation. The problem was, not a single one of my then partners asked for it.
Not one of them were broken or needed to change, but they all had their flaws. Just as any human does. Some were depressed, others had trouble with loyalty and trust. Whatever the case, I made it my personal goal to help them, to fix them. I spent the majority of the relationship honing on their flaws and working as hard as I could to help them fix whatever the problem was.
However, my trials remained mostly unsuccessful.
I got frustrated, just as my boyfriend did. I wanted to scream most of the time because my help wasn't being well received. They weren't broken, they didn't see a problem, they didn't want to change. It took me almost too long to realize they didn't need to, just because I thought they did.
This lead me to my realization that, after all the time I spent searching for problematic people, I became attracted to it. It became the center of my attention. I searched for partners who seemed like they needed help. I became the problem, not anyone I began dating.
I took a break from dating after I realized I developed a problematic behavior. I realized that my need to be in a relationship became unhealthy. I realized the only way to fix any of the habits I had was to focus on myself. I needed to help myself, before I could even think of helping others.
I'm healthier now, I don't try to fix people or change them. I love people for who they are, flaws and all. That's what being in a relationship means, I've learned. A relationship is about accepting flaws and supporting decisions, regardless of how you feel.
The lesson here goes beyond learning to let people learn how to fix or change themselves. The lesson is sometimes your help could hurt others. The lesson is people will decide for themselves what they like about them and what they don't.
This lesson goes beyond relationships, but it is a good place to start.
However sappy, I hoped this helped someone. I wish everyone the best of luck with whatever trouble they are going through.