I am a very selfish person.
It is by far on of my best qualities, right above nice legs and seductive charm.
(I am also very vain: Can you tell?)
My mother is the strongest person I know. I remember one of my best friends stood me up on a project we had to finish, and she told me: “the only person you can depend on is yourself.” When my first relationship metastasized and crumbled, my heart had to learn to become selfish as to whom I gave a piece of it to. I had to learn how to love myself more than others in order to protect the most important thing in my life: my sanity.
My entire childhood, I struggled to stick with a singular hobby or project: I wanted to do it all, to become a jack-of-all-trades, as opposed to a master of one (or even none). I would be-bop from swimming to dance, theatre and my part-time job, trying to juggle my life like a circus act. Not much has changed now, in regards to men and women: I want to do it all. College hookups are like an all-you-can-eat buffet: you felt shitty after you went, but couldn’t stay away, because there was so much to offer. Attractive males and females were literally crawling out of the cement dorm walls like cockroaches: I couldn’t have been giddier. How could I possibly give up that rush I get, for a routine?
I wasted a total of three years of my life in a relationship, equating to about four relationships total, each more extra-unordinary than the next. College is my time to worry about myself, which I obviously didn’t do enough of in high school. I want to be selfish. I want to grow as a person, and not focus on regular dates, feelings, and emotional baggage from others. I want to grow my emotional connections with friends and loved ones, as opposed to temporary band-aids that hold everything together. I want to have a time in my life that I am alone…and for once, happy.
I am not saying that I will never love, or find love. I have come to understand that I deserve real love, the kind that kills you, but the sweetest of deaths. I don’t know if I will find that in college, or later on in life, but I don’t care.
Because I refuse to settle any longer.