Yes, I Will Be Missing Out By Settling Down at 20

Yes, I Will Be Missing Out By Settling Down at 20

Because I refuse to settle any longer.
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I am a very selfish person.

It is by far on of my best qualities, right above nice legs and seductive charm.

(I am also very vain: Can you tell?)

My mother is the strongest person I know. I remember one of my best friends stood me up on a project we had to finish, and she told me: “the only person you can depend on is yourself.” When my first relationship metastasized and crumbled, my heart had to learn to become selfish as to whom I gave a piece of it to. I had to learn how to love myself more than others in order to protect the most important thing in my life: my sanity.

My entire childhood, I struggled to stick with a singular hobby or project: I wanted to do it all, to become a jack-of-all-trades, as opposed to a master of one (or even none). I would be-bop from swimming to dance, theatre and my part-time job, trying to juggle my life like a circus act. Not much has changed now, in regards to men and women: I want to do it all. College hookups are like an all-you-can-eat buffet: you felt shitty after you went, but couldn’t stay away, because there was so much to offer. Attractive males and females were literally crawling out of the cement dorm walls like cockroaches: I couldn’t have been giddier. How could I possibly give up that rush I get, for a routine?

I wasted a total of three years of my life in a relationship, equating to about four relationships total, each more extra-unordinary than the next. College is my time to worry about myself, which I obviously didn’t do enough of in high school. I want to be selfish. I want to grow as a person, and not focus on regular dates, feelings, and emotional baggage from others. I want to grow my emotional connections with friends and loved ones, as opposed to temporary band-aids that hold everything together. I want to have a time in my life that I am alone…and for once, happy.

I am not saying that I will never love, or find love. I have come to understand that I deserve real love, the kind that kills you, but the sweetest of deaths. I don’t know if I will find that in college, or later on in life, but I don’t care.

Because I refuse to settle any longer.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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You've Heard Of 'How To Be Single,' But Let's Talk About 'How To Be Romantic'

For some of us, it takes work to be cutesy and romantic.

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Okay, I'm probably the least romantic person anyone has ever met. Not to say that I'm a bad girlfriend or that I'm not caring. I just find love in simple things like knowing what to order for them at restaurants, doing their laundry, planning unique dates, or cooking for them. It's not that I'm opposed to being arduous, I've just never been a chocolate and flowers kind of girl. I'm more of a Mongolian hot pot and "let's walk across the Brooklyn Bridge!" kind of girl. I appreciate some effort, tailoring something to fit a person's idiosyncratic personality or general spontaneity, not how flowery something looks. Not saying that I'm not feminine, I'm just my own entity, so to speak, and that translates into my love life. Needless to say, I thought I should learn how the other half lives, so I've challenged myself to take a course on being a classic/hopeless romantic just to understand how others think and who knows I might change some of my habits!

1. Leave notes

I think it's a really cute and simple idea that I will try to do because it makes everything very personal.

2. Write them a poem

I've had this done for me but I've never actually done it, because believe it or not, I didn't like to read or write poems up until this year.

3. Cuddling

Okay, so I'm not a cuddler, I have no idea why — it's more or less a personal space and attachment issue, I guess. I love hugs though! I guess I just have to be in the mood to cuddle and at times I can be. Other times it just makes me nervous.

4. Dedicate a song to them on the radio

It seems like the people on the radio that do this are crazy in love and honestly, to be able to have the ability to go on the radio and just declare your love for someone else is really inspiring.

5. Surprise them!

I personally cannot stand surprises, but I love to surprise other people and just be spontaneous, so I sort of do this already.

6. Carve your names into a tree

I've thought about doing this, but I've never got around to it, so I promise one day I will.

7. Go see a romantic movie

Nope, nope, I'll barf! Not happening, strictly horror movies for this girl, sorry!

8. Make them a care package

See, this makes me think a lot about what really defines romantic, because I do this all the time, but I don't consider it romantic, I just think it's sweet.

9. Take a walk on the beach together

I've done this, but I have to be doing this while looking for seashells or I feel like I'll be bored.

10. Make a CD for them

"THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER," CHARLIE IS QUAKING.

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