As an introvert, I cannot deny that social situations are a drain. There are few people I know who don't exhaust me after an hour of conversation, regardless of how tiring the rest of my day has been. Parties drag on endlessly in a stream of small talk and faces and speaking during class is always a struggle of hoping that people don't notice if I stutter or ask me to speak up because, believe me, I'm already trying.
I need the space to recharge after I feel sluggish from talking or simply being around people, in which there is nothing quite as satisfying as my soft blanket, a movie or a book, and a cup of hot chocolate. Sometimes it is hard to face the day ahead knowing that the world is full of so many rooms congested with strangers, endless chatter, and faces that, in the moment, feel as if they are all turned towards me and picking out every last flaw and insecurity.
I've decided over the years that dealing with people is not my strong suit and I'd much rather hide along the edge and hope that no one will spare me a second glance.
Despite my shy quirks and moments of wishing that I would never be the center of attention, however, I am not anti-social.
In fact, believe it or not, I like the company of people who I know and trust. Strangers are terrifying and send me hiding into a shell, but my friends are the ones who see me when I laugh so hard and so loud that I can't breathe, or who know that I'm not always afraid to strike up a conversation.
I like people, I really do. I just find that I like a very select few because the larger population is too much for my little introverted heart to bare.
It's a strange dichotomy that even I am still working to understand as I go through my day-to-day, and it's not something I feel that I can explain easily. The best example I can give, I suppose, would be to compare myself to a rechargeable battery. There is something fulfilling in going out and using the energy I have by being around people I enjoy. Exerting myself in social activities is satisfying, but it is only a matter of time until the energy reserves have been used up and I need to return to a place where I can rest in preparation for the next outing.
Using my energy is, in actuality, enjoyable. I like being out in the world and experiencing life. That is, it is enjoyable in moderation. Too much socializing can and will make me irritable and standoffish, to a point that I retreat from the world for extended periods of time when the world has become too much.
I am not against meeting new people, nor do I seek repelling people. Quite the opposite, in truth. I seek company in doses and choose my inner circle carefully lest I find a certain person pushing me too far and draining too much of my energy.
My shyness always has been and continues to be a defining part of who I am, but it is not debilitating nor do I mean to drive people or shut them out in my mannerisms. Those I let in close, surely, are those I would trust my life with, without a doubt.