A few days ago was the anniversary (a horrible name for it) of someone I loved and cared for's death. I almost missed it amidst papers and midterms. I was thinking about her, but sometimes the actual day is forgotten. After three years, you realize that all of the cheesy, shitty grieving literature is right, it may not hurt the same way, but it will always hurt. This year it hit me like a ton of bricks; suddenly my Buddhism midterm seemed unimportant and I realized how little I really care about probabilities. In the grand scheme of things, I'm right about both of those things, however, I also know that wallowing won't help either.

The first year anniversary I made a deal with myself to not think about her or do anything in memory of her on the actual anniversary, it didn't help or soften the blow. It was then that I learned that the actual day is unimportant, it is the remembrance of the loss that matters. Last year I called my mom crying in the days beforehand and on the actual day, while it was a better way to handle it, it also forced my mom to relive it. She was crushed by my loss as a mom and as my mom in particular and by reminding her I forced her to feel those things again. This year I decided to do things differently, partially because I had lost track of the date until the day of and partially because I know that I will make it through this as I have for the passed two years.

The thing that the grief literature doesn't say is that you start forgetting things about the person you loved. I don't remember what it feels like to hug her anymore, I don't remember the words on her favorite sweatshirt anymore, and I don't remember the sound of her voice. I try to hear it in my head, but it never sounds right and maybe that's because her voice will never sound right when it's not coming from her mouth. I barely remember the last words we said to each other, but they were good and I have to live with that. Her death has taught me that I should never leave things badly with someone I love and/or care for because there aren't do-overs. Everyone who knew her has different memories and feelings and it is talking to those people that helps and hurts. I feel guilty for how things ended between us, but hearing from other people who cared for her, reminds me of her in a way I can't experience on my own.

"You never realize what you had until it's gone." I did realize what I had, I just made a mistake and that feels even worse. This year was hard like the previous two years were that hasn't changed and maybe in some ways that's what it should be like because the person is not less gone from your life, if anything, they've been gone longer. I try to make my articles helpful or funny usually, but this article is for me and for Diana so it doesn't need to be either of those things. I hope that if anyone else feels this way after a loss that they are reminded they are the only ones and in this situation that's really all I can offer because I have no answers and I have no jokes. I miss you everyday Diana, and this month I feel it just a little more than usual.