Loss is tough. It acquires significant energy. It hurts to keep up with something, or someone, you've already lost.
I think about her a lot. I wonder what she is doing in Heaven, as I hurt down here on Earth. I may not show it, but I feel it twice as much. Is she happy up there? Does she wish she were down here?
What does it even feel like? Those who have never experienced a loss such as this will never know until it happens to them. It doesn't feel like anything until the numbness becomes too numb that it actually starts to hurt. I think numbness is more powerful than regular, physical pain.
Why am I sad? I lost someone close to me. Most seem to believe that time heals all wounds, yet here I am, sitting with the wounds that have been cut deeper and deeper. Four years later.
This hurts. I try to get up and brush it off, occupying my mind until it stops crying before it makes me cry. Four years feels like an eternity, but at the same time, it feels like a day. I think of her and her memory is alive.
What scares me is that her memory is fresh, but I'm starting to forget her voice sounds like. It's very vague in my mind. I can hear her most clearly in my dreams. I know what she looks like, but I only remember her in her abundance of good health and even better spirits. She loved to sing and dance.
I can't even bear to think of her sick.
It hurts me too much. My heart slowly starts to break, it's breaking, broken.
Four years later. I couldn't tell you what I was exactly wearing during my 8th-grade graduation, and I couldn't tell you what I had for dinner last week. But I can tell you in detail of the moment when she went to see Jesus.
As the years go by, it never gets easier. I can tell you that right now. Four years, and it hurts just as much as it did that exact day. There is a new normal; I have a new process and daily schedule. I think about other things now, but she still lays in the back of my mind, talking to me, singing, drinking a margarita. She lays on a beach while I'm here.
It never gets easier, but it also does not get any harder. It's odd. Sometimes, I will have moments where I feel like the world is burning and crashing around me, and no one can help me but her. There are moments when I wish she could help. But she can't. I've learned to accept and move on, but it still hurts.
Just because you can overcome something, it doesn't mean you forget it in the first place.
I miss you, Mom.