As I rang in the New Year, I had a feeling I never felt before. I had decided not to set a resolution or any type of list like every other year. Every New Year I had set a number of goals for myself, and could never stick to them and then would feel like a failure by mid-February.

But this year I didn’t have a goal to lose 20 pounds or stop eating dairy. The goal I had set for myself are goals I did not need to write down and beat myself up over when not completing. I realized in order for me to achieve all the things I set out to do and live the life I want to live this year, I had to be happy.

Happy is a very vague word. Anyone can be happy for a number of different reasons and everyone isn’t going to be happy all the time. I know this for a fact. What I mean to be happy is to be content with what I do with my life and the people I have in it despite obstacles or negativity. It seems so simple on paper but it is one of the hardest things I have yet to accomplish.

For so long I settled on many things in my life. I knew what I really wanted but was scared to fail that I decided to settle for what was in front of me. This has shown in my friendships, relationships, my major, the list goes on. I thought that “Hey Khayla this works be happy!” I tried forcing myself that this is what it’s like to be happy but the act didn’t last for very long.

Comparing myself to others and basing my feelings off of other people was not a healthy mindset, and it led me to often feel invisible because this was a pain I kept inside. When I was alone I felt that I was a loser and when I was around a group of people I either had the time of my life or felt the most alone.

The inconsistency of having others control how I feel was dreadful, and eventually led me to break down…a lot. After this constant cycle of fighting with myself, I was convinced I wasn’t good enough to be happy.

But I was wrong. Letting other people’s actions and words control my feelings and me as a person gave them more control over me than I had over myself. This took me a very long time to realize.

Being aware of the situation I put myself in mentally was the best thing that could ever happen to me. I finally had control over myself and no one could try and take that away anymore. That was a goal in itself. My biggest goal I would say.

Going into 2018 I already feel brand new. Not because we changed the date or captioned my Instagram picture “New Year, New Me”, but because I had taken control over my happiness. Instead of deciding to hang with friends that ultimately made me feel worse about myself or speak negatively I stay home and dance.

I blast music and I dance like no one is watching. I let go of myself completely and get lost in the music and the moment. No one could criticize me or put me down. Before I would have thought that was lame but this is when I’m the happiest. I was so scared to try something new that it held me back from many things I actually enjoy.

It’s still a work in progress. Every day I don’t feel the same, and sometimes just want to be down. But instead of constantly dwelling on things I don’t have, or people who put me down in my free time, I'm learning how to meditation, picking up French, getting piercing and just being spontaneous, loving life, and seizing the day.

I can’t control the lousy things that happen in life but I can control how I react to it. I ultimately control my future and my happiness. I’m ready to live the life I want to live and even though I don’t know exactly what that means yet, but I am in the right direction.