Dear Future Emma:

Hey there. Current Emma coming at you live from the present day. It's a gorgeous summer evening out; the sun has set slowly behind the trees like a bright orange ball, and the languid wind is blowing the gentle smells of rain and fresh air across my nose. The birds in the trees around me are singing their individual songs, and as I look up at the sky, I can catch the faintest glimpse of the moon as it makes its nightly appearance.

It's beautiful. And it's scary and heartbreaking to think that just a few months ago, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to wake up anymore. If I wanted to live another day. If it was worth it to open your eyes, take a deep breath in, and face all the challenges that lay ahead. It's terrifying to realize that for a time, the color and vibrancy of life all around me was lost to my deadened, hazy gaze. The girl who was in the hospital for her eating disorder and other mental illnesses was a mere shadow of the girl I am now. She was a faint whisper where I am my loud, happy laughter. Her skeletal frame didn't leave enough room for the love and support of others around her. Her eyes showed her nothing but lies and deceit designed to warp her mind and transfigure her thoughts.

I may be stronger than her; I may have more life in me than she ever did, but I am still not there. I am still not you.

I am not happy with the way I look and feel. I still spend time agonizing over my appearance in the mirror and countless minutes applying makeup to my face and straightening my hair to try and change the way I look, even if it's just the slightest bit and the most see-through facade ever. I dress in clothes that are too warm for the season and are several sizes too big, because the idea of wearing something that even hints at the recovering body lying beneath the fabric is horrifying. I struggle with the desire to just give up and relegate myself back to the life I was living just a few short months ago every time I'm faced with the task of eating again. Sometimes when I smile, the happiness doesn't reach my eyes. I avoid certain situations and certain people because I don't want to experience something that triggers me into using an eating disorder behavior or brings back painful memories of the past.

Sometimes it's impossible to believe you exist. The present day stretches out in front of me like an endless body of water; waves of emotion constantly roll over me and threaten to drown me. A lot of the time, it's all I can do to barely keep myself afloat; keep my head above the surface. And some days, I slip below.

These are the moments when I start to pick myself apart, littering the ground with little fragmented pieces of the girl who has already had to fight so hard to put herself somewhat haphazardly back together. The toxic poison that is my eating disorder is in my bloodstream; it courses through my veins with every beat of my heart and threatens to stop it altogether.

But sometimes, I fight. And that's because I want to be you, someday, Future Emma. I want to be everything I've ever wanted to be and everything I believe I could be. Everything my eating disorder, my depression, my anxiety, and the other demons inside my head try and convince me that I will never be able to become.

Future Emma, I hope you realize how beautiful you are. I hope you gaze at yourself in the mirror and instead of trying to find all the things that are "wrong" with the way you look; instead of dissecting your reflection with the sadistic intention of making yourself miserable, that you try and notice all the things that are "right" about you. I hope you can smile widely and not be afraid that your eyes crinkle up at the corners or that the dimples in your cheeks grow deeper. I hope you can laugh and have it be real and loud and full: the kind of laugh that inspires you to laugh even more until your body hurts and tears of happiness spring to your eyes. I hope you learn to accept your body as it is; for all its flaws and imperfections, I hope you manage to look beyond these and notice what a miracle it is that you are even alive. I hope you are grateful for your beating heart, your working lungs, your functional senses, your strong bones and muscles, and a body that is slowly healing from the seemingly irreparable damage you caused it.

I wish you nothing but happiness and joy, even when there are times where all you feel is despair and sadness. I hope that you will be able to rise up out of the ashes, dust yourself off, and continue on with life, even though the ground under you threatens to give way any second. I hope that in the deepest and darkest of times, you find a light.

I hope you wake up in the morning grateful to have begun another day, not unsure of whether or not it's even worth getting out of bed and preparing to face the barrage of things life is undoubtedly going to throw at you. I hope that you pick out clothes and stay in them, rather than changing your outfit innumerable times because you feel too uncomfortable in most anything, I hope you head down the stairs and eat a breakfast that isn't dominated by the use of measuring cups and spoons. I hope you take a bite of your food and savor the way it tastes and feels; I hope you learn how to enjoy food again.

I wish you the ability to find the beauty and the brilliance in even the smallest of things. I hope you look at sunsets and admire the way the sun's rays tinge the world around you a bright orange red, bathing your surroundings in a warm glow. I hope you lay in the grass outside staring up at the night sky above you, stretched out like a vast, never-ending expanse, and marvel at the infinite number of stars that twinkle down at you. I hope you look up at that sky and realize how small you are, and yet how unique and special you are.

I wish you a life filled with travel and new experiences. I hope that you push aside your fears and the voices in your head that tell you not to do something or not to try something and embrace change with open arms. I hope you get to see the world: from the vast oceans, to plains and fields, to mountain ranges towering towards the horizon, to cities filled to the brim with skyscrapers and noise. I hope that you spend some nights laughing so hard you can barely breathe. I hope that you always remember to lend a kind, helping hand to those who are less fortunate than you. I hope that when you are sad that you never alone; that there are arms reached out to offer you a hug and to shield you from the horrors that you will sometimes have to face. I hope that when tears streak down your face like a waterfall, you remember to hold your head high and continue to carry on despite the fact that the world feels like it's stopped spinning. I hope you remember how fortunate you are to even be alive. I hope you never forget what a gift life is.

I hope you never lose your desire to learn. I hope you take your education for everything it's worth, both what you learn in school and from others around you as you journey through life. I hope you make innumerable friends around whom you aren't afraid to be anyone but yourself. I hope you never let anyone extinguish your crazy sense of humor or your sharp wit.

I wish you a long life filled with love. I hope you find that someone who looks at you like the sun rises and sets with you. I hope you find the person who loves you more than you ever thought possible. I hope you find your best friend of all and are fortunate enough to spend the rest of your life with them. But more than that, I hope that you find love with yourself. That you learn to accept yourself as you are; flaws and all, everything. That you learn to love who you are and who you have the potential to become as you continue walking along the road to recovery. I wish you a life filled with love, with joy, with passion, with friendships, with romance, with discovery, with surprises, with sadness, with boredom, with change, with fright, with uncertainty, with surety, and everything else that the roller coaster of your life has in store for you.

Future Emma, I know that with every passing day, I grow closer to making you a reality.

I hope I get to meet you soon.

Love, Current Emma.