You do not realize something is gone until you wake up everyday for a month and do not have it. Waking up with no good morning text messages or knowing you were going to hang out with that person. I woke up lonely and confused for a month. I woke up wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done better. I woke up with tears in my eyes looking in the mirror at what I thought was the problem. ME. I had the amazing support system of my family and friends to make me get out of bed and try and get my mind off the fact that my heart was broken. I started my first big girl job and would work during the day and cry at night. It was a vicious cycle that I was not sure how to get out of. I was punishing myself for him not wanting me. The months of July and August I was sad, confused, unworthy and broken. 

They say people come into your life for a reason and that I truly believe. In the month of September I received a Facebook message from an unruly person that had not crossed my mind since freshmen year in high school. Little did I know that getting that Facebook message would slowly change everything about how broken I was. The message was from a guy that secretly had a crush on me in middle school (at least he thought it was a secret, but he is probably as subtle as a gun). The message happened because  I saw a friend request in my inbox that I had left there for 6 years. He was surprised I finally accepted it which is why I got an immediate message. He messaged to ask how I was doing and for some insane reason I was completely honest. I was broken. I proceed to explain to him my sally sob story about how I was going through heart break. For the second time, I had real conversation. He read about all my issues and I definitely talked about myself too much. Then it was his turn. I was done explain my current situation and asked how he was doing. I did not get the response I expected. The skeletons in his closet were ones that were hard for me to even wrap my brain around. After his story of how he was where he was, we had this moment of realizing we were both broken just in different ways. We started texting everyday and those text turned into phone calls, and those phones calls turned into hour long Facetime talks. He was helping me through my sadness and insecurities and I was helping him through realizing his worth and change his course in life. 

The day came for us to actually talk in person and make this phone relationship evolve to something other than Facetime talks. It was decided that I would drive and stay the night at his house because it was late and a far drive to hang out for a couple hours and come home. On the drive there I was so nervous. I was scared that when I got there it would be awkward or that he would not be what he was on the phone. My insecurities were coming in and out. I was back in that current of living life in the moment and worrying about what could happen. This time there was no life raft. I pulled up and it was interesting to see him in person considering the last time I saw him I was 14. I came in and we talked and watched a movie and made hot coco, because it was winter and he knew from our phone conversations that making hot coco was one of my favorite things to do. I felt so comfortable and acted myself for the first time since the break up. I left the next morning and went home. On the drive home I could not believe he was able to let me talk about another guy while also some how distracting me from the feeling of crying. 

Time went on and our conversations on the phone got longer and longer until finally he moved from being so far away. Now he was only a 30 minute drive from work. We started hanging out as friends that needed the company. He made me realize that I need to get out and do things. I started calling my friends to go do things and started being myself again. I started "dating". I use the word dating lightly because creating an account on bumble and going on dates that lead to nothing but free dinners is not really dating in my opinion. I slowly stopped going on dates with other guys and turned a lot of my attention to the guy that liked me even when I was broken. I would go over to his place after work and stay there over the weekends. He was a secret that I kept from my family and friends. Not because I was worried about his skeletons ruining my reputation but more because I did not want anything to affect feeling happy for the first time. 

When I finally told my friends about him, because it was hard to explain why I would randomly go MIA, I did not tell them his real name. Instead I used his initials. That was and is who is he is to everyone. Having him as a secret made things interesting. 

He treated me the way I think I wanted to and needed to be treated considering I was getting over my ex. I was honest with not being ready or wanting a relationship, but that did not stop his feeling from growing for me. He was falling in love and I was being honest with where I stood. He surprised me with amazing gifts even though he knew I liked to give more then I liked to get. He showered me with the five love languages (quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts or service, physical touch). I was realizing that I did not need to punish myself anymore and it was not my fault that things did not work out with my ex. Things did not work out with us because we grew apart and wanted completely different things in a partner. I wanted a mature guy that was ready to settle down and choose my feeling over anything else. He was still stuck in college and partying only concerned with himself. 

My little secret and I were both in a good place with who we were, but I am not going to sugar coat anything. His issues lead to a lot of arguments and he at no fault of his own talked to me in ways that I did not deserve. He is a person that just like myself is working to continue to stay unbroken from what we were before that Facebook message. We kept up this relationship that we were pretending was not a relationship until I left the country yet again for a trip of a life time, that little did I know would change my life path again and sadly hurt him in the process.