When you have your heart broken, it becomes part of your identity. Or, at least for me it did. It flipped my world upside down. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't listen to the radio or even look at myself in the mirror at times. I remember lying on my bed at 2 a.m. thinking nothing could ever be worse than what I was feeling at that exact moment.

Then it happened.

We all have those people that we talked to at some point in our lives, whether it was for a couple weeks or several months, that we always seem to find our way back to.

This was one of those things.

He wasn't my fall-back guy or a hookup for when I had nothing better to do. In fact, he started out as someone I'd only run into every once in a while, though the friendly banter quickly turned into something more.

We got closer, and the inevitable happened. Feelings were felt. But one of us fell faster than the other and hit the ground hard.

It's no excuse, but due to my heart's condition and what I had been through already, I was not about to let some boy infiltrate the walls I had built up to guard myself. I was too scared to trust someone again and definitely too afraid to let him get to know me.

So, I kept it as casual as I could while suppressing (or denying) any and all feelings that were begging to be felt. Eventually, it burned out like all flames do when not properly tended to. If I'm being candid, I wasn't really sad to see it die. I was more comfortable living in ignorant bliss of what never emerged instead of ever allowing myself to dwell on what could have been.

It hurt so much less than having my heart broken again because there were no strings attached... or so I thought.

As fate (and karma) would have it, time lapsed and he resurfaced just as low tide set in. We began with our usual cycle that at this point had become perfunctory when I realized something felt different this time. As if there was something more than our typical going through the motions.

This feeling was new and refreshing and exciting.

Was I finally going to be able to give this relationship a chance?

My thought process was punctuated with a rather shocking exclamation that simultaneously lit up my screen and immediately dimmed my own light.

Him: "I'm on my way to pick up my girlfriend. Wyd tonight?"

Me: Read at 5:21 P.M.

This was NOT happening.

My phone went off again, only this time it was a call. From him.

I answered as cheerfully as I could.

He, being the great guy that he is and knowing me all too well, told me I didn't have to do the whole "I'm so happy for you" bit. So, I cut the crap. I told him it was silly, that I had a momentary lapse of judgment and allowed my thoughts to wander to alternate endings to the story that had been written off long ago. I laughed at how stupid I felt and prayed he wouldn't take sympathy on me and just let me grieve (or rather, beat myself up) in peace.

He took a long breath and exhaled slowly, steadily. He seemed to be collecting himself as I prepared for the pity party I had been dreading.

However, I never could have expected what came out of his mouth next.

He told me how I ruined him.

He told me how heartbroken he was when I abandoned him and his plans for our future together. He told me how he couldn't even look at another girl after me, let alone speak to them. He told me how he wrestled with accepting the fact that we would never be what he had dreamed for so long. He told me how he worked so hard to get himself over me, to erase me from his life, so he could move on and be happy.

If I had ever thought I had felt what it was like to be hurt up until that moment, boy was I wrong. It felt like daggers had been thrust into my chest. To know that I had caused someone I had cared for so deeply so much pain repulsed me. I couldn't believe that I had been selfish enough not to see that while I was so worried about not getting myself hurt again, I had ended up hurting the only one who cared about keeping me safe.

That night, I laid awake at 2 a.m. once again, thinking how I had never felt worse in my life.

Having your heart broken is awful, but having to hear the someone you care about tell you how you broke theirs is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.