My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My mental illness episodes won't last forever. I won't always be like this. If you can't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.
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Today I want you to hold me, touch me, love me. I feel silly and happy and carefree. Everything is light and hopeful and promising. My smiles come easy and I laugh without hesitation.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I have boundless energy. The sun is just a little brighter, and the troubles that were there yesterday still remain, but that’s ok. I want to walk outside with you, even though it’s raining. I want to stay up late watching our favorite movies because I feel so awake and present. There aren’t enough minutes in the day, and I don’t want to waste time.

I won’t always be like this.

I want to read new books with you, obsess over the ones we’ve read a million times, and watch our favorite guilty pleasures on tv.

I sleep through the night and dream through the day. Anything is possible, not because I believe it is, but because I have the motivation and focus and energy to face anything. If I fall, It won’t be so far that I can’t get back up.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I want to help anyone and everyone who is hurting. I want to hear about their fears, and problems, and troubles, and everyday stresses without a scale of how serious or minute. It all matters to me.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I take advantage. I know what it’s like to feel lost, reach out, and be ignored. If I can make one person feel heard, acknowledged, cared about, make them feel like they matter in this world of boundless activity that’s so easy to get swallowed up in, then I can breathe easier.

I won’t always be like this.

It’ll happen in a moment. It might happen somewhere between falling asleep a functioning human and waking up as someone who gets overwhelmed by the simple action of pulling back the covers. Of getting a bottle of water from across the room. Of looking you in the eye. Or it could happen at the smallest trigger that one part of my brain picks up on while the rest is oblivious, and follows suit, the blind leading the blind. Every human part of me that I should be able to control will be hijacked by an invisible, unrelenting force. I don’t know how long this will last.

I won’t always be like this.

Some minutes, some hours, some days, some weeks, some months. You won’t recognize me any better than I can recognize myself. My mind is at war with itself. I have no motivation to care that I have no motivation to live. I am both paralyzed by feelings I can’t grab onto fast enough to make sense of them, and numb that I don’t have any feelings at all.

I won’t always be like this.

I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want you to tell me you know. I don’t want you to give me that look that says you can see what’s happening, and you know to stay close, but far. I want you to text me that it’s ok, you’ll always be there to listen, even though I ignore you and don’t answer back.

I want both your love and space.

I want you to comfort me and leave me alone.

I want you to know that it took everything in me just to breathe today, but I don’t have the energy to speak.

And I don’t care. Sometimes I care too much. I’m as confused and whiplashed at my actions, and my thoughts, and my feelings, and my brain, and my anger, and my silent threats.

I won’t always be like this. Just know that I am still in there, waiting. Because I won’t always be like this.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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An Open Letter To The Girl Trying To Get Healthy Again

"I see you eating whatever you want and not exercising" - Pants
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Dear girl trying to get back in shape,

I know it's hard. I know the hardest thing you may do all day is walk into the gym. I know how easy it is to want to give up and go eat Chicken McNuggets, but don't do it. I know it feels like you work so hard and get no where. I know how frustrating it is to see that person across the table from you eat a Big Mac every day while you eat your carrots and still be half of your size. I know that awful feeling where you don't want to go to the gym because you know how out of shape you are. Trust me, I know.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Trying To Lose Weight In College


The important thing is you are doing something about it. I'm sure you get mad at yourself for letting your body get this out of shape, but life happens. You have made a huge accomplishment by not having a soda in over a month, and those small changes are huge. I understand how hard it is, I understand how frustrating it is to not see results and I understand why you want to give up. Being healthy and fit takes so much time. As much as I wish you could wake up the day after a good workout with the 6 pack of your dreams, that just isn't the reality. If being healthy was easy, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't feel so good when you got there.

Remember how last January your resolution was to get back in the gym and get healthy again? Think about how incredible you would look right now if you would have stuck with it. The great thing is that you can start any time, and you can prove yourself wrong.

Tired of starting over? Then don't give up.

You are only as strong as your mind. You will get there one day. Just be patient and keep working.

Nothing worth having comes easy. If you want abs more than anything, and one day you woke up with them, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as watching your body get stronger.

Mental toughness is half the battle. If you think you are strong, and believe you are strong, you will be strong. Soon, when you look back on the struggle and these hard days, you will be so thankful you didn't give up.

Don't forget that weight is just a number. What is really important is how you feel, and that you like how you look. But girl, shout out to you for working on loving your body, because that shit is hard.

To the girl trying to get healthy again, I am so proud of you. It won't be easy, it will take time. But keep working out, eating right, and just be patient. You will be amazed with what your body is capable of doing.

Cover Image Credit: Stock Snap

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Dealing With Self-Harm And Overcoming It

Mental health matters and overcoming it is possible.

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Recently, there has been a controversy over whether mental illness is a real illness or not. After dealing with depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts since I was 13, I can give my opinion that mental illness IS, in fact, an illness.

This past Monday, I reached an extensive milestone in my life. I am now one year clean of self-harm. Whenever my issue first arose, I never believed I would be able to pass it. I believed that it would be something I dealt with for the rest of my life. Mental illness is not something that you choose. It pops up out of the blue one day and takes control of your life. You let it manipulate you and take advantage of your weaknesses and hold power over you. I let it hold power over me for six years. Finally, I found the courage to break out of that manipulation and take control of my own life again.

Self-harm was a part of my routine for such a long time that I never expected it to go away. It was there in my times of sadness, my times of anger, and my times of need. I believed it to be my only source of comfort. I believed that it would solve all of my problems. In the end, I found out I was wrong. Hurting and damaging myself and leaving behind scars was not going to help me out of this state of mind, even if it felt like my only option. I had to hide underneath sweaters and jackets and cardigans for so long that I didn't want to do it anymore. Wearing long-sleeved shirts and hoodies in the dead of summer and being asked why I was wearing them never got easier. I figured the first step in starting my recovery was to stop hiding who I was and to let my scars be free.

Being free was what I decided to do. I let my scars be seen, which was completely terrifying at first. I thought that everyone around me would notice them and have something to say about me. I expected to be called a freak. Luckily, no one even noticed. That was almost comforting to me–to realize that I didn't need to hide what wouldn't be noticed. After a while, though, those closest to me took notice. They asked me "Why would you do this to yourself?" over and over again with tears in their eyes. I told them that I felt like it was my only solution to deal with all the hurt and the pain I had collected over the years. That's when I noticed I wasn't hurting just myself. That was when I decided to try becoming a happier and healthier person.

Now here I am, one year later: No self-harm, no thoughts of suicide, and feeling less depressed and anxious. I took back control of my own life. Being public about my problems was something I never believed I would do, but I realized that it actually helped me grow as a person. It was freeing to be able to share my experiences and not be embarrassed. Sure, every once in a while I had a few mental breakdowns, but I held back the "need" to harm myself to make the pain go away.

I turned to another thing to make the pain go away: My friends. I never realized how much love I had around me. I always pushed it away. I had someone to listen to me and help get me through my tough time. I didn't need to keep everything bottled up and harm myself to make it feel better. I had love and comfort–two of the strongest things in the world. I had finally started on the road to health and happiness and I wasn't making any pit stops along the way.

Mental illness occurs more often than you think and signs are being shown everywhere. If you know someone suffering, don't be afraid to reach out and give them some help or just a shoulder to cry on. If you or a person you know is having suicidal thoughts, please don't be afraid to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

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