My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My mental illness episodes won't last forever. I won't always be like this. If you can't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.
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Today I want you to hold me, touch me, love me. I feel silly and happy and carefree. Everything is light and hopeful and promising. My smiles come easy and I laugh without hesitation.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I have boundless energy. The sun is just a little brighter, and the troubles that were there yesterday still remain, but that’s ok. I want to walk outside with you, even though it’s raining. I want to stay up late watching our favorite movies because I feel so awake and present. There aren’t enough minutes in the day, and I don’t want to waste time.

I won’t always be like this.

I want to read new books with you, obsess over the ones we’ve read a million times, and watch our favorite guilty pleasures on tv.

I sleep through the night and dream through the day. Anything is possible, not because I believe it is, but because I have the motivation and focus and energy to face anything. If I fall, It won’t be so far that I can’t get back up.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I want to help anyone and everyone who is hurting. I want to hear about their fears, and problems, and troubles, and everyday stresses without a scale of how serious or minute. It all matters to me.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I take advantage. I know what it’s like to feel lost, reach out, and be ignored. If I can make one person feel heard, acknowledged, cared about, make them feel like they matter in this world of boundless activity that’s so easy to get swallowed up in, then I can breathe easier.

I won’t always be like this.

It’ll happen in a moment. It might happen somewhere between falling asleep a functioning human and waking up as someone who gets overwhelmed by the simple action of pulling back the covers. Of getting a bottle of water from across the room. Of looking you in the eye. Or it could happen at the smallest trigger that one part of my brain picks up on while the rest is oblivious, and follows suit, the blind leading the blind. Every human part of me that I should be able to control will be hijacked by an invisible, unrelenting force. I don’t know how long this will last.

I won’t always be like this.

Some minutes, some hours, some days, some weeks, some months. You won’t recognize me any better than I can recognize myself. My mind is at war with itself. I have no motivation to care that I have no motivation to live. I am both paralyzed by feelings I can’t grab onto fast enough to make sense of them, and numb that I don’t have any feelings at all.

I won’t always be like this.

I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want you to tell me you know. I don’t want you to give me that look that says you can see what’s happening, and you know to stay close, but far. I want you to text me that it’s ok, you’ll always be there to listen, even though I ignore you and don’t answer back.

I want both your love and space.

I want you to comfort me and leave me alone.

I want you to know that it took everything in me just to breathe today, but I don’t have the energy to speak.

And I don’t care. Sometimes I care too much. I’m as confused and whiplashed at my actions, and my thoughts, and my feelings, and my brain, and my anger, and my silent threats.

I won’t always be like this. Just know that I am still in there, waiting. Because I won’t always be like this.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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100 Ways To Practice Self-Care In Your Everyday Life, In 20 Minutes Or Less

Simple ways to start taking care of yourself.

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Life is overwhelming and distracting so it's easy to forget about yourself sometimes, but practicing small self-care acts is easy. Making time for yourself every day isn't selfish and is really good for your mental health. I think it's important for everyone to spend time doing things that make them happy and more calm, even if you only dedicate 20 minutes each day. Putting yourself first can lead to growth so many other aspects of your life.

Obviously, each person is allowed to practice self-care in their own unique way, but here are some ideas to get you started!

1. Do something new. 

2. Make a list of things you need to get done that week. 

3. Drink some hot tea. 

4. Go for a walk on a scenic trail.

5. Paint your nails.

6. Have a good laugh.

7. Buy yourself flowers.

8. Light a candle.

9. Do some tidying up.

10. Don't feel bad for saying 'no.'

11. Listen to music.

12. Slow down.

13. Drink a smoothie.

14. Run mindless errands.

15. Write down your goals for the week.

16. Talk to someone about the future.

17. Wake up early and get coffee. 

18. Take care of a plant. 

19. Take a bubble bath. 

20. Give yourself a compliment.

21. Give a stranger a compliment.

22. Watch a movie.

23. Put your phone down.

24. Declutter your personal space.

25. Go to bed early. 

26. Pray or meditate. 

27. Go for a drive. 

28. Make it a habit to stargaze. 

29. Read a book. 

30. Read poems. 

31. Sing loudly. 

32. Make a list of things you're grateful for. 

33. Drink a lot of water. 

34. Put on make-up for no reason.

35. Watch funny videos. 

36. Take a deep breath. 

37. Distance yourself from negativity. 

38. Unfollow people you don't care to follow on social media. 

39. Have a pajama day. 

40. Read an inspirational book. 

41. Call your parents/ loved ones. 

42. Donate old clothing. 

43. Dedicate a day out of the week to not eating meat. 

44. Do a fun craft or DIY project. 

45. Put on a face mask and relax. 

46. Do a small workout. 

47. Take a power nap. 

48. Listen to a podcast. 

49. Open a window. 

50. Open your curtains in the morning to let in natural light. 

51. Make your bed. 

52. Cook dinner instead of eating out. 

53. Play/ cuddle with an animal. 

54. At the end of the day, think of all the positive things that happened.

55. Moisturize. 

56. Buy a comforting blanket. 

57. Give someone a hug. 

58. Create a vision board. 

59. Have some alone time.

60. Enjoy the sun on your skin. 

61. Dance like nobody is watching.

62. Walk in the rain every once in a while. 

63. Drive with the windows down. 

64. Give someone a gift for no reason. 

65. Get a massage. 

66. Do something that gets your adrenaline running. 

67. Spend the day at the library or a book store. 

68. Organize your work space/ binders. 

69. Spend a weekend in. 

70. Recognize hard work and reward yourself. 

71. Sign up for a work out class. 

72. Eat lunch with a friend. 

73. Spend the day helping others. 

74. Get your hair done. 

75. Have a good cry. 

76. Use sticky notes. 

77. Color code your planner. 

78. Print out pictures and hang them up. 

79. Hang motivational quotes on your mirror and read them when you get ready. 

80. Do random acts of kindness. 

81. Buy fuzzy socks. 

82. Redecorate or rearrange furniture. 

83. Be present. 

84. Set a new years resolution. 

85. Make a bucket list. 

86. Stretch in the morning. 

87. Watch an interesting documentary. 

88. Make a music playlist.

89. Watch the sunrise or sunset. 

90. Explore somewhere new.

91. Be slow to respond to negativity. 

92. Have a game night with friends. 

93. Buy concert tickets. 

94. Have a nightly routine before bed. 

95. Eat your favorite dessert. 

96. Do something you've been putting off. 

97. Invest in essential oils. 

98. Manage your finances. 

99. Buy a new outfit. 

100. Make your own gratitude list. 

Try at least one of these every week and see how you feel! I guarantee you will notice a difference in the way you are living your life.

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Being Sick In College Is The Absolute Worst

College is hard both in health and in sickness...but especially in sickness.

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As a first semester freshman, the transition into college was hard, but there was one thing I was not prepared for at all: dealing with college when you're sick. Especially now, it's finals week, everyone is stressed out, tired, and very prone to illness. Despite my hardest efforts to stay healthy (drinking lots of water, taking vitamin C supplements, washing my hands, etc.) I still managed to catch what everyone's been throwing around, and it is the worst.

Not only do I feel incapable of going to class, since my whole body aches, I just feel like sleeping all day, which means none of the work I need to get done is getting done. This would've been difficult during any other week, but it being finals week, I have more papers and quizzes and tests to complete than ever. I'm sure many college students can relate when I say: I just wanna go hooooommmmeee!!!

On the bright side, I also have amazing friends who are helping me out. In college, since everybody's going through the same struggle, I find that there's a greater sense of family here. A friend from my English class sent me some more Emergen-C, and one of my BFFs did a CVS run for me. So although I miss my mom's homemade soup and warm hugs, I can take comfort in knowing that there are people here who care about me and want to help me get better.

So to all my fellow sickies, a few words of reassurance: We only have about a week left to go, we can totally do this!! A few exams and papers got nothin' on us, we're tough and smart and capable!! If you need to take a sick day, please do. Nothing is more important than your health and well being, not even grades. Take some medicine, sleep it off, and get stronger tomorrow! Make sure to drink lots of water, and try to eat something, even if it is just dining hall grilled cheese (Linkins Dining Center, I'm lookin' at you!) Persevere for a few more days, and we'll all be back home, chilling on the couch, and getting yelled at by our parents to do our laundry in no time.

Sending you all love and positive vibes for this finals season!

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