My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My mental illness episodes won't last forever. I won't always be like this. If you can't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.
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Today I want you to hold me, touch me, love me. I feel silly and happy and carefree. Everything is light and hopeful and promising. My smiles come easy and I laugh without hesitation.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I have boundless energy. The sun is just a little brighter, and the troubles that were there yesterday still remain, but that’s ok. I want to walk outside with you, even though it’s raining. I want to stay up late watching our favorite movies because I feel so awake and present. There aren’t enough minutes in the day, and I don’t want to waste time.

I won’t always be like this.

I want to read new books with you, obsess over the ones we’ve read a million times, and watch our favorite guilty pleasures on tv.

I sleep through the night and dream through the day. Anything is possible, not because I believe it is, but because I have the motivation and focus and energy to face anything. If I fall, It won’t be so far that I can’t get back up.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I want to help anyone and everyone who is hurting. I want to hear about their fears, and problems, and troubles, and everyday stresses without a scale of how serious or minute. It all matters to me.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I take advantage. I know what it’s like to feel lost, reach out, and be ignored. If I can make one person feel heard, acknowledged, cared about, make them feel like they matter in this world of boundless activity that’s so easy to get swallowed up in, then I can breathe easier.

I won’t always be like this.

It’ll happen in a moment. It might happen somewhere between falling asleep a functioning human and waking up as someone who gets overwhelmed by the simple action of pulling back the covers. Of getting a bottle of water from across the room. Of looking you in the eye. Or it could happen at the smallest trigger that one part of my brain picks up on while the rest is oblivious, and follows suit, the blind leading the blind. Every human part of me that I should be able to control will be hijacked by an invisible, unrelenting force. I don’t know how long this will last.

I won’t always be like this.

Some minutes, some hours, some days, some weeks, some months. You won’t recognize me any better than I can recognize myself. My mind is at war with itself. I have no motivation to care that I have no motivation to live. I am both paralyzed by feelings I can’t grab onto fast enough to make sense of them, and numb that I don’t have any feelings at all.

I won’t always be like this.

I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want you to tell me you know. I don’t want you to give me that look that says you can see what’s happening, and you know to stay close, but far. I want you to text me that it’s ok, you’ll always be there to listen, even though I ignore you and don’t answer back.

I want both your love and space.

I want you to comfort me and leave me alone.

I want you to know that it took everything in me just to breathe today, but I don’t have the energy to speak.

And I don’t care. Sometimes I care too much. I’m as confused and whiplashed at my actions, and my thoughts, and my feelings, and my brain, and my anger, and my silent threats.

I won’t always be like this. Just know that I am still in there, waiting. Because I won’t always be like this.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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My Love-Hate Relationship with Starbucks

This is my oh so wonderful experience at Starbucks during the week of midterms.

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When I usually go to Starbucks, I typically get the same type of drinks: carmel macchiato, chai tea latte, chestnut praline chai tea latte (which sadly is only a holiday drink), or a shaken black tea lemonade with light ice. However, sometimes a person just gets bored drinking the same three drinks over and over, so I thought, "Hey! lets get out of our comfort zone here pal and try something new." So I did I walked my tired stressed out self to Starbucks 10 minutes before my next class and ordered a tall cinnamon shortbread latte, I mean the description and other peoples comments about it made it sound super good.


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As I was waiting for my drink I noticed that one of the baristas was having some issues with some type of syrup, but I thought that they would refill it and then add what they need, and that one probably wasn't even mine. When they did that, I saw them get a new jug of syrup and I went back onto my phone and to try and plan how I was going to get through this midterms week.

Quick info about midterms: everyone is dead, and everyone is stressed. Us college students literally live off of caffeine during midterms week. If you're lucky like me you are at school from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m., so the caffeine is really needed.


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Now soon after I saw the new jug come, my name was called. I grabbed my drink and walked like the walking zombie I was to my next class. I went in for my first drink I was so excited to have this sweet taste of vanilla, cinnamon and coffee...but what I got was the opposite. It literally tasted like a very burnt somewhat coffee and cinnamon edible without the marijuana affects, or for the non-edible people, a very bad tasting cookie that was missing all the sugar. I was not a happy camper one bit, but I was going to drink it anyway because I payed $4 for this coffee. I struggled drinking this during my writing class because it tasted terrible, but then out of no where I got this hit of sweet — I was drinking the sweet vanilla and the sweet cinnamon part of my drink minus the majority of the coffee since I was 3/4 done with the drink. I was seriously crying on the inside because I didn't get to enjoy this drink the way I needed.


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Then the realization hit me: 1. They probably didn't add in the missing parts of the syrup once it got refilled since they suddenly got busy. 2. They did not stir that drink one bit because all the syrup was literally at the bottom of the cup. If they did these, then the problem wouldn't have happened.

This is not the first time this has happened to me having all the syrup at the bottom of the cup at a Starbucks. Its not like I am able to swish it around myself because it is full to the top and I don't want hot coffee poured or splashed on my hand. Also, most people are on-the-go while they are drinking their coffee or doing other things. I have only had this issue at Starbucks and never at any other place have I had this issue like Anthem Coffee.


So can Starbucks just agree to always mix their drinks? So that the zombie college kids during midterms have good coffee to keep them alive?


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