My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My Mental Illness Episodes Won't Last Forever And I Won't Always Be Like This

My mental illness episodes won't last forever. I won't always be like this. If you can't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.

Today I want you to hold me, touch me, love me. I feel silly and happy and carefree. Everything is light and hopeful and promising. My smiles come easy and I laugh without hesitation.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I have boundless energy. The sun is just a little brighter, and the troubles that were there yesterday still remain, but that’s ok. I want to walk outside with you, even though it’s raining. I want to stay up late watching our favorite movies because I feel so awake and present. There aren’t enough minutes in the day, and I don’t want to waste time.

I won’t always be like this.

I want to read new books with you, obsess over the ones we’ve read a million times, and watch our favorite guilty pleasures on tv.

I sleep through the night and dream through the day. Anything is possible, not because I believe it is, but because I have the motivation and focus and energy to face anything. If I fall, It won’t be so far that I can’t get back up.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I want to help anyone and everyone who is hurting. I want to hear about their fears, and problems, and troubles, and everyday stresses without a scale of how serious or minute. It all matters to me.

I won’t always be like this.

Today I take advantage. I know what it’s like to feel lost, reach out, and be ignored. If I can make one person feel heard, acknowledged, cared about, make them feel like they matter in this world of boundless activity that’s so easy to get swallowed up in, then I can breathe easier.

I won’t always be like this.

It’ll happen in a moment. It might happen somewhere between falling asleep a functioning human and waking up as someone who gets overwhelmed by the simple action of pulling back the covers. Of getting a bottle of water from across the room. Of looking you in the eye. Or it could happen at the smallest trigger that one part of my brain picks up on while the rest is oblivious, and follows suit, the blind leading the blind. Every human part of me that I should be able to control will be hijacked by an invisible, unrelenting force. I don’t know how long this will last.

I won’t always be like this.

Some minutes, some hours, some days, some weeks, some months. You won’t recognize me any better than I can recognize myself. My mind is at war with itself. I have no motivation to care that I have no motivation to live. I am both paralyzed by feelings I can’t grab onto fast enough to make sense of them, and numb that I don’t have any feelings at all.

I won’t always be like this.

I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want you to tell me you know. I don’t want you to give me that look that says you can see what’s happening, and you know to stay close, but far. I want you to text me that it’s ok, you’ll always be there to listen, even though I ignore you and don’t answer back.

I want both your love and space.

I want you to comfort me and leave me alone.

I want you to know that it took everything in me just to breathe today, but I don’t have the energy to speak.

And I don’t care. Sometimes I care too much. I’m as confused and whiplashed at my actions, and my thoughts, and my feelings, and my brain, and my anger, and my silent threats.

I won’t always be like this. Just know that I am still in there, waiting. Because I won’t always be like this.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Working Out Before Sunrise Changed My Life And My Attitude Toward Time

Whenever things aren't going my way in life, I wake up bright and early to kick life's ass.


I used to religiously work out three to four times per week. Whether I was running, kickboxing, spinning or hitting the gym with a friend, I was on it.

Working out never felt like a chore to me, but it almost always put a dent in my plans for the day. It was as if I had to make sure that I had no other commitments that day in order to get a decently long workout in.

I'm a full-time student who prefers to take showers at night so that my curls can lay the way I want them to. So every time my schedule gets a little busier than usual, I begin my slow descent into hermit land.

Not working out had a direct correlation with my mental health, as it does with a lot of people. But I simply could not fit it into my schedule. After skipping out on my weekly exercise rituals, I became easily irritable and too tired to even think about slipping on my Nikes.

Eventually, I decided that I needed to just force myself to get up and move. I began walking to work and doing simple leg raises while watching Netflix. But the little things obviously could not replace a sweaty HIT.

Then one ordinary morning in my school parking lot, my friend rolled down the window to her black Honda and yelled out, "Me and Erin are going to spin tomorrow at 5:30. Come!" Instinctively, I thought she was insane. The only thought that crossed my mind was: You'll be too tired for school if you go. Don't be stupid.

But as the day went on, I realized that I was going to be tired even if I woke up at two in the afternoon and skipped out on school. Because "tired" had become my new mindset.

My workout used to be a time in which I would completely forget any negative thoughts and just focus on myself. The sweat, pain and last few hurdles during the end of the workouts would almost be a reset button for the attitude I had about life. I missed that.

Without giving myself the opportunity to feel like a slob any further, I registered myself in the class and set an extremely early alarm for the following day. Waking up, I felt like I was heading to the airport. My eyes were sore. Heck, my entire body was sore. All I wanted to do was kick myself in the face for even attempting to wake up this early, let alone to work out.

But miraculously, when I opened my blinds and doused myself in some early morning sun, I felt a sense of ease. The fact that I was awake and ready to exercise somehow no longer felt like a chore. I slipped on some comfy clothes and chugged a cold glass of water. Before I knew it, I was at the spinning studio, cackling at some joke my friend threw into our conversation.

For those of you who have never been to a spin class, the best way I can describe it is this: a rave on steroids on wheels.

The gist is, it's loud, hot and extremely difficult (for me, at least). This class was no different. But I had so much unknown energy that I was able to blast through the class. I was able to push myself harder than I had before.

Leaving that dark, loud room, I felt a sense of accomplishment and excitement for the day to come. By the time I arrived home, it was only 6:40 a.m. and the streets were still quiet. I sat there for a minute, taking it all in and watching the leaves sway.

It gave me a sense of comfort I had not experienced in a long time. It was similar to a very successful meditation session. I loved it. I took a shower, got myself ready for the day and had a big beautiful breakfast that I prepared. I still got to school before second bell.

And yes, my body was tired. But I wasn't, not mentally at least.

I felt like I had the power to take on new challenges for that day and all the days to come. I know it sounds cliché, but it's the truth.

Obviously, I don't wake up before the sun every single day, After all, I am a student who also has a part-time job.

But whenever I'm feeling like things aren't going my way in life, I wake up bright and early to kick life's ass.

Working out before the sunrise not only gave me a new perspective on the abundance of time we actually have in a day, but it gave me a new mindset of what I was capable of accomplishing.

Plus, air drying throughout the day actually did wonders for my curls. I would highly recommend!

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