Note: I am writing this from the perspective of a straight, cis woman, because that is the perspective I best understand. I hope that those who identify differently can still find ways to apply this to their own life. If not, that's perfectly okay too!

It’s in our animalistic nature to be competitive, especially when it comes to sex. That was useful a long time ago when we needed natural selection to run its course. Now, we live in a world that needs love and compassionate behavior more than it needs competition — Especially when it comes to women’s relationships with other women.

For most of us, when we find out the man we’re interested in is interested in another woman, our first reaction is jealousy. It’s very easy for jealousy to turn into anger, which for some reason, we often direct toward the woman that we see as a “threat.”

What kinds of things do we tell ourselves that might cause this reaction in us? If we notice ourselves reacting negatively, what should we tell ourselves in order to combat it?

Here are 5 common phrases we might say to ourselves when we get jealous, and how to keep them from turning us women against each other.

1. “He’s mine.”

Except, he isn’t. The feeling of ownership in relationships is a huge feminist issue, so we should really care about this one. We have to remember that no one belongs to us, even in a committed relationship.

Remind yourself that like you, he and every woman he interacts with are individuals with a complex emotional life. Love, sex, and intimacy should be consensual, shared experiences, not acts of dominance that give you some kind of possession over the other person. If you find yourself saying or thinking “he’s mine” this could be a sign of other problematic ideologies that may need to be dealt with.

2. “Downgrade/Upgrade”

In order to make yourself feel better, you tell yourself that the new girl is a “downgrade,” or that you’re an “upgrade” from the last one. This is absolutely a defense mechanism that we use to avoid dealing with the painful things we are actually feeling. Judging that someone else is somehow “worse” than you is incredibly superficial, and is really just a surface-level distraction to keep from going any deeper

We may think that telling ourselves we are better will boost our self-esteem. Although it is much more difficult, it is actually far more effective in the healing process to recognize how beautiful and smart and capable this other woman is, and therefore celebrate her happiness along with your own.

3. “If he chooses me, I’m superior; if he chooses her, I’m inferior.”

This is the opposite of downgrade/upgrade. In this situation, instead of assuming you’re always superior, you hand the man a scale and ask him to weigh your worth. This is also where the competitive aspect becomes most apparent. Relationships are not a game. Sex is not a race. He isn’t deciding who “wins” and I guarantee you he isn’t thinking about it that way. Don’t give him so much power over you! Love her in spite of his irrelevant actions.

4. “Sloppy seconds.”

This statement is usually more directed at the man in the situation but is used as a way to imply something about the woman’s character. A person does not become less valuable as they move forward with their life. Sorry, they just don't. The important thing to remember is that we are all growing and changing, and we connect with different people based on who we are and what we need at that time. She is not you, so her relationship with him is completely different than yours is/was/would be.

5. “I’m not good enough.”

This is by far the most difficult myth to bust, because it is so deeply rooted in our insecurities. It is the least aggressive thought, and oftentimes the most dangerous. If you don’t relate to the other statements I listed, you’ve probably felt that feeling of inadequacy at least once in your life. (If not, please teach me how you did that!)

It’s so easy to feel like you aren’t good enough when someone chooses not to be around you or seemingly chooses someone else over you. This is where women supporting women becomes most important.

In order to fully appreciate ourselves, we must learn to appreciate each other, and vice versa. The fact of the matter is, what a man is looking for at any given time in their life is not a judgment of your worth. It has nothing to do with what you’re doing or who you are, and everything to do with where they are in their own personal journey.

Instead of telling yourself you’re not good enough, tell yourself you aren’t right for each other (share the responsibility) right now.

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Women, hating on each other isn’t going to get us ANYWHERE, and men shouldn’t be allowed to take our powerful feminine bond away from us. If someone tries to create competition with you, know that isn’t about you, either! It is NOT an easy task, but let’s put effort toward killing the competition. You all deserve happiness. Keep doing your thing girl!