I was speaking with a co-worker about college and college parties. I had discussed how girls often go and the whole reason that women are oftentimes let into frat parties for free is so that boys can have something to grope and fool around with. It made me so sad how little we've come and how partying and "fun" often times has to be had at the expense of another.

I want to live my life and to drink (when I'm of age) to party and to have memories that will last a lifetime, but it hurts me beyond belief to know that so often time the enjoyment or fun of a woman will only last as far as a woman allows it to stretch. There is rarely a group of women waiting behind the bar to prey on a man when he gets drunk enough so that they won't have to seek consent, but this narrative is all too common for women. It is a narrative that I have been reminded of time and time again and one that I am so painfully aware of as I step into my years as a college student.

I shouldn't be required to experience such fear. Such pain should not be demanded to be felt, but as I move into my years of adulthood I am bombarded time and time again with these facts and also with the reality that even in this Me Too era not much is really being done about it. I'm scared my fun won't ever truly be had that I will always experience fear in it, that advantage will always be taken, that angles are forever being worked at no matter who I'm with.

My trust issues are already bad, but even worse when I look at the people that so often roam campuses. I looked up parties in the college I'm going to and it was crash zooms and close-ups of the girls there as if they were the prize, eye candy of sorts. It's something I don't want to be, something I don't want to be a part of, but at the same time experiences are something I want to have, I just want to be able to have those without great fear or risk of getting hurt.

I can't remember when I sort of started feeling a fear towards men. I remember going to Vegas for New Year's and my father put his arm around me and I jumped thinking it was the drunk guy beside me. I was already scared of what men were when they don't have control over themselves. I spent a good amount of time with them growing up, my neighbor being a boy, both my brothers, playing video games with my guy friends, and my best friend is a boy, however, the fear is still there and that fear is something that not I or any other girl should ever have to go through.

There shouldn't be this unbelievable fear: this claw that is forever pulling us backward in life and time. But it remains and the silence on these issues remain as well.