Even though I am what most people would define as an artist, I still have this underlying passion towards mathematics. Ever since I can remember I was interested in mathematics and loved doing it. It was to the point where when I was entering college, I put mathematics as my intended majors, and I was even part of the math team in high school.

However, now that I am in college, I find myself somewhat drifting and even come close to dreading math class at times. I'm still excited to talk about math to the many groans of my friends, but I still don't feel that certain drive I had in high school. What happened?

At first, I blamed mental health since I was stressed out and dealt with high levels of anxiety as a first year. I also blamed my not really impeccable time management on this matter.

Yet, something else was bothering me...

Confidence

In high school, I was confident in my abilities. I used to tutor people in math because I was so confident that I could teach it. Even though I was perhaps one of the lowest scoring person on my math team, I still had the confidence to pursue more advanced math within the club because I had a belief in my skills.

When college came around and when I took my first math course in a such a setting, I noticed that perhaps I wasn't as top scoring compared to my classmates. I didn't think much of it because I blamed my time management and lack of self-study. Overall, once I got my life together, I ended the class with a fair B. This was only a recognition of ego.

Yet, next semester, I also noticed I lacked preparation.

When taking my second math course, I slowly started to stumble. The math I faced wasn't necessarily of any course I've taken before. It was filled with intimidating theorems and vocabulary. I've looked around to see my peers studying and studying to the point where my efforts didn't feel like it was ENOUGH. And in the end, it wasn't. I let my anxiety take the best of me and stop me from achieving the best. Therefore, I decided that this year in college, I'd be more proactive in my studies.

This year, however, also made me realize one more issue that was an underlying problem this whole time: representation

When I walked into my math class this year, it was mostly male other than myself and the professor. The class was also mostly white other than the two other men of color. Yet, by default, I was the only woman and woman of color within my math course other than the professor. Then, everything seemed to click.

I reflected on what representation of mathematics I had in my life. Most of my math teachers in the past were white males and white females. Other than a teacher I had in middle school and my current professor, there was no one like me, a woman of color, within math. The schools I went to before college had mostly people of color and those who came from a similar setting as my own.

In college, there were people who had similar identities to those who are in the math field. Most of the people within my field had people representing their field and, therefore, saw themselves. Therefore, they had the confidence to pursue mathematics because people like them were already in them.

Additionally, some of these people also had much more prepared for higher level education. I'm not entirely saying that my high school didn't prepare me for college because, in a way, they couldn't prepare me for any of these experiences. Yet, I still have to understand that my fellow classmates were just more prepared than I was for higher level education because of their own upbringings and identities.

All this realization made me question one thing...

This is doesn't specifically towards my woman of color within Mathematics nor STEM. This can be applied to any field where you might not feel represented. But the question: what's the point?

What's the point of trying to go into a field where you don't feel represented or welcomed? What's the point of being intimidated? What's the point?

The point is to keep going. To keep pursuing your passion. To keep loving what you're studying. Going through the intimidation and lack of representation, will, in the end, create representation. Because, that's what my current professor went through too. She went through being underrepresented and intimidated by mathematics. Now, she's inspiring me to go through this problematic process as well.

You'll do the same for someone someday.