I look forward to the holidays like no other. Between a relaxing six week vacation from school, decorating for Christmas and an abundance of festive cocktails and home cooked meals, it is needless to say that this has always been my favorite time of the year. I look forward to decompressing after finals, making new recipes to bring to family parties, and celebrating Friendsgiving with my besties - but this year, I am also incredibly anxious.

For the first time in my life, I am no longer going to be participating in my beloved holiday traditions with my family as a whole. After my parents separated earlier this year, I have had quite the struggle finding a balance between dedicating time to spend with each of them, as well as devoting extra time to spend with their respective sides of the families. For the past few months, I have felt like I have been flailing aimlessly while being pulled in many different directions. Though this is not the result of anyone "pulling" me, per say, it has become an internal obligation of mine to find and maintain said balance. Sometimes I am conscious of it, whereas other times I am not - it is simply something that I just do now. With that being said, I could not be more excited to see my holiday break so closely ahead of me, but it is also causing my stress levels to reach an all time high.

I am incredibly grateful to be so loved and supported by my parents and my family members on both sides. They have been nothing but accommodating toward me as they have watched me navigate through the most emotionally draining and challenging experience of my life. I know that they are not the ones who intend to cause me stress - it is plainly an internal battle. I look forward to spending these upcoming holidays with both sides of my family, though I cannot help but feel like I am going into this season of love and joy somewhat alone. Surely, I have plenty of friends and loved ones surrounding me, but the first time for anything is often scary and provoking - in this case, the first time splitting up my holidays. In a time that is supposed to bring cheer and a sense of togetherness, I expect to experience quite the opposite in terms of emotions. Though I will still do my best to decompress, prepare dishes and participate in family festivities, part of me cannot wait to conquer this experience. Like everything else, I can only assume these situations will get better with time.