I looked at my watch, and it was 11:30 a.m.

I looked at my watch again, and six hours had magically passed by. It was 5:30 p.m., and I'd gotten absolutely nothing done.

I spent the whole day in an apartment, which is exactly the point in combatting the Coronavirus. But why did it feel so disgusting? Why did I feel like such a waste of space?

The entire six hours were drained by me playing video games. I started to play Borderlands with my girlfriend and continued on my own. I neglected eating. I neglected basic hygiene. I neglected my phone, and I neglected everything I would normally do just because I was so absorbed into the game.

This isn't to say that video games aren't a good thing and a good distraction for people -- in fact, the WHO recently suggested playing active video games as a way to stay active during this quarantine. For most of us, video games seem like the perfect activity to be engaged with friends while maintaining our responsibility of social distancing.

But for many, for myself, playing video games is a lot more complicated. When I play video games, I can't control how absorbed I become. I can't stop at any moment. Another person's inability to stop drinking has been my historic inability to stop gaming, and I don't like the person I become that has a basic lack of self-control or the person that gets belligerent and grumpy at the mere thought of not being able to play video games.

I grew up with video games as an escape from a dysfunctional family. Right now, how I feel is exactly what might be right in the age of quarantining, social distancing, and helping stop the spread of the Coronavirus. I spent half my day at home, playing video games, not interacting with others and keeping myself occupied. I didn't go crazy. I didn't go insane. I didn't jump out the door wanting to go out because of how bored I was. I genuinely had fun.

But I spent a heavy portion of my childhood addicted to video games and using them as an escape. I played MMORPGs to the extent that I neglected my real life, and even skipped school, at times, to play video games and socialize virtually rather than in person. I want to say that I wasn't wasting my time then, and I know I wasn't. I recognized my inherent need for human connection and relationships.

Peter Suderman of Reasonadvocates that video games, in times of distress and isolation, are much more than time-wasters and distractions:

"Games are more than just empty time-wasters. In periods of pain, boredom or personal emptiness, video games can serve as palliative care for both the body and the mind."

But why does playing a video game for six hours of my life not feel like palliative care? Perhaps I associate negative outcomes with my time playing video games as a child and teenager, completely unconcerned with the problems of my life and the world just so I can play a game and get that gratification.

I'm scared. I'm scared not only because I was engaged and occupied, but because of how good I felt when I was playing Borderlands or other video games. It's like how recovering heroin addicts describe heroin -- nothing will ever make you feel as good. Nothing has ever allowed me to escape so much into another world. I love my favorite TV shows and I love my favorite books, but they don't compare to how video games can help me feel.

And so video games, to me, are dangerous. They have been ever since I've been little. Most other things I do right now, like watch TV, write, or read, feel lukewarm in comparison to the couple hours I can waste away playing Borderlands. Any other time, there would be something very wrong neglecting my personal and professional obligations playing video games instead of doing what I'm supposed to. In the upside-down world of the Coronavirus, I'm fulfilling my social obligation by staying inside and playing video games all day, social distancing and not being around people.

I know perfectly well what appeals to me so much about video games. I'm always making progress -- and it always seems so linear, not compared to how life can be like running around in circles. I get gratification instantly, whether it comes with more artificial currency or kills. I am fully in control -- no one else is.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that me struggling with my video game addiction is a very small thing. Our global task is containing the Coronavirus and making sure we stop the pandemic as much as we can. But I can't help but feel that I can be better and be an ideal version of myself if I channeled myself not into video games but into things that move me forward, not back into my childhood.

I don't have all the answers. Yes, I'm a full-blown video game addict. Is that so bad right now?