I know our relationship isn't the best now and hasn't been for awhile, but I also remember the days I didn't want to leave your side. I remember having a nightmare and climbing into your bed. When I was little, I never wanted to spend the night at a friends house because you weren't going to be there. I didn't want you to be alone.
You were always there to make me macaroni and cheese and kiss my stuffed animals goodnight when you were tucking me in. No matter the fever, nausea or strep throat, you were always there with ginger ale and a damp washcloth.
I wish we could have had one of those mother daughters dates at least once. The one where you get your nails done and maybe lunch. I wish you wouldn't have let me do every single thing I wanted. Truth is, I know I wouldn't have liked it at the time, but you would have saved me a lot of regret and heartache. At the same time though, thank you for always trusting me to make good decisions.
Then I grew up and I started to need you less, but I didn't mean that as a bad thing. You just raised me to be able to take care of myself. Now that I am an adult, I know I don't always help ease the tension and I can add fuel to the fire. I'm sure you think I try to pick fights with you and that I'm a bitch, and yes, I can be. I'm not perfect and I shouldn't expect you to be either.
I want to apologize for the plate I made you for Mother's Day one year. I'm not sorry I made it, you deserved it, and you were so sweet displaying it with pride because your daughter painted it just for you. I want to apologize for years later completely destroying it with a hammer on the kitchen floor because we were fighting about something. 10 years later, I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but I remember vindictively breaking that plate and I still regret it.
I am sorry that you feel like you can't tell me things sometimes, and don't say you don't do that because I know you do. It hurts me to know that you're not honest with me all the time, and no, eluding the truth isn't lying, but it's not being truly honest either. I am sorry if you think that if you are honest with me I will just get angry, and I can't always promise that won't happen. However, not telling me just makes things worse.
It leaves me wondering how can I distance myself even more without losing you. I already moved 650 miles away and we don't talk all of the time. How much further can I go? I have tried to convince myself that I won't care and that I won't get upset, but I can't. It's not who I am and it's not who you raised me to be.
The more I love you, want better for you, and try to help that, it seems you love me less. Maybe I need to work on how I express that and make it kinder, but maybe instead of shutting down on me, you could open up, listen and maybe just maybe something will help.
I hope we can love one another because we want to, not because you have too.