When you experience something that has never happened to you before in your entire life, how are you supposed to react to it? That's exactly how I felt a year ago when I had my first panic attack. To say I felt like myself would be a complete and utter lie: I felt anything like myself. It was like I was a prisoner trapped inside my own body who couldn't seem to find my way out. The worst part of it all was that I chose to let my anxiety control me. I let it take over me because it was a lot easier than trying to fight it. But I've grown this past year since then and I'm not letting my anxiety win anymore.
This poem was written very recently at a time when I wasn't even considering writing a poem about my experience dealing with my anxiety. But once the words started to come into my head and flow from my fingertips onto the pages of my journal, I knew it wasn't a poem I wanted to keep for myself. To all the people who have helped me find myself during this time and the ones who are still battling their inner demons, this is for you.
I Didn't Let You Win
On this day, last year
was when you first came into my life.
An uninvited guest
with no signs of leaving
as you clutched onto me,
whispering those repeated phrases of
"You're not good enough"
"No one likes you"
"You'll never amount to anything"
in my ears
until they became background music
a song I couldn't get out of my head
no matter how hard I tried to press stop.
You made me confined to my bed
the first week you arrived.
Turned my legs numb
my chest heavy
my throat tight
my heart racing
and my head dizzy.
I couldn't get up
without falling
at least, that's what you wanted
me to believe.
I dug my hole deeper,
each time you crept back in.
Until I no longer
wanted to get out.
I lost myself, the minute you found me.
You changed me until I couldn't recognize
the girl I was before.
The girl whose smile once lit up the room,
was now a frown
that blended in with the darkness.
Whose laugh that could be heard
from the other side of the room,
was now silent.
I pushed the people I loved away,
who tried to offer their help.
I locked myself in my room,
because I couldn't go outside
without thinking something bad would happen.
I blamed myself
I hated myself
but this wasn't my fault.
You did this to me.
I blame you
I hate you
you thought you had me
and for a while I believed that.
But you no longer have me in your hold.
I've let you go
I am free
farewell anxiety.
And whenever you try
to come back into my life
when my hands start to shake
I ball them up into a fist
because this won't be like those other times.
This time,
I didn't let you win.