When I'm sad I don't know what else to do. So why not write? There's this boy I have talked to on and off for a year. When we first met, I instantly had a crush on him. He was so attractive and sincere, I really did think at the time he was different. The soft words he would tell me when he was sorry, only when I realized later he said those words for his own selfish benefit. When he left, he could at least tell himself, "I wasn't a bad guy, I never led her on. She knew what it was." Just because you tell someone not to fall in love with you, or not to catch feelings or get attached, does not mean they will follow your instructions. I used to think after he left, why wasn't I enough? What did she have that I didn't? I used to think it was me that was the problem, that there was something wrong with me, maybe even I was unloveable. Months passed and I had moved on and became whole once again, with someone knew. I was finally happy and with someone who truly appreciated me. After that ended, he stepped back into my life. He came to me apologizing, telling me his intentions were pure and that he had been sorry that my feelings were hurt. I forgave him and welcomed him back into my life, without giving it another thought. We started spending a lot of time together, it had felt like we started where we left off. There was tons of sleepovers, late night breakdowns and lots of texting. I thought to myself, well maybe this time will be different. Maybe I had gotten more beautiful or he had changed his mind about me. Maybe this time I will be able to call him my boyfriend.
People don't change. People do not magically wake up one day and realize what they did eight months ago was wrong and that hurting innocent people in the middle of their own healing was not okay. People only change for who they want to change for. If I was anybody else, things would have worked out just fine. I tried to stay with him as friends because I didn't want to lose him but what I realized was that I'd rather have nobody than half of someone who had no intentions of staying. I should not have to beg you to stay, to want to be with me, to have you see the things someone else already sees in me. This whole time, I attempted to change for you, to revolve myself around you, thinking if you were mine I would feel whole again. I am free, I no longer need you to make me feel whole, to make me happy with myself. I was beautiful before you, and I will remain just as beautiful after you. Everything I saw on you was never even there, it was just a reflection of myself.