Why I Will Never Be Your 4AM Call

Why I Will Never Be Your 4AM Call

I have so much more to give than that.
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You wake up in the morning to find a text:

"I've been up all night, I miss you."

Time sent: 4:36 a.m.

Staring blankly at your phone, a thousand thoughts and memories flash across your eyes as if they are being played through an old movie projector.

You can hear the faint laughter.

You can vaguely make out the bright, flashing smiles.

You can almost feel the warmth of his strong hand intertwined with yours.

But,

None of it is real.

The laughter is gone, the smiles have vanished, and the warmth is nothing but a hoped-for reality.

As your eyes well with hot tears at the thought of once was, you realize why you will never be his 4 a.m. call, why you'll never be the girl to give your loving, longing heart to someone who wants it only when it is needed.


I am better, stronger, than I give myself credit.

I am worth so much more than I believe and someday, someone will be damn lucky to have me.

My heart is full of fiery love.

It is full of the passion to give, the passion to care, the passion to adore.

I have the ability and the desire to give so much from my heart, and that is why I won't be your 4 AM call.

I don't want to be yours only when you want me.

I don't want to be yours only when you feel like you have no one else.

I don't want to be yours only when you need a crutch.

I don't want to be yours when you only want to pick and choose what parts of me you receive.

I refuse to sell myself as less than I am, to give only pieces of myself to you.

Pieces that are better off being used toward myself

So that someday, I can give and love and care even more for someone else.

You let me go.

You cannot have the fragments of me that are still beneficial to you, while pursuing shinier, newer ones elsewhere.

This confidence that I have bestowed upon myself, while although it may be tested, will not break.

I know who I am.

I know what I want.

I know what I deserve.

And that is not serving as your 4 a.m. call.

If you're struggling, I'll be sound asleep.

If you're missing me, I'll be wrapped in my sheets.

If you're wanting a friend, I'll be off dreaming of a beautiful paradise

Because I am not that girl anymore, I'm not your girl anymore.

I will not be your 4 a.m. call because I was once you're every-second-of-the-day call, and you just can't undo something like that.

I wish you well.

I wish you the best, and I hope you find happiness

But know I am braver than you believe, stronger than I seem, and smarter than you think.

And that's why I will never be your 4 a.m. call again.



Cover Image Credit: favim

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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After 'Extremely Wicked' And 'The Stranger Beside Me,' We Now Understand The Criminal Mind Of Ted Bundy

1 hour and 50 minutes, plus 550 pages later.

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Netflix recently released a movie in May called "Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, and Vile" (2019), based on the life of Ted Bundy from his girlfriend's viewpoint.

In 1980, an author and former Seattle police officer, Ann Rule, published a book about her experience and personal, close friendship with Ted Bundy, called "The Stranger Beside Me."

These two sources together create an explosion of important information we either skim over or ignore about Ted Bundy. Watching this movie and reading this book can really open your eyes to who Ted Bundy really was. Yeah, there are the confession tapes on Netflix, too, but these other things can really tie it all into one big masterpiece of destruction.

I swear, it will blow your mind in different ways you never thought possible.

In the movie, "Extremely Wicked", Zac Efron stars as the infamous Ted Bundy, America's most notorious serial killer. He portrayed the murderer who kidnapped, killed, and raped 30 women or more. Personally, he made a great Ted Bundy, mannerisms and all. Lily Collins stars as Ted's girlfriend who was easily manipulated by Ted and believed that he was innocent for years.

The movie is told in the order that Liz, Ted's girlfriend, remembers.

In the book, "The Stranger Beside Me", Ann Rule writes about Ted Bundy, who used to be her old friend. They met while working at a crisis center in the state of Washington and were close ever since. Like Liz, Ann believed he was innocent and that he was incapable of these horrific crimes.

Ted Bundy had made both Liz and Ann fools. He easily manipulated and lied to both women about many things for years, his murders being "one" of them.

Okay, so we all know that Ted Bundy was absolutely guilty as hell and totally murdered those women. 30 women or more. He literally confessed to that, but researchers and authorities believe that number to be way higher.

But... you must know that the movie and the book tell two different stories that lead to the same ending. That's why it's so intriguing.

At one point, I couldn't stop watching the movie. Then, I bought Ann Rule's book and was completely attached to it. I couldn't put it down.

For me, Ted Bundy is interesting to me. Unlike most young girls today, I don't have a thing for him nor do I think he's cute or hot. I know that he used his charm and looks to lure women into his murderous trap. That's why it's so hard to understand why this movie and book created a new generation of women "falling in love" with Ted Bundy.

GROSS: He sodomized women with objects. He bludgeoned women with objects or his own hands. He was a necrophile. Look those up if you have not a clue of what they mean. That could change your mind about your own feelings for Ted Bundy.

After "Extremely Wicked" and "The Stranger Beside Me", I now understand the criminal mind of Ted Bundy. He was insane, but he was also smart, put together, educated, charming, and lots more. That's why I'm so interested in why his brain was the way it was.

The criminal mind is an interesting topic for me anyway, but for Ted Bundy, it was amazing to learn about.

I highly recommend both the movie and the book I quickly read in two weeks! If you want answers, they are there.

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