Lately, in watching more films, I have identified a common and done-to-death idea - and that is the untouchable first love.

In every film about teenage protagonists, we find the conflict of obtaining the person we want as an adolescent as a beautiful thing, typically working out by the end of the story. Oftentimes, social standing and reputation are blurred, showing how an atypical girl can end up with a man with some real clout (or vice versa). The broken boys that fall in love with Molly Ringwald would likely begin belittling her soon after the last scene fades out, but that part often goes ignored. I acknowledge the fiction in these films; they are meant to be exaggerated representations of life.

However, we rarely think about what happens after the fact, and the various nuances of teenage relationships that can hurt us.

It is incredibly easy to formulate the early stages (and moments) of romance into a kind of microcosm that represents the entirety of relationship. This is curated in a way so problematic and all encompassing that it drives one to ignore the fatality of their former person. It forms an entity that never really existed. This romanticization removes us from reality - and while many people see that as a good thing, it eventually only hinders the ability to cope with future relationships. While many retrospective thoughts are often cushioned in order to shield us from pain, a simple act of dissonance, it is important to be honest with ourselves concerning the people we once cared for (or continue to care for). These formative moments I speak of, while lovely in isolation, inhibit the holistic vision of another person.

This is both unfair to our own mental health and the dignity of growth of someone else.

Especially as time fleets and that person isn’t as present in your thoughts anymore, many negative pieces of them fall away, and the memories bring about a fragmented view of something we may not want to see as inherently good and romantic. We often look fondly upon firsts - they are milestones in development, but the first of anything will likely be the unsuccessful. Hence, why most people don’t end up with their first love. Unfortunately, the idea is over inflated in various forms of media: hurled at us are the short lived moments of excitement that generally end within a few short months.

The important thing is to acknowledge both young relationships of the innocent type and harmful type. This is what media fails to do, in placing deeply flawed characters in intense situations that would never work in real life. Hardly portrayed until recently is the emotional abuse that arises in many young relationships, due to the lack of maturity or deep seated struggles of teenagers with mental health problems or bad family conditions. Those problems do not disappear when people are involved romantically. In fact, they are amplified as a means to cope with the intensity that comes along with a type of relationship they have never known before.

While we love people as much as we are capable, the fact is, most adolescent relationships don’t have two parties that are able to feel or convey enough emotion to both carry themself and give adequate love to another person. That is a difficult thing to accept at a point in time, but ultimately, okay. The problem with relationships is they either end or continue forever, both outcomes being fraught with a lot of pain and contemplation.

There is an undeniable beauty in your first love.

However, it is important to look back on it with some realism, acknowledging why the relationship began, but also, why it had to end. If media began portraying these connections with a bit more depth, there would be less of a tendency to over inflate the good and ignore the bad. When we only remember the good, it can separate us from reality and weaken the constant evolution of our character. While we shouldn’t ignore the great things that come along with loving someone else, we should never veil ourselves from the entirety of another person and their ability to hurt us. Take that knowledge and move forward with a better ability to love yourself and other people, compensating for the deficit of feeling in the last person. It will heal you.