For years I've questioned myself. Why do I think this way? Why do I feel this way? Why am I doing all these things? I know, it all seem rather basic, but that's only until you hear what it is that I'm thinking, or feeling, or doing. Many of my thoughts, emotions, and actions have been questionable to me.
On a day-to-day basis, my mind becomes overwhelmed with a countless amount of thoughts. When I first visited the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD, I described it as thoughts all rushing and scrambled in my head. If someone asked me what I was thinking on a day where I didn’t take my amphetamine, I genuinely wouldn’t be able to tell them. It's not that I don’t want to; it's just that the only thoughts that I can pull out from the bunch are negative ones pertaining to my suicidal ideation, dying in general, or the impulsive actions that I'm refraining from acting on.
Another reason would be because I simply don't know. Due to my racing thoughts, there are times where I don't even know what I'm thinking. So then there's that question, what is wrong with me? Yes, I know I have ADHD but that isn't enough reason for me. It could explain how I think if we were discussing why I have racing thoughts but what about the thoughts themselves? What is so wrong with me that most of my thoughts that come to light are negative? I live a very satisfying life with a number of people that love and care for me, so I can't put my finger on why I'm not overwhelmed with thoughts pertaining to that. I've been told that as a human being we are in control of how we think or feel. Psychology has taught me that sometimes that isn't the case. Either way, I'll still be unsure about my ability to actually control my thoughts.
My thoughts and emotions fall under very similar categories. I have many emotions and moods just like any other person. However, I have a lengthy amount of mood swings in a day. Sometimes my emotions or moods are indescribable just like my thoughts. It's strange how one can feel happy, sad, and angry all at once. To say you're happy and sad sounds incredibly contradicting. To say you don’t know how you feel is strange. I'd like to think that I'm happy but if I had to look deep down and be honest with myself I'm probably not.
I'm a very bubbly person. When I go outside I smile at people on the street, when I'm asked how I've been my response is always "I'm great," but many times when I'm home I'm crying or have the desire to cry. When I was diagnosed with depression two years ago, I decided to go on antidepressants thinking they'd be this magical fix to my unhappiness then. Antidepressants are not happy pills, sadly to say. They help you get up and go but it wasn’t my magical fix. Of course, I'm nowhere near where I was two years ago, I've been in a much better place; so why haven't I felt genuine happiness? What is wrong with me?
My actions are completely different from my emotions and thoughts but at the same time, they might go hand in hand. Since I was young I always enjoyed being the helper. I help whenever I possibly can; I "give" myself to people whenever they need me. It's never really bothered me because I enjoy it. As I've gotten older, I constantly think about how I'm walking miles for people that wouldn't even cross a street for me and wondering what is wrong with me. Does that mean there's something wrong with me? I always thought it was wrong to measure the amount that people give to you but at the same time it would be nice if the amount that I put in could somehow be reciprocated. It's not that I want a hand for a hand but I'd like to have some proof that one would do for me as much as I do for them.
Maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe there isn't. It's just something that I'll always ask myself. If only our thoughts and emotions could actually speak for themselves, I probably wouldn't have this struggle.