Love is difficult. There are so many ups and downs. I was talking to someone today and they said that you will always love your first love. I didn't want to believe it, but it is true. You will always have a place in my heart, tucked away where I only feel it on my darkest days. Today is one of those days, and I cannot stop thinking about everything that went wrong. I can't stop playing it over and over trying to find something that I could have done differently or if we could ever make it work again. I will always cherish the amazing memories that we have, but I need to be vulnerable about the bad stuff. The fighting, the mistakes. I need to face it.

I remember when we started fighting. I remember when we drove all the way home from target silent because of a fight that we just had. To this day I do not remember why we fought, it was that childish. I just remember the knot in my stomach that kept crawling up. It just kept climbing and climbing until I felt it in the back of my throat. We were in bed, silent next to each other. I wanted to run, I wanted out. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Maybe I could just leave; just go home and cry silently in bed with my cat or get in my car and just drive. Long drives are soothing to me, especially at night. I just wanted to stop the inevitable. I should have spoken though, I should have mended everything before we went to sleep. I knew that if we talked that I would break down because that was the moment that I knew it wasn't going to last. I was in love with you, but this was not meant to last.

I remember the night when we went out to the bars with my friends. They were drunk when we arrived, we were sober. A recipe for disaster since those friends had been telling me for a while that they didn't like you. They didn't like the person I was with you. You fought with them that day, and then kept drinking which made it worse. I could feel myself getting smaller and smaller. I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to slowly melt into the seat and disappear because I knew this fighting was happening because of me. I could feel the tear between us grow just a little bit more. I should have said something that night. You complained about my friends after we got home. I hated it, I just wanted you to stop. My friends are amazing people and I will always choose them over you now. But that day, I chose you. I didn't stand up for them, and I am sorry for that. I wanted to hate you I did. I know that I couldn't even if I wanted to.

The first fight we had, the one that started it all, was all my fault. I will take the blame. We went to my friend's place to have dinners and drinks. I lost control, went beyond drunk. I am sorry. My anxiety was in full gear because I wanted you to have a good time so I numbed it with alcohol. Again, I am sorry for this. We laughed about it when we met up recently, but it still hurts. I can't laugh about it. The funny thing is that when we got home and I started throwing up, you were there. You rubbed my back and got me water, a blanket and pillow. I cried. I didn't deserve that. I drove us there and still went too far. Why were you so nice to me? We didn't talk about it until morning, so I honestly had no idea how much I messed up that night. You told me that you didn't have a good time, that it was weird being asked questions about how we were going to make it work long term since we were with two couples that were both long term. When you told me that, I felt it. I felt the relationship we had built start to crumble; the first brick fell. Thinking about it triggers the knot in my stomach, and the lump in my throat. It sucks.

I will never hate you, I couldn't. I will always love you. I just hate the way you hurt me and the way I hurt you. I know that it will never work out, and I don't want it to. The worst part is that if you did come back, if you wanted to start again, I would. I would try again because I can't stop. When I drink, my mind goes to you. I ended my heavy drinking with you. I don't usually drink alone, but when i do, it reminds me of you. I miss you. I know I said that I would block you on all social media, but I was afraid that if I did that, I would be removing the chance of us ever happening again. I didn't want that. I chickened out. I am drinking now, and all I want to do it text you and fix it all. I want to try again. We recently connected over something I had written. I hurt you, in a good way I suppose. You learned about things that I had never told you or anyone; I was vulnerable. It really sucked, but I, and I hate myself for this, was happy to hear from you. I wanted it to continue, but I knew better. My heart skipped a beat every time I had a text from you. But. There was a message that you sent on facebook that said "I honestly thought about getting back together and almost came back up. I honestly don't know why I didn't." That shit hurt. It re-broke me. There was a chance. It could have happened. We talked for a couple weeks after we met up 3 months ago, and your sister even messaged me. I knew you had talked to her about me, I thought it meant something. After all, it did, but there was something in you that told you no. It is ok though, it was for the best. In the morning, I woke up to a response from you and it was a simple response with no reply necessary. I knew that you were over it and it was done. I had to be ok with it. I have to be ok with it. I need to convince myself.

This new chapter in my life is about figuring out who I am. I started dating again. I will get heart broken again, I know that. I just hope it is not like the heartbreak I felt with you. I hope no one ever feels like that; I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. But I will always have that voice in the back of my mind that tells me what if? What if it did work out? What if we were still dating, coming up on a year? It hurts, I would love to have that. I long to have someone stable. I want someone that I can cuddle with at night and have deep, vulnerable conversations. And I will find that eventually. I have been trying to remind myself that I deserve that and I will find that. I am worthy of love, even when right now it doesn't feel like that.

Thank you for showing me that I am worth of love from the right person.