I believe we all have a person that has been both the best and the worst thing that ever happened to us.

I met mine when I was 16 years old. Almost three years later, I still struggle with whether or not that person is a positive presence in my life. A year ago, I believed that we were meant to be together, but if there's one thing I've learned in these 365 days, it's that God has a real knack for letting us know that we do not have everything figured out.

Often I think about the idea of circumstance. Really, it was circumstance that brought us together in the summer of 2013, and since then, neither circumstance nor my fickle heart have been kind to my hard head, which has been hell-bent on getting away. I've always been a person who valued things that made sense-- nothing about her made sense-- and so I ran away, and then I ran back, and then I ran again.

I suppose that at some points, nothing about me makes sense either.

Fast forward several months, and life continues to throw curveballs my way. Time and time again, situations arise that put this person back in front of me, whether it be by way of myself, another person, or one of the many circles we've got in common. I used to look these situations in the eye, testing myself and hoping to be bigger and stronger and more immune than the last time.

I am not. Not bigger than my own feelings. I'm not stronger than something as strong as a first love, and I'm also not immune to human emotion or weakness.

I am human, and I'm finally recognizing that I do not have to deal with situations that make me unhappy. I'm realizing that it's okay to walk away.

Like I said-- I've always been a person who values things that make sense, and things that make sense are balanced, patient and kind.

You are not any of these things.

I believe a large part of my personal struggle with you stems from this fact that I can't make sense of you. For a long time, I have obsessed and calculated and analyzed, and in short, I'm tired of doing that now. I shouldn't be forced to spend time worrying, no matter the principle or how much it takes out of me to admit defeat in these situations.

I'm realizing that it's okay to walk away. I'm out. And this time, I won't be guilted for making that decision, because this is my life to live. If you choose to live your own life without me, you don't deserve my thoughts or my patience.

One of my favorite quotes comes from one of my favorite books, "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close."

I thought, it's a shame that we only get to live one life, because if I'd had two lives, I would have spent one of them with her.

I've only got one life, and as much as I would have wished to spend it with you, I will not.

If you asked me a year ago, I would have thought you to be the one that got away. Today, I realize that I, too, got away from you.

And I wish you well, but I'm letting go.

All the best,

G