Here's my biggest downfall in terms of dating.
I get bored.
I don't mean to sound rude, but truthfully, so many people in this world bore me- and I promise, I'm not hard to impress. I'm a curious person, though. I initiate conversation with strangers on the train, people in the grocery store - everyone - because I have a natural tendency to explore what makes people who they are. In my conversations with strangers and with many individuals already in my life, I've found that so many people nowadays are so surface-level that getting to know them becomes exhausting. I often find myself putting in so much time and energy trying to learn about them when so many of these people don't have much substance to them.
Okay, that was a little harsh.
What I meant to say is that so many people are interested in having mediocre conversations that don't make me feel anything- that don't make me feel alive. And they simply lack the boldness to open up and allow for deeper connections to be made.
I ask a lot of questions. I want to know about your childhood, your favorite music, the things that have happened in your life that made you who you are. I want to know what you believe in, what you would do if you had all the time and money in the world, what you are passionate about, and who you admire. I want to know your favorite food, and how you got that huge scar on your knee, and I want to know your biggest regrets. I want you to answer these questions honestly and not just tell me what you think I want to hear. I want you to be vulnerable and authentic, maybe even disturbingly straightforward. I want to know the real you. I want to know who you are, and not who you pretend to be.
I want you to let your guard down. I want you to be comfortable, and I want to be able to goof off with you without reservation. I want to say what I am feeling right when I'm feeling it, and not fear any judgment. I want to have open and honest communication, and I want you to cherish and honor my commitment to who I am.
I want you to appreciate my authenticity in such a fabricated world- a world where it's easier to be someone you're not and just "go with the flow," rather than being who you truly are, and going against the grain. I want my honesty and the way I know myself so deeply to gently urge you to let your guard down.
But you know what the problem is? So many people are unwilling to be vulnerable. So many people have been judged their whole lives, they are afraid to open up and be themselves- if they've even figured out who that is yet. And I find that by the time they realize that I'm welcoming their authenticity - their true self - with open arms, my mind has already recognized their unwillingness to open up, and that's when I shut down.
My brain calls this rejection, when in reality, that's not what it is at all. It's hesitance. And the weird part is that I sympathize with you because I know being vulnerable is hard, but I grow tired of trying to get you to open up, and I get bored. I move on, and it never sits right in my stomach because I'll never know what could have been.
I want connection. I want you to set me on fire. I want to feel alive with you. I want you to get my blood pumping, and I want to know your story. I don't want to compromise who I am in order to get to know you. I want someone who matches my spontaneity and complements my complexity.
"A lot of nothings disguised as people will try to make you like them, but do not shrink.
do not become small for something so small just because it is easy.
You have a responsibility to remain hungry,
vast and rippling,
alarming and strange.
Do not abandon all the grandness you'll become..."
- Rupi Kaur