Taking a year off blows. It wasn’t a part of my plan. Even when it is a part of the plan, it’s hard for me to see the advantageous side of it all. I took a gap year to work; since going to school is essentially a resume killer, it looked like I needed the time to build up my work experience, even if my plan was to take a direct shot to graduate school.

I have a lot of qualms with the way education and higher education function in this country; our government — Republicans in government — do an incredible disservice to young people by by attacking their education. When universities prioritize the business aspect of their institutions, education becomes a consumer product, and the system becomes rigged to keep students as long as possible, to maintain the money coming in as long as possible. Academic advising falls to the wayside, advising students gets rid of them faster. Politics aside, I still do not recommend taking a year off from school.

It took me six years to complete my Bachelors – I changed schools three times, and I changed my major three times, though, realistically, it should’ve taken me longer. Academic advising failed me. The first few years of my higher education was framed in consumerism, my failures were the university’s successes – they got more money. Determined to go straight into my Master’s program, my plan was disrupted because I decided to wait out my favorite school and hope to get taken off the waitlist. Fine. But that is not my advice to you.

I spent a year working in a law firm – yes, gaining experience in the “real world” and yes, forgetting almost everything that I learned in my undergrad. Not actually, but it sure as hell feels like it. Disengaged from discourse. Letting pieces of knowledge and insight slip through the cracks. Wondering where words have wisdom, because my words are gone.

I’m not saying that this is every person’s experience with a gap year, but for students like me, I’m sure you feel my pain. I am disappointed in the books I haven’t read. I am terrified that I won’t be able to pick up where I left off. I truly enjoy school, and there are directions that I could go in my life that would leave me completely happy with making a life out of being in school. Whether that be teaching, or that I am never satisfied with the various degrees that I have, I love constantly being in the environment where you are continuously learning from everyone around you.

When you dedicate four years of your life to learning literary theory and two years previous to learning the philosophy of teaching, when you’ve accumulated as much student loan debt as I have from the rigged consumer culture of higher education, to feel as if you are starting from scratch in your Master’s program is frustrating. Frustrating in the sense that maybe I could’ve avoided this feeling of being unprepared for the task ahead. Frustrating in the sense that I was a pawn that played the game of my undergraduate exactly how the system of higher education wanted me to.

My gap year did come with a silver lining – waiting meant that my dream school decided that I am worth giving an assistantship position to. I will teach English 101, have my own students, attend class, all while Western Washington University foots the bill. I am back on track, back on my path, but nervous that my year in between will put me at a disadvantage.

I have high expectations for myself. I’m not afraid of failure. I do not accept failure.