Be friendly with others. Talk nicely with others. Look down when speaking to an adult. Forgive people countless times because they are oblivious. Be like Gandhi.

I am unsure if you have heard these phrases as often as I have. Don't get me wrong, my parents raised me with values and a mentality that lets me forgive the most undeserving of people...but that doesn't mean just anyone is allowed to step on me.

From early on, I distanced myself because of one strong friendship I had with someone. But after entering high school, I met such humble, selfless, and respectful people. The funny thing is, I'm a sophomore in college right now--and I only talk to a few people from high school.

That doesn't mean my other friendships in high school ended. We are all in different places right now, but deep down inside, we are sure that the same friendship that bloomed in those four years is still alive, and that we'd always remember each other in good memories.

High school was the turning point in my life because I allowed myself to fall, pick myself up, and treat scars instead of hiding them. Although I can give myself credit, I changed as a person because of the influential people I came across in high school.

One friend of mine taught me that I should learn how to look people in the eyes, as I have nothing to be unconfident or afraid of. I had known her since my freshman year of high school yet she had told me this two years later--after she learned of my personality and fear of getting too close with people. She was patient and understanding in the words that fell out of her mouth like honey. Not everyone is like that. To this day, she might not know of her significance in my life. She may also think that we're just old high school buds. But to me, she will always be the first teacher of my life.

The truth is, some people come into your life to teach you new things or a lesson. Some come to pass time, while some come to stay. I promised myself to never get too close. Although I may not have too many close friends, I do have one person that has never broken my trust, has never hurt me, has always listened to me regardless of what's going on in their life--a friend who deserves the relationship "sister" instead.

My voice teachers and friends in the vocal department slowly helped me become more respectful and admiral of my talents and passions. My voice became louder, clearer, and less shaky. What happened to me? I had a dream that night, and it was one where I performed Caldara's Sebben Crudele quite perfectly. It was this piece that did not just change me as a musician, but also as a person.

I never woke up thinking "Wow, I have changed so drastically!" It actually doesn't work that way. Surprisingly, I recently realized that I, in fact, have changed for the better. On Saturday when I attended a writers' gala, I began small talk with a girl around my age, asking her about the nearest train station. Moments later, I found her laughing and cracking jokes with me as if I were a long lost friend of her's.

That's when it clicked.

I indeed am shy and closed off on the outside, but that is because everyone I have ever given a piece of my attention, love, or respect to has shut me down. My dad's overused phrase "You come into this world alone, and you die alone" suddenly surfs my mind to the point where I am sure, completely sure that he has faced something so similar to what I have faced.

No matter how much I try, I can never be the heartless person I so desperately want to be; it's part of what makes me, me.

I distanced myself from you early on, actually. I let our friendship take heights, fall off of those heights, and I gave you time to grow and learn--something not every friend does. Because let's face it, there are not too many people who will care about you these days. I am so numb to emotions at this point in my life, where nothing breaks me anymore.

This is exactly what I (14-year-old me) wanted to be at 19. A person who finally realized self-worth and did one thing for herself selfishly. What is the meaning behind a friendship where one doesn't trust the other--a person they met years ago and know so well--versus a couple of garrulous mouths that have always been outsiders in said friendship?

And this is exactly why, I tell myself repeatedly, distanced myself from all of you the first day I met you. I have a good eye for cunning smiles that scream "I want to ruin you because you have things I lack." I just don't take action because that would be a waste of my time and patience.

I distanced myself from people because I realized that you had to do nothing, literally nothing wrong in order to have people to dislike you. Wherever you go, there will always be at least one person striving to gain your attention and powerful emotions (i.e. hatred). It is solely the feeling of indifference that bothers them even more. People look at me weirdly when I hold in my emotions and stop myself from reacting.

No, I am not gullible, naive, or forgiving. I am self-aware; aware of my goals and wants in life that have nothing to do with stirring up situations and making it worse for myself. I'd rather just let people feed themselves breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner with my name in it than to react negatively and give them an actual reason to ruin me.

Lastly, the worst part of all of this is self-blame. If you are truly a logical person, you will analyze the situation and fish around with perspectives to conclude a reasonable and unbiased opinion on said situation. I personally tend to seek the truth rather than play the victim card.

That being said, I am no Gandhi, Mandela, or saint. I have countless flaws because I am human. And because I am human and have evolved into a person with self-respect and greater self-esteem, I will be perfectly fine with this distance between us, because that is what my soul wants too.