People used to say that movies created unrealistic expectations for relationships, but I think that online articles have taken it to a whole new level. It seems like you can’t go online without seeing an article saying, “Things You Deserve in a Man” or “10 Things all Healthy Couples Should be able to Say to One Another,” or “Things That Will Make You More Attractive To Your Man." You know the type. Well, I’m here to call BS.

These articles do not help your relationship; these articles give you unrealistic expectations of what being in a relationship is like. No two relationships are the same, and to look at an online article that someone wrote saying this is how your relationship should look (and if it doesn’t, it's wrong) is not doing anyone any favors. It’s like going on a Web M.D. when you’re sick with a cold. By the time you’re done reading your diagnosis, you’re convinced that you’re going to die of the Bubonic Plague.

Reading articles like these make you compare your relationship to someone else’s. You’re taking that person’s word for what works for them and their partner and thinking, why doesn’t my partner post cute pictures of me and call me bae? Why doesn’t my partner text me good morning beautiful or Man Crush Monday me? You start to focus on all of the things that don’t happen in your relationship, and you forget all of the cute things that you and your significant other have together that those people don’t.

Even if you just read these articles out of curiosity, they’re still there in the back of your mind. And when you’re least expecting it, all of the “advice” you’ve gotten from casually scrolling through article after article will start to manifest. Even if you don’t intend to, eventually you will compare your relationship to one that you don’t even know. It’s really easy to look at all of the good examples, but you don’t know the entire context of the relationship that you’re being told to emulate. The guy who surprised his girlfriend with Chipotle and flowers could be the same guy in the next article who screwed up and texted the wrong girlfriend. But we don’t get the bad, we only get the good, and that’s not reality because no relationship is perfect.

Having a good relationship doesn’t mean the same thing for every couple. It’s pretty shallow to say if you don’t say these 10 things, you and your partner aren’t in a healthy relationship. Having a good and healthy relationship is different for everyone. Yeah, there are good parts and bad parts, and you have to work at it an awful lot, but having a good relationship is finding someone that makes you want to work at it. Having a good relationship is finding someone that wants to work at it with you. It’s having someone that isn’t perfect, but that makes them even better. It’s not things that you deserve, a list of things that you say, or things that you can do to make yourself more attractive. That’s not what being in a relationship should come down to. So before you click that article and read more relationship goals and unachievable things to shoot for, think about the relationship you’re already in. Think about what the two of you share that makes it so great.