Who's Your Number One?

Who's Your Number One?

"You feel like you don't feel like anyone's number one person. Is that true?"


"You feel like you don't feel like anyone's number one person. Is that true?"

I value deep friendships. As a proud INFP, I'd much rather talk about profound and valuable subject matters rather than the trivial and endlessly repetitive small talk that I feel that I engage in with new people I meet. All my friends will second that my go-to get-to-know-you question is what's your favorite part about life rather than what dorm do you live in. The reason for this is simple: the vulnerability that people employ in deep friendships allows me to connect with people I thought I could never empathize with, in a way that a few surface-level exchanged sentences can never permit.

I value deep friendships. Yet the text I received that sunny Saturday afternoon on the way back has made me question my relationships ever since.

Surely, after all the value I place on friendship, I must be someone's number one. I quickly go through the list of people I have developed deep and meaningful connections with since arriving at Emory, before realizing that each of them has someone they are closer to that is not me. Meanwhile, the majority of my school friends have moved on to new adventures, leaving our friendships to gently fade into a high school haze. Does my Mom count? I wonder fleetingly, remembering all of our phone conversations – but she has three of us kids to look after.

This certainly isn't the first time my lack of finding my "number one" has gotten to my head. First semester, it seemed that I was constantly questioning why every single person I met had found someone that they had clicked with instantly, and why that person wasn't me. The seed of constant comparison to others was sown in my life, to the point that I interacted with my friends from a place of bitterness and sorrow. Watching sorrowfully as my closest friend become closer and closer to another friend. Observing wryly how two other close friends could already share a plethora of inside jokes and memories that I was somehow no part of. Browsing aimlessly through social media to see all my other friends and friends-of-friends who were having the most phenomenal time in college—without me. Acting as the wallflower in each of my relationships, simultaneously begrudging others for developing best friendships and being too scared to make the first move.

Yet as was often the case during my first semester, I needed to focus on all the blessings I already had rather than the one aspect I thought I was missing. Why would I need a single person to fill up the void of friendship in my life when I have a network of people that I can count on in all circumstances? I have spontaneous-adventure friends and mug-cake-and-Netflix friends. I have let's-explore-campus friends and let's-just-go-to-the-Duc friends. I have life-is-good friends and shoulder-to-cry-on friends. I have mentors, residential staff, hallmates and study buddies.

Not having to rely on a singular "number one" means that when there's a piece of good news – getting that job I really wanted or earning that A I worked so hard for – I find myself telling a plethora of people from Emory and beyond that I know will rejoice with me. Although every single person on their list may have someone that they are closer with, that doesn't mean that they don't care for me. Each friend values me as a person they can be vulnerable with, regardless of whether we're besties or not.

So, maybe I'm still in search of that number one. But maybe having someone I can rely on no matter what isn't necessary, as I already have found so many people who will make it their priority to be there for me in both joy and sorrow. Although I don't have that one shoulder to cry on just yet, I am certain that, when challenges come my way, I have a whole army standing behind me.

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If You've Ever Been Called Overly-Emotional Or Too Sensitive, This Is For You

Despite what they have told you, it's a gift.

Emotional: a word used often nowadays to insult someone for their sensitivity towards a multitude of things.

If you cry happy tears, you're emotional. If you express (even if it's in a healthy way) that something is bothering you, you're sensitive. If your hormones are in a funk and you just happen to be sad one day, you're emotional AND sensitive.

Let me tell you something that goes against everything people have probably ever told you. Being emotional and being sensitive are very, very good things. It's a gift. Your ability to empathize, sympathize, and sensitize yourself to your own situation and to others' situations is a true gift that many people don't possess, therefore many people do not understand.

Never let someone's negativity toward this gift of yours get you down. We are all guilty of bashing something that is unfamiliar to us: something that is different. But take pride in knowing God granted this special gift to you because He believes you will use it to make a difference someday, somehow.

This gift of yours was meant to be utilized. It would not be a part of you if you were not meant to use it. Because of this gift, you will change someone's life someday. You might be the only person that takes a little extra time to listen to someone's struggle when the rest of the world turns their backs.

In a world where a six-figure income is a significant determinant in the career someone pursues, you might be one of the few who decides to donate your time for no income at all. You might be the first friend someone thinks to call when they get good news, simply because they know you will be happy for them. You might be an incredible mother who takes too much time to nurture and raise beautiful children who will one day change the world.

To feel everything with every single part of your being is a truly wonderful thing. You love harder. You smile bigger. You feel more. What a beautiful thing! Could you imagine being the opposite of these things? Insensitive and emotionless?? Both are unhealthy, both aren't nearly as satisfying, and neither will get you anywhere worth going in life.

Imagine how much richer your life is because you love other's so hard. It might mean more heartache, but the reward is always worth the risk. Imagine how much richer your life is because you are overly appreciative of the beauty a simple sunset brings. Imagine how much richer your life is because you can be moved to tears by the lessons of someone else's story.

Embrace every part of who you are and be just that 100%. There will be people who criticize you for the size of your heart. Feel sorry for them. There are people who are dishonest. There are people who are manipulative. There are people who are downright malicious. And the one thing people say to put you down is "you feel too much." Hmm...

Sounds like more of a compliment to me. Just sayin'.

Cover Image Credit: We Heart It

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Buying New Clothes Every Month Has Been The Key To Helping Me Become Happy With My Body Again

Loving my body in new outfits has boosted my self image so much.


Being body-positive has been really hard for me to do throughout 2019, despite there being an overwhelming surge in body-positivity around me, whether through my friends and family or YouTube. I look in the mirror and what I see is someone I want to make a jean size or two smaller like in the past. That being said, I've slowly been coming around to accepting the body I have now, instead of bashing it constantly. A key way I've come to accept the body I'm in now is through buying myself something new every month, like a new T-shirt or a pair of jeans or sneakers that help me see myself in a positive light. When I'm in a new outfit, I feel invincible. I don't think about how pudgy my stomach is, or about the hair I have growing in random places, like my neck or on my nose (yes, not just in, but ON too).

My bank account tends to suffer as of recently because of this, but it's worth it when I can genuinely feel good in what I am wearing every day. I like to wake up and think about how many outfits I can put together, ready to post my #OOTD for Snapchat without caring what anyone thinks. I've let social media dictate how I feel about myself more than I care to admit. I see how perfect all the models are in everything they're wearing from brands I know and love, yet when I try the same thing on, it's a whole different ugly story.

I don't enjoy trying things on to avoid the shame I feel when things don't fit me right, or if something that I thought would flatter me actually makes me look like a sack of potatoes. Instagram has really hurt my body image a lot — enough to make me delete it for a week after one post sent me spiraling. Going through those bumps made me finally realize it's not my fault if something doesn't fit. Sizes range depending on the item, it's the clothing items fault, not mine. Now that I see that, it's easier to brush off something not fitting me as it should. I know my size very well in the stores I frequent the most, so it's easier for me to pick out things I know will look good and not have to worry about the sizing issue.

Buying yourself something new is not something you should limit to every few months or longer. You shouldn't be afraid to go out of your comfort zone price wise every once and a while either. Coupons exist, stories always offer you them when you first sign up to receive emails and even texts. You can be crafty and still get a high price item for less. If you treat yourself to cheap things, you won't feel half as good as you want to. Granted, sticking to a limit is important but there's no shame in going over the limit every once and a while.

I love shopping as much as I love country music and writing short stories — a lot. Yes, I get yelled at almost every time I get something new. I need to save my money for important things, like for my sorority or for medical issues that could suddenly arise, or for utilities at my house next year off campus.

However, my mental well-being is not something I can ignore.

I can't push the good feelings aside to save 30 or 40 bucks a month. I don't want to feel as low as I've felt about myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling sad or angry at who I am, and I want to learn how to accept myself as I am. Buying myself something new, like clothes, is what offers a positive light to view myself under.

Whether you treat yourself to dinner at your favorite restaurant, or to face masks, or to a new movie when it comes out — don't be afraid to do it. Put yourself first and you'll realize your worth and how much you've been ignoring it in the face of poor confidence.

My confidence isn't back up to where it used to be, but it's getting there.

It may not be the most cash efficient method of self-love, but my body positivity is better than it was a few months ago. Aerie and American Eagle have really helped me become happier with my body, and I can't thank them enough for being more inclusive for people like me who are learning to love themselves again in a new body.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us hoping to promote our own body positivity, and it could all start with a simple purchase from your favorite store after you read this.

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