If my memory serves me right, one year ago I was feeling the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I slept in between crippling panic attacks, I vomited daily before classes, I was unhappy and lost; I couldn't see the light of my very, very, dark tunnel. No matter how much I tried, I could not find myself underneath the demons who were threatening to swallow me whole.
I moved from my small town in Ohio to college without much transition. Sure, I did orientations and was about as prepared as I could be. But nothing was able to prepare me for the shock of leaving behind everything I had ever known. What can you say to comfort someone who one day is home watching movies with their parents and the next is sleeping in a room one hundred miles away?
I still consider myself lucky. Despite desperately wanting to give up and run home, I had a father who believed in me and a mother who wouldn't let me run away. She sat up for hours talking to me about nothing and everything. Reminding me that distance doesn't mean a thing and being the rational voice I clung to when my own was failing me. My brain was fighting me, but I had the team to fight back. The will and the guts I needed would come in their own time.
So I took it one class at a time: pushing myself to go to every class and be as present as I could. And when I made it through that one I told myself "Okay, you did one. Now you can do the next one." I rewarded myself for the little victories and tried my best not to punish myself for the little mistakes.
I found solace in the people I lived with, they became my rock and my Michigan family, they did so much for me without even realizing it. To be able to eat, sleep, goof around, talk, cry, and love together was one of the things that kept me from slipping. It didn't matter that we were strangers at first, they became the people I needed and to them I will always be thankful.
It wasn't always progress, there were backslides and trip ups that I didn't think I could recover from. But I knew in the deepest part of my heart that I was stronger than this. That this is where I needed to be, that if I could just get through this part, I would be the happiest I'd ever been.
And would you know it? I was right.
365 days - that's a long time. And to look back on how far I've come absolutely amazes me. I didn't think I would get this far. But here I am, at the same school, with a different major, and a much bigger smile. I never want to forget the things I went through, they lead me to here. And I continue to learn and draw from those experiences.
That isn't to say there are days where I don't feel rough. Anxiety isn't like a common cold -- it never goes away. It becomes a part of me, but that doesn't mean it has to be all of me.
So if the person I was a year ago sounds a lot like you, please keep going. Dig as deep as you can. Find the thing that gives you strength and never let it go. And if you ever need a support system, just know that you have me.