Have you ever had a mini-heart attack and been like "OMG WHERE'S MY PHONE?!" or "OMG WHERE DID MY GLASSES GO!?" and then you looked down and your phone was right in your hand or your glasses were right on your face? Yeah, that's essentially what I feel like this whole situation was like.

So here's a little backstory: Eighteen-year-old Malachi Love-Robinson was arrested in Florida for impersonating a doctor. I'm going to keep giving you all the gory details in a way that's more fun to read, but here's an article that the real news posted up.

First of all, of course this happened in Florida. You know what else happened there? This:

This guy called himself "Dr. Love". Really? You would allow a medical professional who calls himself that to evaluate your health? You would let this guy run test on you? Would you actually let someone who openly calls himself "Dr. Love" see your naked body? The thought of any of that makes me want to vomit. Dr. Love just sounds like gross Tinder fodder.

But hey, don't worry - he's a real doctor, guys, promise! He claims to have a real doctorate degree, but he doesn't "feel comfortable disclosing" that information, according to an interview he did. Because that wasn't relevant, he claims. I'm guessing the patients who go to the place for medical care also find that information irrelevant. Also, when asked about his medical training, he said that he'd shadowed a lot of doctors. What? You think you can perform surgery because of that one time you saw it done? Yeah, that sounds about right.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the guy in the little square in the bottom left corner of the picture is Dr. Love himself. Yes, that's actually what he looks like, stupid haircut and stupid expression intact. But if you want a really good laugh, feel free to check out his website. Here are just some highlights from it: Dr. Dumbass claims he offers, "air, water, light, heat, earth, phototherapy, food and herb therapy, psychotherapy, electrotherapy, physiotherapy, mechanotherapy, naturopathic corrections and manipulation, and natural methods or modalities, together with natural medicines, natural processed foods, and herbs and nature’s remedies."

You know when you have a five-page paper due in 1 hour and you just throw whatever garbage you can think of on the page? That's probably what he did one night while his family and friends (?) ignored him. This kid seriously needs to have child-blocks put on his internet. You know what? Forget the internet, he needs to just get his power cut. Living life using candles and an abacus is probably the only way he'll stop embarrassing himself. I love how he thinks things like "air, water, light, heat" and food are forms of therapy, and not, you know, basic life necessities.

He's shadowed many doctors.

To all my American tax-payers who occasionally get sick, I implore you to look into the good men and woman who provide you with any medical care. Make sure they're qualified, certified, and aren't stupid eighteen-year-olds with horrible haircuts and no clue.