I wonder if it would matter to you if you could see the changed person I am now. I wonder if it would matter if you knew you are part of the reason I am who I am today. If I’m being honest, part of me hates to give you credit. I was the one who built myself up after I hit the lowest place I thought possible.
I’ve been the one working past my own limits to become a better version of myself, one that does things that seemed insane before. I’ve been the one who has poured into myself and become someone capable of incredible things.Yet you still played a part in it, because you were part of the reason I was motivated to do so in the first place.
It hurts to lose someone important who you loved. It’s hard to come to terms and accept the idea that a person who you honestly believed you were spending forever with is no longer involved in your life. It doesn’t seem right and it sticks with you long after. Yet whether we like it or not, those people stay with us. They played crucial parts in our lives and showed us the best and worst parts of ourselves.
When someone like that walks out of our lives, for whatever reason, we tend to re-examine ourselves and wonder what we could do better. And if we decide to, we work on those things. We recall how we used to be so dependent on another person to complete us and we learn to be whole on our own. Maybe we weren’t as thoughtful as we should’ve been.
Maybe we spoke carelessly. Maybe we didn’t follow through on our promises the way we intended to. Maybe we weren’t motivated to strive to be better. Maybe we were passive on things that should have been confronted head-on.
So we go out into the world and we build again. We remember our flaws and our faults, and we start trying to correct them — not to impress others, but in such a way that we become someone we are proud to be.
I know I’m not the same person I was a few years ago. There are times where I’ve wondered, if we had a conversation and you saw the person I am now, what would you think? Would you wish you had stuck around to see this thing through? Would you regret not taking more of a chance or fighting harder to stay with me?
Would you be proud of the person I am now? Because even though it doesn’t make or break who I am anymore, I think you would be. I think you wouldn’t recognize the person in front of you anymore, though.
And the kind of person I am now? I thank you for playing the role you did. For motivating me, for giving that final push to start on this path, because without that kind of shove — that felt like absolute chaos — I wouldn’t have taken a look at myself and tried to be better.