I've always been a friend people came to for advice. I've always been a quick thinker, a sign that showed up early in my life, landing me in situations like scaling counter tops to get the hidden Christmas gum drops, or dismembering all the baby-proof contraptions my grandparents set within minutes of coming home on furlough. But I never imagined that these qualities would become amplified, and ultimately set me apart from my peers.

Upon experiencing the trauma of the hospital and the death of my sister, my mind aged. I suddenly understood how fragile life was and watching my 19 year old sister die in front of me made me come to terms with my own mortality. No age was safe from death. Suddenly, every moment in my life mattered and counted, way more than ever before. And I began to question myself about the kind of life I wanted to live.

I started to have more of an interest in knowledge and learning, in finding and discovering truth, of ultimately looking for answers to help explain this life that I thought I understood. I became intolerant of the shallow and mainstream, obsessed with depth, transparency and philosophical questioning. Looking around me, I no longer understood the petty fights, the complaining, or the constantly love struck individuals surrounding me. How could my peers be so preoccupied with such trivial issues when life was so much more?

I tried not to judge others. I knew they didn't see where I was coming from; they weren't there yet. It was at this point that I got this overwhelming feeling that I was on the outside looking in, that there was some sort of glass box separating me from people my own age, this disconnect that was ever-present. I would try to explain myself, or get them to understand, some sympathized and even others could acknowledge it, but no one ever seemed to be able to grasp the depths of my thoughts.

What was really strange was when I had adults come up to me. They would say things like, "You're wise beyond your years" but what really shocked me was when a few of them began sharing what an inspiration I was, how brave they thought me to be. And suddenly this gap appeared because I no longer connected with my peers but I was only 16, 17, still clearly growing up and no where near an adult.

Years have passed and I have come to comprehend myself more. A lot of this had to do with time spent by myself. And though I came to value this gift of clarity, of recognizing certain truths about life, like how in the end everything else fades away and relationships are all you have, or how people should really ask you "who is it you want to be" not "what is it you want to do." That sometimes the only control we have is how we ourselves choose to react. That anything worth having, takes hard work. That loving is worth the pain and so much better than shutting off your emotions and protecting your heart.

Sometimes though, these realizations of mine got in the way of things. My way of life and of thinking made me "boring" or too serious to those I could not explain myself to. I could not connect romantically with anyone, because those that could understand the depth of my thinking never allowed me to be silly, and those that allowed me to be silly never understood my depth. I startled people, scared them with my questions. Not everyone craved deeper relationships, friends of mine were content with being shallow, and though I could play the role of friend I never considered them a true friend. I expected more from friendships. Not because I was demanding, but because relationships were so important to me.

And sometimes it's frustrating. When I can't get out of my head, and shake the serious. When I just want to fit in with my peers for once and not have them respect and look up to me so much. When I want to lose myself in the silliness and carefree, and not have my grief dig its claws into me and rear its head. When I watch people easily slipping in and out of relationships and my mind just isn't wired that way. When my young body clashes with the old soul within me, and I wish my aged mind could be silenced and let me live.

Because an inability to completely connect with others sucks to someone who loves people. Because thoughts like these plague my mind and make we wander off, because I'm not fun to hang out with when I get like that, and then I get lonely and sad. And somebody asked me once, why I was so lonely. And I realized how odd it was to be lonely, with so many wonderful friends around me. But it wasn't my physical being or my heart that was lonely, it was my soul. And a soul can feel alone even when it's in a room full of people. And I think that's why having an old soul in a young body gets tiring.

You are stuck between two worlds, and you appear normal to the every day onlooker. But on the inside, the old you and young you are boxing it out. And though I have found hints of old souls in others, I have yet to find another person who matches or fully understands or accepts both parts of me: my young and my old. So yes it can get lonely. Perhaps I won't be lonely forever. But that's the thing about being lonely: it doesn't matter how much people tell you it won't always be that way, you still want it to end as desperately as the moment it started. But there's more important things to think about than my tiresome old soul, but then again, time spent expressing one's self and heart is never time wasted.