November 09 2016
I am currently in a depressive period, and I am not happy about it. Get it? Not happy? Okay, I'll stop now. Sometimes the depression is triggered by something, sometimes not. This time it was. I was very disappointed about something that had happened to me. I cried, rallied, met up with my parents and saw a movie, went to church on Sunday, did my laundry, the usual. I was fine, I thought. I'm resilient and strong willed and positive. But, my body wasn't fine. That's the thing about depression. It's an illness. Which meansI can't control the symptoms. And that's the hard part.
Right now, my exact symptoms are as follows: extreme (I cannot stress that word enough) fatigue, chronic headache, shakiness, lack of appetite, fluctuations and drops in body temperature, body and joint aches, severe brain fog, increased irritability, random crying, hopelessness, social isolation and negative thought patterns.
Yeah. It's awesome, guys. Just kidding. It's not. I hate it. And just to clarify, I am in constant contact with my doctor and have been getting blood work done frequently to ensure that I am not suffering from an additional condition that might also cause these symptoms.
I took off work yesterday and I did not leave my bed. I slept the whole day and I still woke up tired this morning. Luckily, I have had enough of these periods in my life that I know they pass and my energy levels go back up, my mindset improves, I stop getting headaches and I can think clearly and remember things normally. They used to go on a lot longer. With more severity. Luckily, I am in the hands of a very intelligent, very sweet psychiatric doctor who always has a lot of wisdom to offer in regards to treatment and developing strategic coping skills.
November 11, 2016
While my anxiety has been significantly reduced, my depression has only been moderately reduced thus far. These depressive periods used to go on for three to four days. This time it was only about a day and a half. It's over now.
Today, I have high spirits, plenty of energy, I am positive and focused and hopeful about what the future will hold. I am aware of all the blessings I have in my life and eager for the new and determined to work hard to achieve my goals. I am relaxed and content. I feel myself again.
You are probably wondering what changed. Did something happen to improve my mood? No. Everything is exactly the same. Nothing changed in regards to my life circumstances, my stress levels, my eating habits, my sleep quality. Nothing. Except my brain.
That's what can be so disheartening about depression. It's not a matter of "being positive" or improving your circumstances. It physically effects you. It is not merely feeling less happy than the day before. It feels like you are disconnected from your body for a period, and then you wake up one morning and you're fine. It's an illness that effects your brain in such a way that physical symptoms manifest. In fact, the list of symptoms of depression are much more extensive than you would think. According to Prevention, an online magazine about general health:
Depression and pain share some of the same biological pathways and neurotransmitters. About 75% of people with depression suffer recurring or chronic pain, research shows... You might also notice other signs of depression like stomachaches and headaches, or just experience greater sensitivity to pain in general. A 2008 study in the Archives of General Psychiatry found that when people with depression anticipate pain, their brain activity indicates more emotion and less coping, so they're less able to handle the hurt.
Interesting, huh? You see, it isn't "all in my head" as some people would believe. There are physical aspects to this condition that make it harder to live a normal, active life. I still expect myself to work hard, pray hard, and stay proactive in my mental health journey. But I have learned to accept that depression is a nasty thing, and I should feel proud of myself for how strong I am.