Mental illness is no joke. While some people like to think it’s not as serious as some medical conditions mental illness can take psychological problems and manifest them into physical symptoms. Symptoms that rocket through your body with an uncontrollable power. Enough power to knock you off your feet, to make you need to sit down, to make you struggle to get up every day because you are so physically exhausted it hurts to move.

A couple weeks ago I wrote an article explaining how anxiety has affected me throughout my life. My anxiety has always worked alongside random depressive episodes (typically in the winter). Working through depression has never been easy for me. I take my medication each and every day, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I take vitamins to get as much vitamin D as I can because sometimes that really helps. It’s on the days where I start out in a full-on anxiety episode that shifts into a depressive state that I can’t handle.

I woke up one morning. I woke up and immediately felt my stomach lurch. My hands began to shake and I knew it was starting already. I stood from my bed, though it was incredibly difficult to do so, and managed to get dressed and eat a little breakfast. I gathered my stuff and went out to my car to drive to work. And I started to cry. I was crying because I was anxious about things that didn’t even make any sense to me. I was crying because I was overwhelmed with sadness. It took my entire car ride to work to get myself under control.

It was at this point I realized that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go through anxiety spells each day because when I get home I am too exhausted to do anything. My anxiety makes me question everything people say to me. It makes question if people really love me. It makes me wonder what other people think about me. Are people staying around me because they feel bad? Do my friends, family and fiancé hate me? Do people think I’m pathetic?

I no longer find pleasure in much. I feel myself forcing smiles or laughter all the time. I know that I am lying to everyone when they ask if I’m okay or if I need them to help me with anything. I’ve always been one to keep my emotions inside until they burst. This time I waited too long. They started to trickle out and I couldn’t get them to stop. And I still haven’t. I write this article on day three of my situation. Day three of crying for no reason, of not being able to eat much without it coming back up or making me nauseous, day three of what started out as a little bit of blurry vision that has spiked into a full-blown migraine that makes it hard to drive and work and type out this article.

It’s at this point that I realize I need to get my mental health in check. I need to admit that I am no longer able to cope with all of this alone. It is time to seek alternatives. A therapist, a different medication or at least a higher dose, anything to make all of this to stop. But it’s hard for me to admit this. I don’t want to come off as weak. I don’t want to take any more medications. Today I will call the counseling center that my university offers to students. Today I will call and make an appointment. Today I will start looking for the answers behind all my anxiety and the overwhelming sadness. Today needs to be my new beginning.