I used to never think that I would fall in love. I remember crying to my mom almost every single day asking her why I was so alone. I felt as though I was single because I was not worthy of love. But oh how I was wrong. I love recounting my journey and reflecting on the redemption written in it.
When I think about my story, I find myself in high-school. All of my friends kept getting boyfriends and I was just...there. Was I single because of my curly hair? Was it my acne? Was it my crooked smile? I grew to hate myself. I spent hours frying my hair just in an attempt to straighten it like all of the other girls only to get disappointed.
My acne is caused by a hormonal disease I have called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), therefore it is very difficult and expensive to get rid off. I bought the highest coverage foundation and concealer to try and cover it, but I still did not feel beautiful.
My teeth...Ugh! I have very small teeth compared to other people and they are not exactly what you call perfect. I remember praying to God every night, asking him to help me feel pretty like all of the other girls. I kept praying for Jesus to just...fix me.
Now that I look back, I just remember it was the enemy feeding lies into my heart. These lies were constantly reminding me how I was not pretty or good enough for a man to love. I found myself constantly trying to impress others and redeem their approval.
I was living for other people. I was no longer living for myself and my happiness. Ashamed to say this now, I was barely even living for the Lord.And even though I could not see it a the time, God was so kind to me.
As I grew older and moved to college, I finally took the time to listen to God. I listened to Him and finally understood that He was pursuing me all along. He was placing new people and places into my life to help me grow as a woman and as Christian.
God helped quiet the voices in my head screaming that I was not good enough. He calmed my fear of being lonely for the rest of my life. God was just preparing my heart for this love journey he was about to send me on.
"He rescued me, because he delighted in me." 2 Samuel 22:20
I ended up transferring universities to one closer to home. This dramatic change caused my anxiety to reach a point in which it has never met before.
There was so much new--new job, new major, new people. I was terrified. The enemy found a way to attack me during this point in which I was so vulnerable. My insecurities were creeping back into my heart... but then God sent an angel on Earth...Taylor.
Taylor, my boyfriend, showed me, and still shows me, how I am so worthy of love. With him, my insecurities drifted away. Taylor reminds me of the love that the Lord had for me when he made me.
Taylor is perfect in every single way. He is caring, compassionate, funny, handsome, and most importantly, he loves the Lord. Being with Taylor makes me want to be a better person-- not only for me, but for him too.
I write this to the girls who are maybe fighting with these same insecurities. I pray that you find the love God has for you and reflect that love upon yourself. Be patient and know that the guy your praying for is not with you yet because God is preparing his heart.