There are days when I miss you. There are minutes of the day where I have to hold my breath in order not to cry. There are times where it takes every muscle in my body not to call you to ask how your day went. There are months that my heart aches for only you. There are flashbacks and pictures of how much fun we once had together. I have one video saved that makes my heart drop every time I hear you laugh somewhere around the 34 second mark. It’s been eternities since we were together and centuries since we've talked, so why do I miss you?
Days will always come and go and I won’t think of you, of us, for weeks, months at a time but then it hits me. When it does hit me, it’s a quick bullet to my stomach. A shooting pain that takes over my entire body. I chase and I chase that feeling away that I once and still do love you. I have moments when I only remember the good, the happy, the laughter but then it’s followed with the angry, the fighting, the resentment.
My heart hurts thinking of you getting in that car and leaving. My heart breaks every time I picture you moving on. I don’t know if it's hurt or broken because I miss us or because I can’t move on from what we once had. Once I start thinking about you, I can’t stop. When I’m thinking about you, everything revolves around you. What was once a road, is now a trip to your house. What was once a color, is now your favorite color. What was once a little white car, is always me turning to see if it’s yours. What was once just a song on the radio, is now your favorite song or one that I sang at the top of my lungs with the top down just to make you smile.
You are not always going through my mind, but when something reminds me of you, it doesn’t give up. I don’t know why I miss you, but I do. I feel that I deserve to be over us, over you, and moving on with my life. But then somebody asks me out, and I can’t help but think of you.
You were the last one I didn’t stand up. You were the only one I’ve ever loved. You were the only one who knew nothing about me but still loved every part. You were the last one who gave me butterflies.
You loved me and I wanted to be with you forever.
Our relationship was never perfect and I don’t try to fool myself into thinking it was. We had a lot of growing to do, individually, the last time we were together. We both have toxins the other can’t handle and we both have baggage that inflates how we should act. Maybe it was the distance, physically and emotionally. Maybe it was school. Maybe it was a lack of drive. Maybe it was a lack of time.
Whatever the reason, I will always miss you.