Like many of my peers, I have spent a good portion of my 50-hour work weeks dreaming of an escape. I scroll through my Instagram feed filled with jealousy, as I like yet another one of my friend’s photos on some guy's shoulders totally living in the moment at yet another summer music festival. 

Like most situations that force me to face my crippling FOMO, I decided the best solution was to consult my inner Debby Downer. To my friends spending their summers behind a desk or NannyCam, living vicariously through Snapchat stories, this one's for you.

1. Music festivals. Super fun idea, in theory. What's not to love about spending three days with your best friends surrounded by other fun-loving people listening to some nice tunes? Everything. The fun-loving crowd is a monster. You know how your parents told you not to take candy from strangers? This is it, kids. Drugs. Everywhere. This is like the World’s Fair for some people. They’re packing heat and you and your super fun-loving friends could run into some stuff, there. Speaking of unavoidable items: glitter. I don’t know where it comes from. Are there glitter dealers at festivals, too? Who goes out and spends money on glitter? How does the glitter always find its way onto me? These glitter-tossing girls are the human form of Hot Topic and are to be avoided at all costs. Thankfully, you’re stuck in your summer job, right now, so you’re safe from people of the festival, keep up the good work.

2. Pool darties. Laying out in the sun all day, chicken fights in the deep end, all while enjoying some cold refreshments with your friends. Perfect, right? Wrong. So, so wrong. Laying out means sunshine. Sunshine means sunburn. Sunburn means, if you’re blessed like me, sun poisoning. Chicken fights? Don’t get me wrong, I love nearly drowning as I attempt to tread water with an entire human being on my shoulders until my foot cramps and we lose, as much as the next guy. But if I can avoid worsening my scoliosis, I’m probably gonna sit that one out. Instead, stay indoors and listen to the soulful covers of Frozen love ballads performed by the children you babysit. It's much safer.

3. Bonfires. S’mores, refreshments, good friends, better fire, great times. Great in theory, treacherous in execution. The fire, itself, is an obnoxious toddler. You have to continuously poke and feed it the entire night; and don’t you dare turn your back on it. “Forest fires are a major party foul,” according to Smokey the Bear (probably). Not to mention the agony of watching your perfectly roasted marshmallow slip into the depths of that stupid attention seeking fire. Then, just when you think the entire nightmare is over, you wake up the next morning with the stench of firewood woven into the fabrics of last night’s outfit. The stank of regret sticks with you until you get enough motivation to do laundry.

So enjoy your endless filing, carpooling, commuting and paperwork. Things could be much worse. You could be waking up in glitter.