What I wouldn't give to go back in time to kneel down beside little me, tell her to wipe away her tears and take my hand. What I wouldn't give to look back into my own eyes, brush the hair out of my face, and look at me looking back at myself, a mutual pain shared in our reflections. What I wouldn't give to tell little me everything that will ever happen to us, to tell little me to be stronger, more careful, more kind, and to not make the same mistakes.
What I wouldn't give to tell my younger self, that one day, things will be okay.
I wish I could go back in time, to see myself younger, more carefree, unaware that life could bring me true, real, excruciating pain one day. Not the pain of waking up to go to elementary school, not the pain of not being line leader that week, not the pain of trying to learn my multiplication table, not the pain of not really have friends to play with at recess.
I wish I could go back and see myself as a child before the world became to big and heavy. To see that maybe I didn't think I was happy then, but that I was happier than I may even be now.
I wish I could tell myself to stop my tantrums and blowing up over little to nothing, to stop blaming others and blaming parents because I didn't like the things I was expected to or get what I wanted. I wish I could tell myself that I know you think you're so big and grown up, even in elementary school, but you have to understand that everything takes time and sometimes you have to sacrifice for others.
The world doesn't revolve around you, but you matter to the world and you'll find your place in it one day. That day may not be now, but it will come.
I know life is tough, it's always going to be tough, but I promise things will get better. You can't let other people bring you down because they treat you like you aren't there, because they don't want to do what you want to, because they make fun of you, because no one understands that just because you're a child you don't think like other children. That you're unique and spirited in your own special way.
I know you're emotional, I know you always feel like you're hurting, I know you feel alone and like no one understands. You're only in elementary school, you shouldn't feel this way. But I promise that you'll make important friends, that your parents love you more than you realize and they'll sacrifice everything they can for you when the time comes. I know you aren't happy, but I promise that one day you will be, and you'll feel like you're living a dream that you may now think could never happen.
You can't let yourself down so much. You always reach for the stars then the galaxies then the edge of the universe. You need to come down for a bit. You can't always get things right the first time, you can't always expect to be good at everything. Take time to relax, to learn patience. Being a kid is harder, but growing up is even harder.
I wish I could tell you that you're absolutely beautiful, that the kids in school don't understand the beauty you have. And that you'll blossom as you grow older.
I wish I could hold your head in my hands when you're crying, and I know you won't look up at me out of pride and wanting to seem like you're stronger than you are, but you need to know that others don't define you. That you're failures don't define you. That the mean things people say about you won't mean anything to you one day. I wish I could tell you that you'll matter to people you want to matter to one day. That one day you won't be so alone. That one day, you'll find your place in the world and you'll learn where your beauty lies, and you'll embrace it.
I wish I could tell you to stop putting your pain onto others; you have to learn to deal with it yourself. I wish I could tell you to do more of what you love doing and to not stop when people look down on you for doing what you love. I wish I could tell you that your family loves you more than you give them credit, and that you may think you don't love them, but you really, really do.
I wish I could tell you that you are important.
To love yourself.
That you are stronger than you think you are.
That you are loved.
That you are beautiful, inside and out.
I wish I could look back into your eyes right now when you feel like being a kid is as worse as it can get, and I wish I could tell you that I'm sorry. That I'm so very sorry for being this way. But I also wish I could tell you that you have to forgive yourself. That you have to move on.
I wish I could tell you to stop holding onto the past, that you have to keep moving forward and let things go. I wish I could tell you that you'll grow and learn from your mistakes.
I wish I could give you a hug, kiss your forehead, and tell you to be strong, to hold on, even when things get rough. And to remind yourself that you have so many amazing things about you that you don't realize yet, but that you and those around you will notice one day.
I wish I could be there to guide you, but I know you'll be okay. Everything will be okay. Even when you hurt like hell and wish that one day you were dead, give it time and things will be okay.
I wish I could tell you that you will be okay one day.