When I tell people, I have had three knee surgeries in four years they are amazed. I mean honestly, I am too. I’ve always been a klutz’s, but I think this is a whole other story. In the beginning of 2018, I’m getting my fourth one. Great news, right?

In 2014 after I had graduated high school, I had a major knee reconstructive surgery. I had my ACL reconstructed, my meniscus drilled down to the bone, my other meniscus sewn and my MCL tore in surgery from stress. I was stressed too MCL. A lot of that wasn’t planned, and waking up I was hysterical from the pain, the information and what the next six-plus months would bring me.

This upcoming surgery isn’t as invasive, but it is pretty big. I’m getting a meniscus from someone who passed away, and they’re doing a transplant surgery. On top of that, I’m getting my ACL redone because it isn’t in the best shape to support this other transplant surgery. Luckily, they can do this all at the same time, but it’s still a six plus month recovery.

You would think I’d get it. That I’m okay with this. That I’m used to it at this point. But honestly, I’m so scared of the pain I’ll be in when I wake up. The post ACL surgery pain left me hysterical for days. I didn’t even want to get up to go to the bathroom, let alone move at all. I was so sick and couldn’t eat and I only remember it because I was miserable.

It’s been two days since I learned that I’ll be getting surgery this school semester, or during the summer. We’re not quite sure right now. Every day so far, I’ve cried about it. I’ve cried because I’m angry and frustrated.

Wondering why God would put me through this again. Everyone is being so great saying God has a plan, and God has shut one door and another one will open. Right now, that’s the last thing I want to hear.

I know anger isn’t healthy. The stress isn’t healthy. It’s keeping me up at night, and when people talk about it I kind of blackout because that’s just my body response right now. I’m scared for my future. I’m scared for the months following surgery, but I’m so blessed with the support near and far.

I’m blessed to have the surgeon that hasn’t quit on me these past five years, and my boyfriend for holding me during my meltdown asking if he was going to break up with me because I’m going to be in a locked brace for months and can’t do anything fun. (I’m telling you, I’m hysterical crying every day over everything.) He, of course, isn’t because I’m being ridiculous but honestly, wouldn’t you be too if you were in my shoes?

The road I’m going to travel down is going to be dark, difficult but I’m ready for the lessons I’m going to learn even though it all.

I have to keep my chin up, positive music playlist on, and keep crutchin’ on.